woah ho hoahhh
you can go ahead and label last night a big, fat, skull fuck.
i mean, i love my ex boyfriend. hes the biggest part of my past, the most important part, and he will always be my first love, and best friend. always. no one can take that away from him. but last night confirmed it... i have changed. and i have changed for good.
allen and a friend from hs decided to come up last night. i thought, great. id love to see him. we are friends, we can continue being friends. so for the first few hours, yeah, it was great. the SECOND we walk into the house, bam! theres jude and his girlfriend ("or whatever" as they always say).
overload.
im hanging out with allen, whos all over me. ashley- allens girlfriend/ex girlfriend who keeps texting and calling non stop because shes a nutcase. norm whos making fun of him. matt who wants to kick allens ass. jude who keeps coming up to talk to me, and touching my arm, and making cutesy remarks. the whole while im just sitting there thinking "what the fuck am i doing?!" then dave and i started texting each other and all i could think of was how badly i wanted to be with him. just give up everything else and be with him. out of nowhere, all these people i thought i owed it to myself to prove something to, i just didnt want it anymore.
i mean, all these people, were such a big part of my life, and i will always love them for it. but it was just plain awkward being there. with all the guys that know about allen, and all the people that know or DONT know about jude, and his girlfriend there who doesnt have a clue, all the guys i have any sort of history with that goes beyond regular friendship, it was just weird. i cant even explain it.
so i dont know. i took a bunch of time outs with norm. it was so good to see all the guys from the house that i miss so much, but at the same time i am so happy they are not such a constant part of my life anymore. i had my heart stepped on too many times, and as good as some of the friendships are, they are better at a safe distance. but norm, norm is great. we have a connection, an understanding, if you will, and hes just been my rock lately. and allen! i cant even put into words. i was being so aloof, and so stand-off-ish, and he kept saying all night, "but its me".... and i just didnt know what to say. yes, it is him. the guy i loved more than anyone, ever, and will continue to love. he will always be that one special person in my life. but for the first time, i didnt need him. it almost hurt to feel that way. to feel like after all of this time of him being my clutch. after all of the lies and the pain and the love and the obsession. i just dont need it anymore. and as much as i adore him, im perfectly ok without him now. for the first time in my life, he kissed me, and i pulled away. and it was that very second that i just burst in to tears. but i wasnt that sad, just overwhelmed i guess. the guys, allen, jude... its all my past. its never been "all my past" before. and i dont even know if im making sense right now...
something crazy happened.
something that has never happened to me before.
with growing up comes growing apart
and fucking a i am finally growing up.
and you know what? i have never been so grateful. i know its not all because of dave, but i gotta hand it to him. he really has had an amazing effect on me. one that goes beyond the boyfriend-girlfriend shit that i write about in my journal. he just makes me want to be a better person. and not just for him- for me, too. i havent thought about me in so long. it feels really good to have so much control over my own life. something i should have had control over the entire time...
everything happens for a reason, no matter how fucked that reason is, i guess
you can go ahead and label last night a big, fat, skull fuck.
i mean, i love my ex boyfriend. hes the biggest part of my past, the most important part, and he will always be my first love, and best friend. always. no one can take that away from him. but last night confirmed it... i have changed. and i have changed for good.
allen and a friend from hs decided to come up last night. i thought, great. id love to see him. we are friends, we can continue being friends. so for the first few hours, yeah, it was great. the SECOND we walk into the house, bam! theres jude and his girlfriend ("or whatever" as they always say).
overload.
im hanging out with allen, whos all over me. ashley- allens girlfriend/ex girlfriend who keeps texting and calling non stop because shes a nutcase. norm whos making fun of him. matt who wants to kick allens ass. jude who keeps coming up to talk to me, and touching my arm, and making cutesy remarks. the whole while im just sitting there thinking "what the fuck am i doing?!" then dave and i started texting each other and all i could think of was how badly i wanted to be with him. just give up everything else and be with him. out of nowhere, all these people i thought i owed it to myself to prove something to, i just didnt want it anymore.
i mean, all these people, were such a big part of my life, and i will always love them for it. but it was just plain awkward being there. with all the guys that know about allen, and all the people that know or DONT know about jude, and his girlfriend there who doesnt have a clue, all the guys i have any sort of history with that goes beyond regular friendship, it was just weird. i cant even explain it.
so i dont know. i took a bunch of time outs with norm. it was so good to see all the guys from the house that i miss so much, but at the same time i am so happy they are not such a constant part of my life anymore. i had my heart stepped on too many times, and as good as some of the friendships are, they are better at a safe distance. but norm, norm is great. we have a connection, an understanding, if you will, and hes just been my rock lately. and allen! i cant even put into words. i was being so aloof, and so stand-off-ish, and he kept saying all night, "but its me".... and i just didnt know what to say. yes, it is him. the guy i loved more than anyone, ever, and will continue to love. he will always be that one special person in my life. but for the first time, i didnt need him. it almost hurt to feel that way. to feel like after all of this time of him being my clutch. after all of the lies and the pain and the love and the obsession. i just dont need it anymore. and as much as i adore him, im perfectly ok without him now. for the first time in my life, he kissed me, and i pulled away. and it was that very second that i just burst in to tears. but i wasnt that sad, just overwhelmed i guess. the guys, allen, jude... its all my past. its never been "all my past" before. and i dont even know if im making sense right now...
something crazy happened.
something that has never happened to me before.
with growing up comes growing apart
and fucking a i am finally growing up.
and you know what? i have never been so grateful. i know its not all because of dave, but i gotta hand it to him. he really has had an amazing effect on me. one that goes beyond the boyfriend-girlfriend shit that i write about in my journal. he just makes me want to be a better person. and not just for him- for me, too. i havent thought about me in so long. it feels really good to have so much control over my own life. something i should have had control over the entire time...
everything happens for a reason, no matter how fucked that reason is, i guess
I'm always doing both, because I know I've got tons of flaws that I'd like to attack and resolve.