I am kinda sad today. depressed more like it.
I had a bit of a breakdown after a fight with my roommate.
If you don't want to hear drama and self inflicting pain then don't keep on reading.
I know I have a lot of indiosyncracies. I don't try to say I don't. It's fairly obvious if you meet me. Matt has known me for a long while and we use to hang out constantly. He should be fully aware of what he is moving in with. I even warned him of a few things too.
Matt also cares too much what other people say to him. The whole time prior to moving in, it was all about what others said to him. I finally said to him (being tired of hearing everyone elses opinions but his) "that it was his decision. not mine. not john's. not anyone else. so make up his own mind."
I did give him pressure time wise. I told him that I needed to know soon if I was moving with him or if I was taking a smaller place. cause if I take a smaller place then I can't move him in later. But fuck I am homeless and I had the money finally to move and I was running out of choices and I had to get my stuff moved out of my friends place too before her boyfriend threw it out. I needed to know and I couldn't wait a month or anything. Maybe I should have just moved in by myself cause he had doubts. That is my own fault.
Though when he turned around and said that it was on. I took it that he made his decision. Apparently not. Last night he brought up that he left his home and the security he had because of me. That this was my fault. He is unsure about longterm money with his job stability so he tells me its my fault that he moved out of his parents house. I never brought up the idea of him moving into me. He brought it up a long time ago and nothing was ever said then when I was apartment hunting on his computer he brought it up so I looked at figures for both arrangements. I looked at the place. He decided that he wanted to look at this place. He started the ball moving on the whole lets live together movement. cause when I originally went I was planning to live by myself. that is how I originally filled out papers to look at the place. Even when I put papers in I was still planning on solo but matt was already talking so I asked to see a larger place when I put down 50 dollars so they would do the paperwork. Then matt looked at the place one day.
I told him that I never forced him. that it was his decision. Of course he goes and says that nothing is ever nicki's fault. Where the fuck did that come from. I have some issues and I think the worst of myself sometimes. I know I have done some shitty things.. and lots of other stuff. BUT I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE THE BLAME FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S DECISIONS!!!! I kept telling him that. He kept forcing the issue that it was my fault and I never take the blame. He said the reason he left the security of his parents house and all that other shit was to help me out. I didn't ask that. I didn't know that. I would not let him move in if that was his reason for moving. This is the guy that has been whining about his parents and wanting to move out. After arguing for a bit and I got tired of it and I started getting the shakes. I hate the shakes cause they make me sick and I tend to lose control. The rage built up from being blamed for someone elses decision. And you can't put me in liable cause he never said why he made his decision prior to it being carried out. At that moment I was pouring a glass of Arizona tea. I threw the 3/4 full gallon (something I never tend to do is throw things in anger) and started outright screaming. That scared the piss out of me (cause its been a good long while that I start uncontrollabley screaming). I even slapped him on the arm I think. I screamed then picked up the tea and put it back in the fridge. I didn't bother finding the lid and putting it back on. I grabbed my glass and walked to my bedroom. I also went out to have a smoke where I sat against a cold wall. I finished and went upstairs and went to my room. I could not stop shaking. It was so bad that I wanted to yak. I started looking for an exacto blade or razor anything so I could silent the shakes with pain. (I haven't cut myself in over a year and before that was probably 2002 but before that it was very common and in highschool it was very common and sometimes very noticeable but I had a record for accidently hurting myself very easily). I ended up opening a pair of my good scissors. I didn't cut myself but I pushed them into my inner thigh. Very hard. it hurt. maybe that is why the shakes didn't stop but subdued a little. I then hit my head against the hardest part of our wall about dozens of times. I went to the kitchen. matt was now asleep. I picked up a minature vodka and my pint of vodka which was 2/3s full. It was crappy pint but we bought it on a week we didn't have money when I was out with Jenna and we made mudslides. so I had peach vodka mixed with arizona tea. I drank the mini in under a minute. then picked up the icky vodka (what am I saying the peach one was gross too even though that was absolute. but I am not much for absolute). I drank many shots real fast. I don't know how much cause I didn't want to look at the bottle today. I tried to call jojo but no answer so I called shane. I talked to shane for a long while. He called me an idiot but I use to call him one too. I was so drunk by the time I was passing out. but I decided I had to go to the bathroom. also wanted a smoke. I was in a bathrobe and underwear and bra. I didn't want to get dressed and I never ever smoke where I live. but I allow matt to smoke the hookah in the house. Though I don't have to worry about drugs with him. so I just sneaked into the stairwell across the hallway and had a quicky. I slept in today. never heard matt get up. jojo finally woke me up with a call.
