januar

camera phone, much?



well, another lovely saturday morning. the day is full of promise. still so early ... maybe i'll actually leave the house and run errands n stuff? stay tuned ... how suspenseful! is that a word? i'll put it in italics just in case ...

woke up feeling all nostalgic again, so ... may need to explore that.

i think i just miss having That One Douche around sometimes. he knew me (sure, he hated me). he understood about my messiness, moodiness, and mugsyness and i could look like total crap around him, but he didn't care. he usually always bought me food (a big +) and could take no for an answer pretty well. we definitely had our own language, our own set of jokes, our own history (8 years, people!). he was there when i found Mugsy (twice!)!!! and there are certain places i will never go without him, certain things i will never say again.

and it's true - i wish i hadn't F-ed it up with him. but only because i wish we had parted in a different way. i know we ultimately did not belong together, just wish i hadn't hurt him so much along the way (not that he didn't hurt me, too). but he certainly did do just about everything i asked. and i mean, everything. so whatever lucky gal has him now, and isn't a shallow piece of crap like i was, has a man who is fully trained in pedicures, foreplay, romantic gestures, self-sacrifice, indulging whimsy, maneuvering through moodiness, cooking (sauting in that beautiful Cuisinart i bought him), buying feminine products, hair-stroking, back-kissing, shopping at 2 in the morning, and well ... if i keep talking about this, i will feel a little sad.

i just want you to know that i once had the honor of being a very good man's girlfriend. he was smart, funny, handsome, and fun to be with, and genuinely loved me.

so to answer your question, yes. b*tches do wake up one day and realize they made a big mistake.

but that's the way life took me. and i met firefly. and i don't think i could have turned back, though i really did try ...

speaking of firefly, i got another lovely letter from him on wednesday. kind of a surprise. and OMG that stuff he was saying about Gypsy was hilarious, cute, and SO not appropriate. haha.

he's always very "don't forget about me!" (as if i could). i wonder if his insecurities are another exaggeration, or if he genuinely worries that people will forget about him/look at him differently when he gets out. he has to know that that would never happen. talked to his mom last night and she asked me to reassure him about this. i just think it's silly. no one who has ever met him could help but love him. well ... that or hate him because they envy him. his personality is just too dynamic and energizing and positive. moths to the light. sure could've used some of that this weekend, but i'm sure he'll find that it's the thought that counts (i tried to come visit!).

and while we're talking about the past ... "the 1st" has been im-ing me, but i'm never around when he does. i wonder what's up ... i'll keep you posted.

oh, and Tyrone is steadily calling about three times a day. once around 7:20 because he knows that sometimes i oversleep. then maybe 2 more times during the day to tell me that he is thinking about me or misses me or wants to hear my voice "even if it is just voice mail". i never pick it up, but i'm starting to feel a little bad for him. i know that despite his MAJOR flaws, he truly loves me. he has always seen me and believed in me, and i don't forget that. but i also don't forget all the b*tches be knockin at his door, babymommas and whathaveyou. i have told him my deepest, darkest secrets, but i don't think i can ever talk to him again. it's unhealthy. and i am all about "HERTHEE" (you had to be at Monkey Bash to get that one .. or just be Japanese).

okay, not that healthy because i have done nothing but eat pizza for two days now. AND, apparently, write this novel above. so i'll shut my pizzapiehole now.

later, babes.