jaytan

Still flirting with getting just under 210. Probably have to be extra spartan for a few days to clinch it. Not fun, but worth it. Theoretically, I think I can get safely under 200 by the holidays -- so I can put it back on again.

I think I discovered last night that she moved back to the East coast. Without me knowing it. No surprise, really, and I can't blame her, given our last email trade. Man, that was dumb of me. Felt like I had to go off the handle, defend myself, stand firm by my convictions, kick her when she was down so I could prove myself. In the end, I only missed her more. And granted, I don't think she's the person I loved, but that didn't help matters.

I definitely extended the olive branch tonight. It was a good email, hopefully received as it was meant. I expressed my regret. More than a few regrets, really. Of course, its because she's gone that I was inspired to check myself, and I really tried to be sure within myself that it wasn't me gloating or rubbing anything in. She was never going to stay here anyway (and we would have dealt with that scenario if we'd have ended up in it).

For all I know, she could be still involved, and they could be moving back East together. Maybe she's making more money, doing better, etc. I don't particularly think any of this is true, it was a rough year-plus for her here, and I don't think it got any easier. I wish I could have been there in the tail end to help her, although between my own anger (justified), and my own drama, I wouldn't have been much help. But still, I would have given it to her; I try to give the best of me to the people who deserve to be my friends.

I think my email will help me turn the corner. I really want to, and its not that I don't believe in sticking up for myself, but I was just getting so tired, and especially with her departure, I didn't see the payoff anymore. I started missing her too much, I think.

My own insecurity is in not sticking up for myself. I hold grudges. With pride. But if there's a good reason to turn them off, I can, will, and do in an instant. Friends all tell me my grudges, high standards, and insistance on staying angry in any instance is often unrealistic, which I rely on and am relieved about, because its a confirmation for me that I'm not betraying my own principles and morals.

Many people, including Mom, said I shouldn't send the previous one. Many are saying it was okay to send this one. Had I listened to my usual self, I would not have sent it. And I'd stay angry, confused, hurt, and perversely curious as to how she's doing. Now, I'm letting it go, but without the vindication or validation that I was holding out for. And by doing what I didn't want to do, I've confirmed that I've done everything I could do to make it right again. If it doesn't work out, it won't have been for a lack of effort on my part.

Please, Mami. We've been acting like this for too long.

Update: She's back East only temporarily. Still based here, I guess. I'd considered this possibility as I wrote the email, and I don't want this to make a difference. I'd be lying if I claimed that I didn't second-guess myself, but in the end, this isn't what makes the difference. Where her head is and how, if at all, she reacts is what will make the difference.