I didn't think Matt was the best decision as a roomie. but he tries to be on time. I know he wasn't super clean so I knew I would end up doing most dishes and cleaning. but I am into more disinfected areas then he is so I was okay with that.
This week at that point done almost every dish that has been dirtied and I cleaned up so asked in the morning that he would take out the garbage. It sat there for days. I refuse to do it on principle. When he said something like I left a garbage bag sit for days. I told him that I waited to see if it would happen cause after doing all that I did that was the only thing I asked. He got pissy and said what would been better was him taking out the garbage or late for work. I told him that leaving a few minutes early so he could walk to the side of the building or doing it when he got home. I wasn't there every night it sat but I can tell you that he watched his goddamn anime every morning but he couldn't take out the garbage. let alone at night where he probably played his fable game on the xbox. plus one of those days was his day off. so he can't use the blame of work on it anyway. It only happened when he said something about it and acted like he deserved a cookie when he did it.
Last night he came home and he asked what I made "us" for dinner. I told him that I made myself a toasted bologna sandwich. This guy hates most things I make. He refuses a vegatable in anything. His mom had to puree and sneak it into foods for him to get his. I can't leave on meat and carbs. Honestly I don't like tons of meat cause its overwhelming to my stomach. I modified most of the meals I make to suit this. but I am not doing it all the time. He also refuses to eat leftovers. I being that I never really had money or tons of time make food so I have at least one night of leftovers or can freeze some to reheat later. I cannot be that helpful in the food department to someone who is so damn restricted. I could do more for the girl that was allergic to everything. That is sad.
I do have a huge pile of clothes in the hall which is down to the last bit because everything that was in the garage has to be washed before being put away. Though for allergies sake I keep it in the hallway. I have done about 14 loads at least... including blankets. I know I could be faster at it. but I am not. Its not like matts perfectly clean. plus my large blanket actually has to be dragged to the cleaners. but it is now in the corner.
Things that are my fault:
Hurting my family growing up.
not pushing for medical treatment growing up
Turning self destructive.
Cutting myself through highschool
Not getting into the right college.
Getting into drugs while in college ... heck trying them in highschool even
Screwing up in early college at Ediboro.
Drinking too much in pittsburgh.
Getting engaged to the wrong guy
refuse to date someone I still care about because I liked him too much
Getting suspended from edinboro
wasting a summer in pittsburgh taking too many drugs
almost overdosing the one night that summer
Trying to slice open my wrists that summer
Deciding to late that I needed help that summer
Not being perfect in taking my meds
not being honest with my mom when I got off my meds for good reasonings.
Listening to Ly when it came to matters of my life.
Moving in with Ly
Taking help from Ly.
Not standing up to my parents
Running out of the state without telling anyone beforehand
Stealing my car back.
Not paying my tickets in a timely fashion
Driving on a suspended license
Getting caught driving on a suspended license.
Drinking too much on the 4th of July cause I let myself get
put somewhere I was not comfortable with... and everything that happened afterwards
Letting matt back in my life after the fight we had this summer and I kicked him out of my apartment.
Not making certain opportunities happen.
The August Incident
The first instinct in the august incident
letting my decision effect someone else in august.
Not being able to afford my mistake.
Letting my stuff be put in someones garage cause I let myself get talked out of being put in storage.
Getting too involved In Jenn's life
Caring too much for Jenn and her kids.
Not leaving Jenn's after sean went nuts. Actually thinking I was helping her out.
letting my boss help me
staying at another friends house
going without sleep and staying awake all night at diners cause I had issues with homeless shelters after the one and it was too cold outside to sleep
not having enough stuff to keep warm.
Not moving in by myself.
Moving a rat in with me.
I could add a lot more to this list but I will keep it shorter.
well tonight is the artwalk. that means free wine. then TSI drink specials then 80s night with miserybleeds
and wickedteri for more drink specials.
I had a bit of a breakdown after a fight with my roommate.
If you don't want to hear drama and self inflicting pain then don't keep on reading.
