humpf.
i went in to work today @ 6am, found out around 10am that i had the day off. awesome. so i have tomorrow off now instead... so hopefully i can go out with dave tonight and drown my misery in alcohol. dennys called me i think so i have to set up an interview, and i still havent decided about going back to aladdins. i make a lot more money waitressing... but, its a lot more grueling work than stocking shoes...
christopher was asking me about dave today *hooray* so we were gossiping like little school girls... when i found myself comparing sex to brushing your hair. he said "really?1 its that casual to you" and i was like "well, yeah. its never been really good, or really bad... it just always... is. so i do it to make the other person happy." he asked me, "dont you feel like people use you?" and i said, "people do use me. all the time. but ive tried everything, and in the end, being used and being unhappy, or being not used and being unhappy... well theyre pretty much the same thing. so i might as well have a few moments of fun with someone else while im here".
i compared sex to brushing your hair.
i think i might need to stop and look around at me life... i mean, really... what the fuck am i doing?
sigh. such a fuck up i am. im starting to see all of these "issues with relationships" my therapists are always telling me i have been repressing my whole life.
hmm...
i work on christmas eve, and then again on christmas night. midnight-830am. spec-fucking-tacular. i had to pick up that stupid shift because its the only way im allowed to have over 12 hours for the week. so shitty. my christmas is looking pretty poopy... but i should still be thankful i suppose. i do get to see my dads side of the family briefly on christmas eve, and my mom and jeff christmas morning, so i am happy about having at least a little time with them.
i have to make it a point to go see my great grandmother either today tomorrow or the day after christmas.
my phone is still up and running- i wonder if nextel forgot about me? i dunno... its going to get shut off any time now though- cant pay the bill. and i wont be able to until next year im sure.
i sound like im complaining a lot, but actually, im not in too bad of a mood. i mean, my head is still above water, barely, but im hanging on. things are going good with dave- slow and steady- what i need. he makes me happy. i get to see both sides of my family for christmas. my dad is finally starting to come around- even if its just for a moment. oh! and i have a shoot with my manager the day after christmas. yes, i know! im so excited. its been way too long. i think ill even be spending the night there, too, so ill get a lot of work done and a ton of new pictures! im just thrilled
anddd im definitely going to do a set in the snow !
i went in to work today @ 6am, found out around 10am that i had the day off. awesome. so i have tomorrow off now instead... so hopefully i can go out with dave tonight and drown my misery in alcohol. dennys called me i think so i have to set up an interview, and i still havent decided about going back to aladdins. i make a lot more money waitressing... but, its a lot more grueling work than stocking shoes...
christopher was asking me about dave today *hooray* so we were gossiping like little school girls... when i found myself comparing sex to brushing your hair. he said "really?1 its that casual to you" and i was like "well, yeah. its never been really good, or really bad... it just always... is. so i do it to make the other person happy." he asked me, "dont you feel like people use you?" and i said, "people do use me. all the time. but ive tried everything, and in the end, being used and being unhappy, or being not used and being unhappy... well theyre pretty much the same thing. so i might as well have a few moments of fun with someone else while im here".
i compared sex to brushing your hair.
i think i might need to stop and look around at me life... i mean, really... what the fuck am i doing?
sigh. such a fuck up i am. im starting to see all of these "issues with relationships" my therapists are always telling me i have been repressing my whole life.
hmm...
i work on christmas eve, and then again on christmas night. midnight-830am. spec-fucking-tacular. i had to pick up that stupid shift because its the only way im allowed to have over 12 hours for the week. so shitty. my christmas is looking pretty poopy... but i should still be thankful i suppose. i do get to see my dads side of the family briefly on christmas eve, and my mom and jeff christmas morning, so i am happy about having at least a little time with them.
i have to make it a point to go see my great grandmother either today tomorrow or the day after christmas.
my phone is still up and running- i wonder if nextel forgot about me? i dunno... its going to get shut off any time now though- cant pay the bill. and i wont be able to until next year im sure.
i sound like im complaining a lot, but actually, im not in too bad of a mood. i mean, my head is still above water, barely, but im hanging on. things are going good with dave- slow and steady- what i need. he makes me happy. i get to see both sides of my family for christmas. my dad is finally starting to come around- even if its just for a moment. oh! and i have a shoot with my manager the day after christmas. yes, i know! im so excited. its been way too long. i think ill even be spending the night there, too, so ill get a lot of work done and a ton of new pictures! im just thrilled
anddd im definitely going to do a set in the snow !