I just had 26 oz of prime rib! Yeah take that cholesterol! Haven't had it in 10 years! Taste was incredibly exceptional just as it was 10 years ago! HUBBA HUBBA!
Bartender: You haven't had prime rib in ten years? You just get out (of prison)?
Me: Yeah, went in right after I asked your daughter out on a date when we were in High School.
Bartender: Be careful I have a baseball bat.
Me: Didn't stop me last time.
Me: I'll also take a Crown and coke.
Bartender: You can't handle a Crown and coke.
Me: Well I already had a Virgin (her daughter's name goes here) 10 years ago. I think I'm man enough to have a Crown now.
Bartender: I'm gonna need to see some id.
Me: -hands it to her-
Bartender: Ha! Now I know where you live.
Me: No you don't but you knew where I lived 10 years ago. My current address is on the back.
Bartender: Oh shoot.
As I was eating my second steak, I got to thinking, do vegans mouths water when they are mowing the lawn? Here I am drooling with eyes bulging out of my head when I see this big juicy steak coming towards me. I just think, damn I wonder if vegans ever feel like this.
Later I go to McDonald's and order a plain vanilla milkshake. Nothing else. Just the shake.
Here you go have a nice Easter.
I don't reach out my hand. I just stare at her.
Is something wrong?
Yeah, how do you fuck that up? I hand her my receipt. Where does it say chocolate with whip cream?
Oh I'm so sorry do you want this anyway? Free of charge.
Thinking to myself ''Bitch if I wanted chocolate I would have fucking ordered it.''
I said no. Just get me the milkshake I ordered.
Yes I am full of it today. Be nice. This blind squirrel found his nut.