I know I have a lot of indiosyncracies. I don't try to say I don't. It's fairly obvious if you meet me. Matt has known me for a long while and we use to hang out constantly. He should be fully aware of what he is moving in with. I even warned him of a few things too.
Matt also cares too much what other people say to him. The whole time prior to moving in, it was all about what others said to him. I finally said to him (being tired of hearing everyone elses opinions but his) "that it was his decision. not mine. not john's. not anyone else. so make up his own mind."
I did give him pressure time wise. I told him that I needed to know soon if I was moving with him or if I was taking a smaller place. cause if I take a smaller place then I can't move him in later. But fuck I am homeless and I had the money finally to move and I was running out of choices and I had to get my stuff moved out of my friends place too before her boyfriend threw it out. I needed to know and I couldn't wait a month or anything. Maybe I should have just moved in by myself cause he had doubts. That is my own fault.
Though when he turned around and said that it was on. I took it that he made his decision. Apparently not. Last night he brought up that he left his home and the security he had because of me. That this was my fault. He is unsure about longterm money with his job stability so he tells me its my fault that he moved out of his parents house. I never brought up the idea of him moving into me. He brought it up a long time ago and nothing was ever said then when I was apartment hunting on his computer he brought it up so I looked at figures for both arrangements. I looked at the place. He decided that he wanted to look at this place. He started the ball moving on the whole lets live together movement. cause when I originally went I was planning to live by myself. that is how I originally filled out papers to look at the place. Even when I put papers in I was still planning on solo but matt was already talking so I asked to see a larger place when I put down 50 dollars so they would do the paperwork. Then matt looked at the place one day.
I told him that I never forced him. that it was his decision. Of course he goes and says that nothing is ever nicki's fault. Where the fuck did that come from. I have some issues and I think the worst of myself sometimes. I know I have done some shitty things.. and lots of other stuff. BUT I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE THE BLAME FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S DECISIONS!!!! I kept telling him that. He kept forcing the issue that it was my fault and I never take the blame. He said the reason he left the security of his parents house and all that other shit was to help me out. I didn't ask that. I didn't know that. I would not let him move in if that was his reason for moving. This is the guy that has been whining about his parents and wanting to move out. After arguing for a bit and I got tired of it and I started getting the shakes. I hate the shakes cause they make me sick and I tend to lose control. The rage built up from being blamed for someone elses decision. And you can't put me in liable cause he never said why he made his decision prior to it being carried out. At that moment I was pouring a glass of Arizona tea. I threw the 3/4 full gallon (something I never tend to do is throw things in anger) and started outright screaming. That scared the piss out of me (cause its been a good long while that I start uncontrollabley screaming). I even slapped him on the arm I think. I screamed then picked up the tea and put it back in the fridge. I didn't bother finding the lid and putting it back on. I grabbed my glass and walked to my bedroom. I also went out to have a smoke where I sat against a cold wall. I finished and went upstairs and went to my room. I could not stop shaking. It was so bad that I wanted to yak. I started looking for an exacto blade or razor anything so I could silent the shakes with pain. (I haven't cut myself in over a year and before that was probably 2002 but before that it was very common and in highschool it was very common and sometimes very noticeable but I had a record for accidently hurting myself very easily). I ended up opening a pair of my good scissors. I didn't cut myself but I pushed them into my inner thigh. Very hard. it hurt. maybe that is why the shakes didn't stop but subdued a little. I then hit my head against the hardest part of our wall about dozens of times. I went to the kitchen. matt was now asleep. I picked up a minature vodka and my pint of vodka which was 2/3s full. It was crappy pint but we bought it on a week we didn't have money when I was out with Jenna and we made mudslides. so I had peach vodka mixed with arizona tea. I drank the mini in under a minute. then picked up the icky vodka (what am I saying the peach one was gross too even though that was absolute. but I am not much for absolute). I drank many shots real fast. I don't know how much cause I didn't want to look at the bottle today. I tried to call jojo but no answer so I called shane. I talked to shane for a long while. He called me an idiot but I use to call him one too. I was so drunk by the time I was passing out. but I decided I had to go to the bathroom. also wanted a smoke. I was in a bathrobe and underwear and bra. I didn't want to get dressed and I never ever smoke where I live. but I allow matt to smoke the hookah in the house. Though I don't have to worry about drugs with him. so I just sneaked into the stairwell across the hallway and had a quicky. I slept in today. never heard matt get up. jojo finally woke me up with a call.
