I felt the need to share my feelings about this dream I had during the night. I'll do my best to describe the dream in general.
I was in somekind of bathroom taking a bath, (which I almost never do) and in walks somebody who looks a whole lot like Lovely Suicide wearing like a black bikini. She stands next to me and ask me if I want to do this. The feeling was if we wanted to go out together and be in a somewhat serious relationship. I said yes while she was walking around the bathroom. Then the dream shifted to where I was in a fast muscle car, all black with silver linning in the inside. And some guy was taking me to met Lovely at some concert.
That was the best I could describe it. Now there are two feeliing I have when I wake up after having these types of dreams. One is a sense of satifaction or happiness that I was with someone. This first feeling doesnt last for very long and it gives way to the second feeling, sorrow. It comes along fast and turns the happiness I felt into a type of shame and pain for even thinking/dreaming that I could be with somebody. It is almost like life has to remind me in a very cruel way that I am alone, that I sleep alone and have nobody besides my family that truely loves me.
Now I know that the answer to this problem is to go out and meet people. Find a girl and this sense of loneliness will go away when I have these dreams. But its not that easy for me. I'm not special in any way, I have problems like a lot of other people, my parents divorcing when I was six, then both getting remarried later on. Having an emotionally abusive step-father, who went out of his way to make me feel like shit every day for eight years and having my mom thinking that I was making most of it up. That shit has affected me in so many ways that I'm still not over it, and its been 10 years since I left home. My self esteem being hampered by the fact that I cant loose this weight for the life of me.
I have no problem talking to people at all. I have to talk to people every day, its part of my job being a nurse. But the apprehension I feel going on a blind date or walking up to some girl to start a conversation is so much I can barely function. I know I would feel more comfortable with my emotions of dealing with a patient at work coding and possibly dying than going on a blind date. How FUCKED up is that?
I just re-read this blog and wow, it took a different turn than I was expecting, but I think I made my point, kind of.
I was in somekind of bathroom taking a bath, (which I almost never do) and in walks somebody who looks a whole lot like Lovely Suicide wearing like a black bikini. She stands next to me and ask me if I want to do this. The feeling was if we wanted to go out together and be in a somewhat serious relationship. I said yes while she was walking around the bathroom. Then the dream shifted to where I was in a fast muscle car, all black with silver linning in the inside. And some guy was taking me to met Lovely at some concert.
That was the best I could describe it. Now there are two feeliing I have when I wake up after having these types of dreams. One is a sense of satifaction or happiness that I was with someone. This first feeling doesnt last for very long and it gives way to the second feeling, sorrow. It comes along fast and turns the happiness I felt into a type of shame and pain for even thinking/dreaming that I could be with somebody. It is almost like life has to remind me in a very cruel way that I am alone, that I sleep alone and have nobody besides my family that truely loves me.
Now I know that the answer to this problem is to go out and meet people. Find a girl and this sense of loneliness will go away when I have these dreams. But its not that easy for me. I'm not special in any way, I have problems like a lot of other people, my parents divorcing when I was six, then both getting remarried later on. Having an emotionally abusive step-father, who went out of his way to make me feel like shit every day for eight years and having my mom thinking that I was making most of it up. That shit has affected me in so many ways that I'm still not over it, and its been 10 years since I left home. My self esteem being hampered by the fact that I cant loose this weight for the life of me.
I have no problem talking to people at all. I have to talk to people every day, its part of my job being a nurse. But the apprehension I feel going on a blind date or walking up to some girl to start a conversation is so much I can barely function. I know I would feel more comfortable with my emotions of dealing with a patient at work coding and possibly dying than going on a blind date. How FUCKED up is that?
I just re-read this blog and wow, it took a different turn than I was expecting, but I think I made my point, kind of.
bob:
I said the date in my last blog: May 23rd.
jason4659:
Thanks Bob, your awesome!