Disclaimer: This isn’t an attention seeking entry, so please don’t view it as such.
I’m not happy. I don’t think I have been. All I feel like is a failure, and that I can’t do anything right.
I feel like no one has faith in me.
I feel like I’m trapped within a bubble that I can’t get out of.
I feel like running and never looking back, but I have no idea where I would go.
Any time I felt this way in the past, I would gravitate towards Elizabeth, and we would hold each other until I finished crying into her shoulder.
Even after things ended, I still gravitated towards her, but knew I couldn’t and shouldn’t, because it would just end up with us fighting again, and at the time I still had my heart condition, so it would’ve been a bad idea.
So I would just find a dark corner or use the restroom to cry in until I felt stable enough to return to work.
One time, a close friend of mine yelled at me for bringing up a topic related to what we were all talking about. I became so overwhelmed that I said I was done and left. I went into the restroom and cried for 10 straight minutes until someone else came in.
I immediately went to break right after, and told no one except for another employee that if anyone asked, I went to break.
This caused a lot of panic, because I never came back and couldn’t be found.
They knew that I self harmed occasionally, and were running around trying to find me including an employee that I didn’t get along with at the time.
When I got back to my department, I entered a different way that separated the main area from the area I was in, and I setup shop at a supervisor station so I could work alone and away from people.
Then the search party found me and were super relieved to see that I was okay. I explained where I went and apologized for going to break without saying anything.
The employee I didn’t get along with said that it wasn’t right what she did, especially in the middle of the room like that, and that I should consider going to HR.
In the end, she apologized, and I forgave her.
I don’t feel loved.
People love my work, but I don’t feel loved.
Sometimes I want to find the blade and continue the pattern I had made on my left arm.
Sometimes I want to find the blade and end it all.
But I won’t.
I’ve come so far to afford a regression that severe.
I’m heart broken.
I miss Elizabeth.
I just want things to get better.
I just want to feel loved.
- Jaclyn