I didn't think Matt was the best decision as a roomie. but he tries to be on time. I know he wasn't super clean so I knew I would end up doing most dishes and cleaning. but I am into more disinfected areas then he is so I was okay with that.
This week at that point done almost every dish that has been dirtied and I cleaned up so asked in the morning that he would take out the garbage. It sat there for days. I refuse to do it on principle. When he said something like I left a garbage bag sit for days. I told him that I waited to see if it would happen cause after doing all that I did that was the only thing I asked. He got pissy and said what would been better was him taking out the garbage or late for work. I told him that leaving a few minutes early so he could walk to the side of the building or doing it when he got home. I wasn't there every night it sat but I can tell you that he watched his goddamn anime every morning but he couldn't take out the garbage. let alone at night where he probably played his fable game on the xbox. plus one of those days was his day off. so he can't use the blame of work on it anyway. It only happened when he said something about it and acted like he deserved a cookie when he did it.
Last night he came home and he asked what I made "us" for dinner. I told him that I made myself a toasted bologna sandwich. This guy hates most things I make. He refuses a vegatable in anything. His mom had to puree and sneak it into foods for him to get his. I can't leave on meat and carbs. Honestly I don't like tons of meat cause its overwhelming to my stomach. I modified most of the meals I make to suit this. but I am not doing it all the time. He also refuses to eat leftovers. I being that I never really had money or tons of time make food so I have at least one night of leftovers or can freeze some to reheat later. I cannot be that helpful in the food department to someone who is so damn restricted. I could do more for the girl that was allergic to everything. That is sad.
I do have a huge pile of clothes in the hall which is down to the last bit because everything that was in the garage has to be washed before being put away. Though for allergies sake I keep it in the hallway. I have done about 14 loads at least... including blankets. I know I could be faster at it. but I am not. Its not like matts perfectly clean. plus my large blanket actually has to be dragged to the cleaners. but it is now in the corner.
Things that are my fault:
Hurting my family growing up.
not pushing for medical treatment growing up
Turning self destructive.
Cutting myself through highschool
Not getting into the right college.
Getting into drugs while in college ... heck trying them in highschool even
Screwing up in early college at Ediboro.
Drinking too much in pittsburgh.
Getting engaged to the wrong guy
refuse to date someone I still care about because I liked him too much
Getting suspended from edinboro
wasting a summer in pittsburgh taking too many drugs
almost overdosing the one night that summer
Trying to slice open my wrists that summer
Deciding to late that I needed help that summer
Not being perfect in taking my meds
not being honest with my mom when I got off my meds for good reasonings.
Listening to Ly when it came to matters of my life.
Moving in with Ly
Taking help from Ly.
Not standing up to my parents
Running out of the state without telling anyone beforehand
Stealing my car back.
Not paying my tickets in a timely fashion
Driving on a suspended license
Getting caught driving on a suspended license.
Drinking too much on the 4th of July cause I let myself get
put somewhere I was not comfortable with... and everything that happened afterwards
Letting matt back in my life after the fight we had this summer and I kicked him out of my apartment.
Not making certain opportunities happen.
The August Incident
The first instinct in the august incident
letting my decision effect someone else in august.
Not being able to afford my mistake.
Letting my stuff be put in someones garage cause I let myself get talked out of being put in storage.
Getting too involved In Jenn's life
Caring too much for Jenn and her kids.
Not leaving Jenn's after sean went nuts. Actually thinking I was helping her out.
letting my boss help me
staying at another friends house
going without sleep and staying awake all night at diners cause I had issues with homeless shelters after the one and it was too cold outside to sleep
not having enough stuff to keep warm.
Not moving in by myself.
Moving a rat in with me.
I could add a lot more to this list but I will keep it shorter.
well tonight is the artwalk. that means free wine. then TSI drink specials then 80s night with miserybleeds
and wickedteri for more drink specials.
but, first, I need to say that this is the most touching thing I've read that wasn't written by some dead white guy.
Seriously, I know the intent with writing this, anything on the internet anyways, is to vent and help you put your life in perspective. Without knowing it, you've helped me out as well. Thank you.
Too often, I take my own disfunction and dissatisfaction and worry and unique in the world. For the first time in a long time, I see someone else, you, as a fully formed person.
Sorry it came from your frustration.
Anyway, good luck.