It's alright to hide away underneath the ocean
They never teach you how to say no at school, and they really should.
So, Saturday night was intense, strange, long, good, awful, a mistake.
The girl from a few weeks ago invited me to a party, basically purely for a fuck, plain and simple. Well, thinks i, i'll pretend that i'm into that sort of thing because actually i really like her, and want her, so i'll act like i can do no-strings, and all that stuff. needless to say, i can't. I spent all week psyching myself up, trying to be mr. macho, trying to act like i can fuck with emotional detatchment. I ignored wise advice from people I should have learned to trust by now, ten thousand more apologies for that.
So i went.
Do you remember when you were 17/18 and drinking was purely and simply about getting fucked off your face? When the general aim of a party was to vomit? I'd forgotten what that was like. These days I'm more mature, I know my limit with alcohol, I can get drunk and stay at just the right level without risking a stint driving the porcelain bus. These kids haven't learned that yet.
So H, the girl i was supposed to be there with, was probably the most drunk of all. We fucked, yeah, but I couldn't overcome the feeling that I was acting, not being me, just playing a role. She was so drunk she threw up in my tent in flagrante delicto, as they say. She passed out, and twitched for five minutes until I managed to revive her. She cried, she hurled, she fell over, I held her hair back, I played motherfucking babysitter, all the while knowing if i really was who i was pretending to be.. i'd have just turned and walked away.
I make no bones about admitting I fucked up. I did something that was unfair to everyone involved, I acted like a cunt and I hold my hands up to it.
Strangely, the realisation of this makes me happy.
I am not the shallow piece of shit I think I am sometimes.
Oh yeah, and I told her it's not gonna happen again.
They never teach you how to say no at school, and they really should.
So, Saturday night was intense, strange, long, good, awful, a mistake.
The girl from a few weeks ago invited me to a party, basically purely for a fuck, plain and simple. Well, thinks i, i'll pretend that i'm into that sort of thing because actually i really like her, and want her, so i'll act like i can do no-strings, and all that stuff. needless to say, i can't. I spent all week psyching myself up, trying to be mr. macho, trying to act like i can fuck with emotional detatchment. I ignored wise advice from people I should have learned to trust by now, ten thousand more apologies for that.
So i went.
Do you remember when you were 17/18 and drinking was purely and simply about getting fucked off your face? When the general aim of a party was to vomit? I'd forgotten what that was like. These days I'm more mature, I know my limit with alcohol, I can get drunk and stay at just the right level without risking a stint driving the porcelain bus. These kids haven't learned that yet.
So H, the girl i was supposed to be there with, was probably the most drunk of all. We fucked, yeah, but I couldn't overcome the feeling that I was acting, not being me, just playing a role. She was so drunk she threw up in my tent in flagrante delicto, as they say. She passed out, and twitched for five minutes until I managed to revive her. She cried, she hurled, she fell over, I held her hair back, I played motherfucking babysitter, all the while knowing if i really was who i was pretending to be.. i'd have just turned and walked away.
I make no bones about admitting I fucked up. I did something that was unfair to everyone involved, I acted like a cunt and I hold my hands up to it.
Strangely, the realisation of this makes me happy.
I am not the shallow piece of shit I think I am sometimes.
Oh yeah, and I told her it's not gonna happen again.
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By the way, it only takes 250k in Euro, for the coffeeshop!
[Edited on Jul 03, 2005 10:51AM]