jamberee_

Good morning boys and girls...

I appreciate all the pep talks. I am feeling better this morning. I have done this whole, get drunk and do stupid shit, many a times and I'm sure this will not be the last time that I have to feel this way.

I have spent this entire year with my heart in a flutter about this boy. This one boy... man actually. 38 year old... I have been loving the 38 year olds lately. He is literally everything I want in a partner except for the fact that he doesn't want me. When we are together, we make beautiful love, we laugh, we sing and always have things to talk about. When we're apart (which is most the time) I'm just not whole, sad and longing for what will never happen. We haven't slept together for 6 months but in this past 6 months theres hardly a moment when I'm not thinking about him. I have passed up opportunities to be happy with someone else. All my friends don't want to hear about it anymore, they think I'm sad and pathetic. Its SOO time to move on. Part of me thinks I won't really get over him until I leave this island. I know you have heard me cry about him on here before... Its really really REALLY time to let this go.

Wednesday night humiliation night was the first time we have spent time together in a long time. I talked to him over facebook chat wednesday afternoon and told him I've had it... we can't chat anymore. He is so sweet to me, always talks to me almost every single day over chat. We are always checking in with each other and sometimes talking for hours on end. My friend patrick later described this as the cat and the string technique... that hes just stringing me along, keeping me thinking about him for whenever hes drunk enough, or bored enough to want to fuck me again. There I will be, waiting for him. I kinda freaked out the other day and was like, thats it! No more chatting! I'm sick of feeling heartbroken, loving someone who doesn't love me back. Wanting someone who has told me time and time again we will never be together.

I'm sure I'm making myself sound crazy, but I can't help.... for one, I am crazy... for another, I just don't want to settle for anything less than absolutely what I want in a man and I couldn't even have dreampt this man up cuz hes great in ways I never knew!

I have serious issues with men. We can go as far as saying daddy issues... story with my dad... he barely ever came to see me, but when he did it was amazing, and he never would let himself love me as much as I wanted him to... Sound familiar?

look at me having a little pity party right now lol im so pathetic...



have i ever introduced u guys to my daddy??? Here he is...



He's dead now, but he was awesome.

anyways... i said dont fucking talk to me anymore... please let me move on, and what did he do? say all the right things and then come pick me up and take me on the heiniken boat to see the bioluminecent bay... we met on the heiniken boat this time last year... I thought, what a great opportunity for us to rekindle something...
nope instead i got shitfaced, can't remember anything and now im limping around with a chunk out of my foot... looking thru scratched up glasses feeling like an asshole.

what am i supposed to do with myself??

I just posted a ton of these new pics from my recent shoot that I am absolutely thrilled about and someone commented on one of the pictures...

Jill, you are such a little goofball in person (that's a good thing in my book!) that the gorgeousness gets forgotten. You look really natural and at ease in all these pics. Great job!

Tuesday at 11:29am Unlike 2

I loved this comment... its so true. If any of you knew me in person, I'm such a dork and awkward and I always wear my hair in a bun and slouch a lot.

Its cold today... cold for the carribean... im actually wearing pants. Usually in the morning I chill here at my computer spot...
nakey


the sea is very calm today and its cloudy




at least i got brinx, he loves me.




I am a firm believer in you get what u ask for, I've been trying to meditate on the man of my dreams deciding to move down to the north shore of st. croix (within walking distance) and having a "love at first site" moment and us never spending any time apart ever again.

It could happen... If you see him (or are him) get your ass down here already!


So i shot that set like two weeks ago that I am pretty sure is FABULOUS! but... i'm not paying him and hes a professional photographer with a lot going on and hes putting this project on the back burner.... sg is a lot about patience. I bet you don't know that, unless you are a hopeful or an sg... cuz the whole shooting, editting, queue process is like ages... and then the wait is really on to see if they will buy it.

This set I shot was not just for men that think I'm hot... this is fuckign artsy, great lighting, angles... even the haters are goign to love this one.


I just started a model mayhem page... im not sure if im allowed to do that on here or not so don't tell on me hehe www.modelmayhem.com/jamberee

My mom saw taht I linked someone this on facebook and she was like WAAA??? Are you trying to commit suicide??????? she freaked out... I didn't want to clarify that, no mom, really I'm just posing nude on the internet... lol. I told her to not worry about it and changed the subject quickly.

I feel better now that I expressed my feelings and cried a little... thanks for always being there for me!