janegeraldine

I am having a major catharsis, I think. Or working up to having one. It has been a really weird year for me all around. In February, my mom told me she was leaving my dad after thirty two years of being married. This was not bad news to me. My father and I have never liked each other. He is a verbal abuser who always wanted his first born to be a boy. When not busy telling me how embarrassed he was to have a "fat" daughter (I weighed 120 lbs in high school), he was telling people right in front of me how disappointing it was to have a girl child and how naturally he preferred my brother to me because he's a boy. I could go on for pages about the verbal abuse I suffered at the hands of my father, but hopefully what I've already said gives an ok idea. So, the news of a divorce was not bad to me, just odd and very unexpected. A month later, my boyfriend of five years told me he was leaving me. Although this was horribly difficult to deal with at first, it wasn't all bad either. This is a person who found cheating on me and smacking me with his belt to be good uses of his spare time. A week after he left me, he told me he was living with someone else already. Once I accepted that he was gone and had moved on, I made some major discoveries about myself. I learned a lot about self worth and a lot about the value of being myself. I had been told from the time I was old enough to comprehend until the time my ex walked out the door that I was not good enough for much of anything and that love from another person was really not something I deserved. I now know for the most part that this is not true. I still have rough days, but I think that's to be expected. Throughout this whole mess of crap going on, I have been steadily losing weight...somewhere in the neighborhood of ninety to ninety five pounds now, which I have concluded also messes with my head and gives way to a general feeling of disconnectedness. Now, I am having to come to terms with another issue that I am no stranger to and it is proving MASSIVELY difficult for me when it has never been so in the past. I have learned more about myself throughout this latest issue than I have in a lot of years combined and I find it a little scary. I know I will make it through and come out the other side a better person, but it's tough right now and I find myself in need of emotional support. Sorry this is so long, I just needed to get some stuff out. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read it.