jazabelle

I love how we constantly convince ourselves that the things we do are for us, that it is indeed what we want and nobodies opinions have anything to do with the final dicision we make. How deluded are we?

I joined suicide girls for all the wrong reasons. and although I love so much about it, in the end I realise I did not do it for me.

It started with my boyfriend telling me about how his girlfriend (at the time) was wanting to be a suicide girl. SoI checked out the site. I had heard about it through passing from other people, but now that this person that I didn't even know, that I was jelous of wanted to be one, I needed to be one too. It sounds so crazy you know, the truth, when it is actually said. But then I became fixated. Signing up to the site and telling my boyfriend "that is was something I had always wanted to do but never had the guts". more crazy lies which I made myself believe were true. I dont know if his ex ever made it as a suicide girl, and I do sometimes look through the girls from the uk to see if I recognise any as her. But I do know she is at the moment travelling around the world with her new boyfriend teaching english to children of third world countries. Which ironically is something I was actually going to do before I moved my whole life to the uk for my boyfriend. It was something that I had wanted to truly do for myself... oh well. you get that, don't ya.

After submitting photos and typing a blog and really enjoying suicide girls I lost fate when I realised that I didnt know if I was doing this for me. And also I think I knew deep down that I dont quite fit the profile, which is ironic isnt it. Since being a suicide girl is about embracing individuality and being unique I wake to find that I am not individual enough. My boyfriend has always liked girls that had bright pink hair, peircings, thin little girls that he could break over his cock with tats and I thought it was something that I had to turn myself into. Thank god I came to my senses and realised he loves my massive ass, my sweetness and domestic like ways, my daydreaming, my kitten dr pepper, my dirty naughty girl sex and my courage. These are what makes me unique from the rest. Maybe not as unique as to be a suicide girl. But enough to be with him.

I sound so much like a love sick puppy following a boy to the other side of the world. And it is true. I am a hopeless romantic who cant do anything in life unless I am full of passion for it. I follow my gut and my heart and look like a fool all the time for it, but I couldnt be any other way. I have always been in relationships with others because I feel it is easier than being in a relationship with me. If I put all my energy into making someone elses life great and care for them it is a lot easier than actually sitting at my blank canvas and deciding what to do with myself. I have had a very interesting and fullfilling life so far doing this, which always comes as such a surprise to me. In theory I should have acomplished nothing but instead it has led me to do many daring things.

I am sorry to those that I have neglected. I realise I have done this and am sorry.

I have been in the uk 8 months. fuck it has gone quick. I am a brunette now. Back to my true colour after almost 2years of playing the blonde aussie girl. I realised you dont have to be blonde to have fun, although it did help. I am contently happy at the moment.

I love you, jazabelle xoxo