The meds are sure working. My highs aren't as high and my lows are easily manageable, although I still go to opposite extremes. The delineation of my mind and emotions is so evident now. The meds seem to keep my mind in a state of calm equilibrium while my emotions run the usual gamut from misery to fantastic. They are like two separate and discordant strings vibrating on a violin, one wild and loud and staccato, the other an obfuscating mellow sustained C. Every once in a while the two hum in harmony, and everything is like the still surface of a lake on a windless day.
What I'm missing out on now, though, is really FEELING anything. When I'm up there's no happiness, and when I'm down there is no sadness. I've met and been dating the most amazing girl in the whole fucking world, and she has every admirable trait for which you could think to ask. But there is no love. She deserves more than that... but less than the wild ride of BPD.
BT-dubs, for my 30th bday I participated in an airborne op up in virginia. Naturally, I was the only one who couldn't steer my chute well enough (since I was snapping pics with my camera phone, but I certainly couldn't confess to that) and landed in the trees. I was suspended about 50 ft above the forest floor, so I had plenty of time to think about all of the decisions I've made to bring me to that point; hanging by a parachute above an unforgiving ground. I opened my reserve and let it fall to the earth, unhooked my harness, and tried to climb down. Believe me when I say that parachute cord is NOT meant for climbing. In fact, it's hard as hell to grip and burns like a MOTHERFUCKER when you slide down it. So I climbed about five feet down, slid another 10, then finally lost it and fell the rest of the way right on my ass while one leg was still wrapped up in the chute. Again I found myself thinking about my poor decision making skills. What a blast.
If this is a sign of what my thirties hold in store for me... all I have to say is "Bring it the fuck on!"
What I'm missing out on now, though, is really FEELING anything. When I'm up there's no happiness, and when I'm down there is no sadness. I've met and been dating the most amazing girl in the whole fucking world, and she has every admirable trait for which you could think to ask. But there is no love. She deserves more than that... but less than the wild ride of BPD.
BT-dubs, for my 30th bday I participated in an airborne op up in virginia. Naturally, I was the only one who couldn't steer my chute well enough (since I was snapping pics with my camera phone, but I certainly couldn't confess to that) and landed in the trees. I was suspended about 50 ft above the forest floor, so I had plenty of time to think about all of the decisions I've made to bring me to that point; hanging by a parachute above an unforgiving ground. I opened my reserve and let it fall to the earth, unhooked my harness, and tried to climb down. Believe me when I say that parachute cord is NOT meant for climbing. In fact, it's hard as hell to grip and burns like a MOTHERFUCKER when you slide down it. So I climbed about five feet down, slid another 10, then finally lost it and fell the rest of the way right on my ass while one leg was still wrapped up in the chute. Again I found myself thinking about my poor decision making skills. What a blast.
If this is a sign of what my thirties hold in store for me... all I have to say is "Bring it the fuck on!"
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
chameleonbiscuit:
Just because someone is perfect doesn't mean you'll feel a connection to them. 
It's hard to trust your feelings though when they're being regulated by a pill. Happy 30th.
It's hard to trust your feelings though when they're being regulated by a pill. Happy 30th. 
isabeau:
Thanks for your sweet comment. I'm feeling a bit better. Thanks for asking Hope all is well with you too.
Hope all is well with you too.