jayye

im having trouble with things. i didnt show up for two of my exams, one i got to make up, one im not even going to try. i didnt even have a reason,. i just plain old didnt go. ive been real weird lately, damn near heart broken, for my own reasons, i guess. its been a rough month though... i can feel myself falling back into my self destructive pattern... im trying sso hard to stay afloat, but im sinking,. and fast. i moved out of my apartment a few days ago, and now im living with david. its been comforting. i like wqaking up with him next to me, and i like being here when he comes home from work. i dont think i could be alone right now, and it feels so good to know that i dont have to. im staying in his place until the 30, when i move into my summer house with jamie. dave leaves for europe on saturday, so i will be really lonely. calo and i are working things out... slowly... im trying to handle a l,ot of things right now and its just so rough. my head is just a mess, and my body is even worse. im in so much physical and emotional pain right now, i thank god i have david. im trying real hard to stay positive, and calm, and composed, but like i said i can just feel myself deteriorating. im trying to make some big changes in my life. i dont know what im doing with school, i may just end up changing my major again, maybe transferring, who knows. i want to really start getting involved in my modelling/photography, and i have an interview at a talent scout agenxy for a job. my head hurts from thinking so much... from an outside point of view, it looks like i am just lazy, and dont care. which is partly true, but even though im not doing what im supposed to, i feel anything but laxzy. mainly because my brain is working a million miles an hour, and my body cant keep up. im so stressed, and real real depressed lately. but its a different kind of depression. its real hard to explain, i cant even put it into words.
i seem like im just rambling. my friend ggavin came over to daves to night to have a few drinks, we smoked a little. dave left tonight to go to grand rapids for an interview. i had a good time with john today. i tried to set aside everything thats been going on between us and just be together, it was difficult thopugh. my mind just wont relaz.

i apologize for this journal entry. its vague, and i dont feel like going into great detail, and im sure i made some grammatical and spelling errors, lol. its after 2am and ive been drinking, im so stressed, and just mentally drained. it sucks to be going to bed alone tonight.