jackspade

Whats the best way to reduce something that has been blown waaaaay out of proportion? Make fun of it? Produce a little self-deprecating humor, and make yourself the butt of the joke, in order to disarm the whole situation? What happens if you fly off the handle and then realize that you in fact, were the one who is wrong? Then what?

Or what if you werent wrong, or what if no one cares, or what if the whole thing just blows up in your face and you end up feeling as though youve been wasting your time with morons lately, and youre sick of practically everyone you know.

Now whos being judgmental the little voice in my head remarks.

Fuck off, I reply, The last thing I need right now is shit from you too.

Why is it, do you think, that it seems as though everything I do lately has approximately ten times the reactivity that it is intended to. Like I try to swat a bug on the wall, and end up smashing a whole piece of my house to bits. Or is it that I am reacting ten times more harshly than before? Maybe I am just hypersensitive to a fault, so that even the slightest little perturbation results in a disproportioned explosion on my part.

An email, written in jest, however flawed I may have thought its execution to be, blows up into a much larger scale mess than I ever expected.

One down.

A few offhand words at a gathering, a series of circumstances that lead to further unfortunate complications, and now a larger deal than anyone expected, with liaisons, and delegates and phone calls and hurt feeling and miscommunications. Two more down.

Its not as though I feel like Im losing friends, necessarily. Its more like Im gaining enemies, seemingly for reasons out of my control.

Or maybe its all due to things completely in my control, maybe its all me. Maybe Im just marching around with a saucepan on my head banging a wooden spoon against a garbage can lid, screaming at the top of my lungs, making everyone within earshot go crazy.

Or maybe theyre all just fuckers. Myself included.