januar

a little crisis of self-confidence tonight? and what uniquely Januar things shall we be doing to get over it?

i recommend naked peek-a-chures to be posted here, so that we may ooh and aah over how loverly you are, hence boosting your confidence.

that's really not hamburger helper then, is it?

meanwhile back at the bat cave....

i thought your story was heading down a road i once traveled. installing some software, i dutifully worked through the directions on page one, then turned to page 2. the first words were "but first...."

i'm all in favor of reinstating the sterilization laws. what? we never had sterilization laws?

now i see the problem.

You weren't interrupting anything at all. I just never saw you again, so I never got to say more than "hi." Yes, I wore the hat for that specific reason. It wasn't like I could say "I'll be the tattooed rockabilly guy with the pompadour" and expect you to pick me out of the crowd.

poignant, heartbreaking and so full of hope all at the same time. for giving us that beautiful confession, you are absolves of all past sins.

i see that you've lost those 400 extra pounds.

I'll be the skinny guy in the psychbilly hat (from my page pic) and rattlesnake skin boots. I put the "K" in klassy. The map to the place is here: Roller Derby It should be easy to find. Just go east on 51st and there should be a sign on your right at the gate.

What was so great about yesterday?

I think as long as you have bread pudding, there's always trust. That's just my take.

I also think that someone like you probably makes it hard to live without somebody else. Ya know?

I love you Smugglebug

wow. you hit a lot of the themes in my life, too.

i've spent the last year holding the hand of a friend who has mental health issues, and who is often self-sabotaging. through the whole time, i've had in the back of my head that for all the help i get her, she'll do it again. but i can't let on...my mantra to her is always positive and forward looking. but i know in my heart of hearts that she'll self-sabotage again.

it seems like you have a lot of things figured out already. or at least your realize that they'll resolve themselves if you just enjoy life, and be thankful for what you're given. that's where i'm at...after several years of sobriety and working hard to open my eyes to the world. i've had to work hard to break free from the immediacy of emotions, to maintain balance, to be just me when others are expecting something different.

insecurity is a difficult condition to address. it's easy to say "i think highly of myself and deserve to be treated well," but much more difficult to shrug it off when someone give you a slight. it took me a year of counseling (:blush to believe, truly believe without reservation, that i'm a valuable person no matter how i'm perceived or treated by others.

just in passing i'll note that i've only seen your face, but i certinaly don't see a bajillion extra pounds as a possibility.

your comment about reincarnation as a cat was very precient. i just took another pciture of the kids today and was going to post it in my jounral with just such a thought--that if i am to be reincarnated, coming back as a cat wouldn't be a bad thing.

I wonder if your best friend really held any ill thoughts towards you at all. I wonder if you even took the time or effort to address with your best friend whether these accusations, as you perceive them to be, are what they seem to be? I wonder, because I wonder why they'd be your best friend if that was the case? I've had few best friends in my life, because they're only known when they come to love you more than themselves, and it doesn't happen very often.

You see, Januar, when you find that person... there are no secrets. They'll know you at times better than you know yourself. They know all your quirks, your aches and pains, and they know how to make you smile. And they've accepted it all into their own lives in order to share all of that with you. Whether it's bad grammer or weekend laziness.

I've put myself out there for my best friend. In the face of absolutely knowing my feelings were not returned, I felt it worth while to let her know what she meant to me. I felt it worth while to stay, even when it hurt that she loved so many others less worthy. And there's not a thing I wouldn't have done for her, not a thing I haven't.

So what is this really about? Because I guarantee you the only reason your friend would ever want to leave, is if they had to see you sad. And since everyone has such a difficult time accepting happiness, especially an SG girl, I bet he has to leave often. If you'd like to believe your best friend would let you down just because most everyone else has, then that's your choice. But if he can't stand to stick around and watch you cry because of thoughts he never held and pain he never meant to give, then you've lost much more than a few tears.

I wish you happiness. I hope you find it. I al-ways have. I'm sorry I can't do this anymore.

the picture of you and mugs could make a person cry.