jaybugg

I don't apologize for this not being my usual peppy self. Especially since I am drunk as fuck.


Much as I have learned about myself in the past year, all the good memories and experiences, I really had the most difficult year of my life.

I found what it means to be truly vunerable, and open with myself, and others.
I found out how love, honest, unquestioning love feels like.
I found out how much that can hurt, and how much it can heal.

I made some stupid, and some good choices for myself this year.

I really hate the term "Well only you can make yourself happy." Cause it's kind of crap in a way.
TRUE, only you can go, you know what, I am going to embrace life and the good things, and make the most of it.
That said, not a soul could enjoy life, without those good things, those good people, experiences, sites, events, whatever they may enjoy.
Life isn't defined by just you. Your life is defined by everything around it good and bad, how you percieve and take those things around you,
and how those around you interact with you.

I have had some time between my girlfriend, one of my best friend's sarah, this "deployment", which has been reduced to working an hour a day, and a full 8 every several
days.

I have money in my bank. That's honestly all I will walk away from here with that's tangible.
I go home to no job, as I won't work in the same office. So far no chance to PCS to Colorado,

I have friends. duh. I have a job and ferrets. Then again I have exactly 2 people that call me, one of which is my ex. And I know I got good friends. And I am far away
.
I don't have my ferrets right now. I still have 3 months to go before I see them.

And every day I have it hanging over my head that I might have to get all my crap, close up shop, and go right back out for the rest of my tour, which

has me feeling all kinds of mixed emotions about that.

I don't give a damn who you are....Telling someone you love, and meaning it, that you are proud and happy for them finding someone who is honestly better than you (in a bf sense) and even as a friend sense, and knowing they agree.. Takes a lot of humbleness and good nature.
And it hurts like a bitch. And as a friend you continue to give support (and they do appreciate it)

It hurts knowing this 6 months was supposed to be a fucking amazing, high speed, meaningful thing. You know it's bad when your own boss goes, this is all fucking useless.

It hurts knowing you never made peace with someone who died.

But I also know that I have lost almost every shred of self worth and value right now. I will recover, I always do. Everyone is allowed to fall.

I don't need sympathy, or pity. I just really don't have anyone, or any form to vent to.

I am to the point now where it terrifies me to be in proximity with anyone. I got a knot in my stomach because someone brushed against me in the elevator.

I don't like being like this, and I wish it was just a switch to turn on or off.

I just don't know if I will come out of this stronger, or crippled and back into my shell because of all of this.

Because that fire I had inside of me, died. In some ways I wish I didn't let go of my anger. At least I would have something to push me at this point.

But. Weary as I am. I will be alive. And for now, that's about it.
Because I don't know what it means to be happy. I did and it was taken.
I don't know what I have left to give to this world.
If you known me long enough, you know well enough there is something damaged inside of me.
I don't know if it was because of my family, abuse, drugs, being used, relationships, my own doing, fate, God..
I don't know. But I don't get how such a broken thing can keep moving.