I feel crabby and cold. I even put on a fleece sweatshirt and I am still freezing. I hate coldness.
I am so sick of being yelled at for everything around here. lets take for one minute example.... tuesday night I worked the midnight shift then I came home and went to bed wednesday morning because tuesday night I never slept before work because I couldn't get some persons dalmatian to stop barking the entire evening. when I got home I felt like shit. so I slept till work that afternoon on wednesday and worked my 5 hours. I locked my car keys in my car that night. which when my dad dropped off spare keys informed me that I need to go to bed early that night. I point out as I am drinking my DECAF coffee that I have only been up for 6 or 7 hours at that point. it will be highly unlikely I would be able to go to sleep because I was so wired. It ended up that I was up half the night (well duh because my body believed it was daytime) and the next morning I woke once to cancel my brothers bus then to make him breakfast which I proceeded to sleep on the sofa for 2 hours because I had no sleep really (my body was still acting like it was night time). then I woke up to get ready for work. so last night I was called at work to ask if I fed her birds. then asked wtf was going on because they should be fed. then bitched at that when I got home that I had coffee last night (which I duely pointed out that I had decaf) and that I can't be sleeping that it should be done at night. that they have full time jobs but they still do stuff. well I understand that. but the days that I work 8 hours then sleep enough to work another shift at another job then automatically switch my sleeping schedule automatically. This is what I hate. I can do this decent to not get screamed at constantly if they did all my days in a row so I have a few days of midnights then followed by a few days of days. but when they flip flop my schedule like that. I can get by and cope but I can't deal with everyone around me. I am still expected to play mom. I am sorry I am 24 I have not had a child. why has it become the point that when I am home I have a child to take care of. I don't mind too much on that. I sleep some then take care of him then fall ssleep on the couch. I can squeeze my sleep in there when my body is going to allow it.
This morning I got yelled at for the coffee again (IT WAS FRIGGIN DECAF DAMNIT......DECAF) then I got yelled at because when I dyed my hair .... I dyed it too dark by accident. For christ sake. my hair was blonde in some sections and brown in the other. I tried getting a color that was a medium brown but deeper tones. not a golden brown. I didn't mean to get it too dark myself. I was trying to cover up the multi hair colors that I thought (my hairdresser thought too) was not right for this haircut though my mom liked the hideous way it looked. plus I was keeping away from the blonde because my mom has short blonde hair. It was like the sky fell down. AND that was only about the hair.
They keep going on about how they are sick and tired of me around here. I can handle the stress from the job but when I come home and it is higher stress to be here... I can't take it anymore. I have been doing really good off my meds. especially that there is no chance that my body releases that stress anymore. The family would freak if they knew. my doc would freak but everytime I say something she wants to add more drugs or higher doses. I have been off for many months now. And I am doing good by it. I was sick of being a zombie
and I was no longer myself. just a behaved, self contained unit with no feelings just going through the motions. Right now I like that I feel happy and sometimes sad. because I actually feel them. I feel like myself. okay I might feel a little hypersexual but that is not anything new for me. I always been like that. Even the drugs couldn't fully take that away. I just didn't enjoy it as much though.
6 days till I see Fleur. I talked to her for a while last night. I miss her a lot. she says that I need to tell my mom that I am coming saying she should understand. She wasn't here for the initial fight when we talked about it. It is horrendous. then they get viscious when things aren't the way they see it. they threaten to put a club on my steering wheel and this and that. If she dealt with this all the time she would understand why I kind have given up. part I still feel guilty from a past life that was so long ago. oh well
I am so sick of being yelled at for everything around here. lets take for one minute example.... tuesday night I worked the midnight shift then I came home and went to bed wednesday morning because tuesday night I never slept before work because I couldn't get some persons dalmatian to stop barking the entire evening. when I got home I felt like shit. so I slept till work that afternoon on wednesday and worked my 5 hours. I locked my car keys in my car that night. which when my dad dropped off spare keys informed me that I need to go to bed early that night. I point out as I am drinking my DECAF coffee that I have only been up for 6 or 7 hours at that point. it will be highly unlikely I would be able to go to sleep because I was so wired. It ended up that I was up half the night (well duh because my body believed it was daytime) and the next morning I woke once to cancel my brothers bus then to make him breakfast which I proceeded to sleep on the sofa for 2 hours because I had no sleep really (my body was still acting like it was night time). then I woke up to get ready for work. so last night I was called at work to ask if I fed her birds. then asked wtf was going on because they should be fed. then bitched at that when I got home that I had coffee last night (which I duely pointed out that I had decaf) and that I can't be sleeping that it should be done at night. that they have full time jobs but they still do stuff. well I understand that. but the days that I work 8 hours then sleep enough to work another shift at another job then automatically switch my sleeping schedule automatically. This is what I hate. I can do this decent to not get screamed at constantly if they did all my days in a row so I have a few days of midnights then followed by a few days of days. but when they flip flop my schedule like that. I can get by and cope but I can't deal with everyone around me. I am still expected to play mom. I am sorry I am 24 I have not had a child. why has it become the point that when I am home I have a child to take care of. I don't mind too much on that. I sleep some then take care of him then fall ssleep on the couch. I can squeeze my sleep in there when my body is going to allow it.
This morning I got yelled at for the coffee again (IT WAS FRIGGIN DECAF DAMNIT......DECAF) then I got yelled at because when I dyed my hair .... I dyed it too dark by accident. For christ sake. my hair was blonde in some sections and brown in the other. I tried getting a color that was a medium brown but deeper tones. not a golden brown. I didn't mean to get it too dark myself. I was trying to cover up the multi hair colors that I thought (my hairdresser thought too) was not right for this haircut though my mom liked the hideous way it looked. plus I was keeping away from the blonde because my mom has short blonde hair. It was like the sky fell down. AND that was only about the hair.
They keep going on about how they are sick and tired of me around here. I can handle the stress from the job but when I come home and it is higher stress to be here... I can't take it anymore. I have been doing really good off my meds. especially that there is no chance that my body releases that stress anymore. The family would freak if they knew. my doc would freak but everytime I say something she wants to add more drugs or higher doses. I have been off for many months now. And I am doing good by it. I was sick of being a zombie
and I was no longer myself. just a behaved, self contained unit with no feelings just going through the motions. Right now I like that I feel happy and sometimes sad. because I actually feel them. I feel like myself. okay I might feel a little hypersexual but that is not anything new for me. I always been like that. Even the drugs couldn't fully take that away. I just didn't enjoy it as much though.
6 days till I see Fleur. I talked to her for a while last night. I miss her a lot. she says that I need to tell my mom that I am coming saying she should understand. She wasn't here for the initial fight when we talked about it. It is horrendous. then they get viscious when things aren't the way they see it. they threaten to put a club on my steering wheel and this and that. If she dealt with this all the time she would understand why I kind have given up. part I still feel guilty from a past life that was so long ago. oh well
domdan6928403:
Ahhh....LIFE. 