jazabelle

I want to confess it all to you, all the little hidden bits. the bits I haven't been able to say. The bits that i pretend that I am not lying to you by not telling you. And I am finally admitting I have a problem, that's right, yes I have a problem. I understand now. I am bulemic! It is just so hard to say, hard to hear, because things like this just happen to other people that aren't me. I dont want sympathy. I dopn't want people having to look after me. I am trying to be strong, just like you wnt me to be...

I have always had two problems in my life, my trouble with my weight and the problem of the fact that I constantly want people to like me by ways of sacrificing myself to becom e what they want, giving them what they want to make them happy, no matter the costs.

You wanted skinny pretty edgy intelecual inspiring happy... so i tried to make that

They wanted fun giving generous exciting... so i gave

i want.... i think if i truly thought about it it would be a mystery.

I am not telling my mum about it becasue she will think that she has failed, just like when i told her I had had depression, she automatically thought it her fault. All she has ever wanted was to be a good mother and have her children grow up happy and healthy, I don't want to take that away from her, I am her "good" child and I thank her everyday for everything great she has done for me. as much as I cant always show her in the way regualr people would. I do it by protecting her, doing the dishes while she is sleeping, looking after zoi, letting dad verbally take it out on me, wrting about her in my book saying how one day i will repay her. so please dont make me tell her.

and dad, he is the image of his dad, in a world where depression doesnt exist, especially to his daughter who he thinks has nothing to "complain" about, so how would he understand bulemia, he is one of those fat people who sit on his fat ass infornt of the tv pointing at the fat people and laughing, especially females, we aren't meant to be one bit unatractive.

It was only a one off thing, I would eat too much and think, hey, just this one time, but then it became about going out and over eating on purpose, all the things i wouldnt usually let myself eat like icecream and caramel slice, and then vomitting it all up. i never felt disgusted at the process, i just felt release and lightness afterwards. I know it is wrong, put it wasn't every meal and it wasn't until the point of bile. so in my mind i didnt have a problem.

I did it at camp, even though i was happy, some days i would feel fat for eating all those cakes at dinner, or the cookies with the penmut butter so i would go to the bathroom in my theatre. there is always a place. while i was travelling it didnt happen because i was always with someone. but when I was back I thought I was ok, i was eating right, going to the gym. it truly only started up, slowly, about a month ago. but with me leaving so soon and becoming irregluar with eating patterns i started to freak that I would put on the weight i had been losing, which i did, but through stress, when i stress it just happens no matter how much i excersise and it almost became every day. I knew i had to stop it when i was at jessies and i went to vomit over a few handfuls of sunflower seeds.

I dont want to be the defect, the thing you have to look after, cope with or fix, but i still want to come and be with you.I will fix this, it will not be a problem. I will not let it be.

I hope you believe me. what do we do when we have a problem, something we are not happy about, we don't winge, we try and fix it. that's what i am doing, you taught me that.

xoxoxo I am sorry for not being true to you and myself xoxoxo