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jcrossuns

Ohio

Member Since 2019

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“I’m so sad...so very, very sad...”

Aug 5, 2019
10
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Disclaimer: This isn’t an attention seeking entry, so please don’t view it as such.

I’m not happy. I don’t think I have been. All I feel like is a failure, and that I can’t do anything right.

I feel like no one has faith in me.

I feel like I’m trapped within a bubble that I can’t get out of.

I feel like running and never looking back, but I have no idea where I would go.

Any time I felt this way in the past, I would gravitate towards Elizabeth, and we would hold each other until I finished crying into her shoulder.

Even after things ended, I still gravitated towards her, but knew I couldn’t and shouldn’t, because it would just end up with us fighting again, and at the time I still had my heart condition, so it would’ve been a bad idea.

So I would just find a dark corner or use the restroom to cry in until I felt stable enough to return to work.

One time, a close friend of mine yelled at me for bringing up a topic related to what we were all talking about. I became so overwhelmed that I said I was done and left. I went into the restroom and cried for 10 straight minutes until someone else came in.

I immediately went to break right after, and told no one except for another employee that if anyone asked, I went to break.

This caused a lot of panic, because I never came back and couldn’t be found.

They knew that I self harmed occasionally, and were running around trying to find me including an employee that I didn’t get along with at the time.

When I got back to my department, I entered a different way that separated the main area from the area I was in, and I setup shop at a supervisor station so I could work alone and away from people.

Then the search party found me and were super relieved to see that I was okay. I explained where I went and apologized for going to break without saying anything.

The employee I didn’t get along with said that it wasn’t right what she did, especially in the middle of the room like that, and that I should consider going to HR.

In the end, she apologized, and I forgave her.

I don’t feel loved.

People love my work, but I don’t feel loved.

Sometimes I want to find the blade and continue the pattern I had made on my left arm.

Sometimes I want to find the blade and end it all.

But I won’t.

I’ve come so far to afford a regression that severe.

I’m heart broken.

I miss Elizabeth.

I just want things to get better.

I just want to feel loved.

- Jaclyn

VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
elixic:
I hope you are feeling better, and if you need to, reach out to someone, anyone, please! Even if it's just a stranger online. I know a lot of us strangers online have been where you are, we made it through, we know it sucks, but life gets better, and even though you don't feel loved, there are people who love you. Thanks for sharing.
Aug 9, 2019
jcrossuns:
@elixic Thank you so much. That meant a lot to me. ❤️
Aug 9, 2019

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