Last night gave birth to the most horrific nightmare that I’ve ever experienced.
You had taken your own life.
I was in such severe denial that I couldn’t function properly.
I hurried to every resource available to me only to discover that they weren’t there anymore.
There was nothing that could give me answers, just newspapers upon newspapers that I would end up sifting through. Every single page, pictures of you with a deep pain in your eyes.
And under those eyes...
...a smile to hide the sadness within.
I tried getting in contact with your friends, your family, but it was like they were walled off by their own ignorance of what stirred deep down inside of your broken heart.
I wanted answers, but I couldn’t get through, this invisible border separating me from their imaginary take on reality where you “had nothing to be depressed about.”
One moment you were there, the next you were gone.
It was like you were on the other side of a door with a lock that had no key, and I could feel your presence on the other side, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get through.
I desperately looked for anything that could give me information as to when and where this tragic event occurred, and it was like the only record was that you were gone, and your body buried next to the grandmother you loved so much.
I stepped out into the world, walked amongst cities, the countryside, anywhere and everywhere to find you...but you were nowhere to be found.
It was like you were just a memory.
I found your resting place beside your grandmother’s, and stayed with you for a time. Day turned to night, and I found myself driving somewhere.
I was trying to find you, but you were gone.
There would be no more warm embraces mixed with the scent of lavender.
There would be no more “I love you.”
There would be no more you.
I stopped the car randomly, I couldn’t drive anymore.
I looked off to the right, and I saw you, but things were different. It was like I was seeing you from a different time, different history, different universe.
You were with your friends.
Your hair was styled differently, there wasn’t a pain in your eyes...
You were smiling, and you were laughing...
I went to say something, but I stopped myself from uttering a single word.
I stopped myself because you were happy.
You were happy.
Reluctantly, I put the car in gear, and drove away.
I woke up, and headed out into the living room where I now sit, and put this dream to words.
The tears are still running down my face whilst I write this entry.
My only thought...
“Please don’t be real.”
I’m so happy that it wasn’t real, and just a nightmare that I was grateful to wake up from.
- Jaclyn