janie

Now I know I haven't been active since shortly after my last set released in 2022. A big part of it was my own mental health and my view on myself. But there were a few other aspects as well that absolutely caused a massive downhill spiral. I got pregnant in 2022, had my son on July 17th 2023, July 31st we closed on buying a small 3 bedroom house and by August 23rd my mother had a psychosis break and OD'd. It was a rough year from that point on. Not only was I dealing with postpartum depression/anxiety, I then had to deal with the suicide of my mother and the last time I saw her we had a fight which resulted in me enforcing boundaries and asking her to leave my house. Obviously I held a lot of guilt over that. And I could probably write a short book on all the traumatic shit I have lived through, and all the good and bad of my relationship with my mother that lead to this point. But I will not dive into that right now, all I will say is that she was an absolutely amazing phenomenal woman but unfortunately she was a terrible parent who had potential to be so much better but her own demons would never allow for it. And myself being a very empathetic person who is incredibly self aware about the situation I was in with my mother made our relationship incredibly toxic. As much as I loved her, I also hated her to a degree.

After the death of my mother I had to struggle through my first holidays without her that we always did together. Come January 2024 I lost my grandfather. He was always helping my mother and I throughout my entire life, and he was my father figure. It had been a long time coming as he had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's for about 6yrs at this point and it was leading to his down fall. Which could have arguably also lead to my mother's own demise in a way. But regardless at this point I had lost the two most important and consistent people in my life while going through postpartum depression and having to learn to live without these people in my life now for longer than I got to know them.

I had taken 3 months off of work when I had my son so I didn't return to work until October. There was some major financial struggles as I now had my mother's funeral expenses as well as a bill for having just given birth around the same time. And juggling having bought our home and having to re-address the new bills and such. And given that I am an only child it was a struggle dealing with my mother's belongings as she had managed to turn into a hoarder from hell when covid begun.

There were many many other obstacles I encountered after the passing of my grandfather that I had to navigate with my 13yr old and newborn at that time. Bullying, changing of school districts, relearning the new baby parenting routine after having been out of the game for 13yrs, my daughter losing more family members on her father's side of her family. And by the end of 2023 I learned we was expecting our 3rd child. 2024 was a grueling year for my mental health, my body did not have time to heal from the influx of both pregnancy and postpartum hormones.

Our 3rd child was born on October 8th, and I then took another 3 months of leave for my own mental health despite us still struggling financially and returned to work on New Years Eve.

To say that I am struggling would be an incredibly large understatement. I do not know where I stand in the the modeling world right now. I know that I miss the friends I made both models and members alike. I miss doing photo shoots even though I very much hate the weight I have gained from my pregnancies. And I know I can not afford to do photo shoots right now with my $3k bill for birthing my son, as well as my $9k bill from having my fallopian tubes removed last week. But I think I do want to return to this little section of our world eventually. I think that I am sad that in my own mental spiral I purged my page entirely of all the content, besides sets, I had made in my time of being on the site. But I am here and I am lurking for now as I hide and lick my wounds to heal both mentally and physically.

If you have made it this far, I commend you because realistically I really just wanted to vent and explain my absence to you guys.

I have missed you all so much, I adore you guys and I hope I can get back to being as active as I used to be.

💜Janie