jackspade

A List of Things.


1. Currently attempting to type for real, it is painfully slow.

2. Have given up the typing for real, and am reverting back to my willy-nilly, three-fingered jitterbug as I stare at the keys and dont give a shit what turns up on the screen.

3. Sister is upstairs uploading who-knows-what to whats-his-names computer, presumably, in Seattle. Music, I guess. Why? I dont frickin know. As it stands, its taking your average SG page about 1:30 to load. Grrrr

4. I am still in the Limbo of not-quite-employed by Cal U, sitting around, waiting for them to call. Should I say, Fuck Em, should I find temporary work, should I pick up bar shifts back at Mad Mex? What the Hell? I just want a fucking income. Im sick of rattling around this house with no motivation or drive or activity; nothing but coffee cups and cat fur and phone calls and then sleeping badly and doing it all again, the same, lather, rinse, repeat, the next day. Im eating leftovers for every meal, and Im sitting in a chair when Im not pacing around wondering if Im gonna have to close out my savings account to cover my bills that I cant pay. Dammit.

5. Saw Rosss show at the Playhouse tonight, and it was good. Kind of an anti-american, fuck the government theme to it all, and thats fine in my book. Generally the performances were solid and the script was well written. Mom was my date, and I think she really enjoyed the night out, which makes me happy. I need to do these sorts of things more often.

6. I dont know what else to say, I suppose. I feel as though Ive been at a loss for about two months now. I keep feeling that same distant, detached feeling that rose up when I was in Chicago, what seems like months ago. It was only a few weeks I guess. Time is strange here. I feel like if Im not out drinking or eating or interacting with the world in some recreational way, that Im just pacing around the house, like a nervous teenage kid hoping against hope for The Call from The Girl He Likes. I suppose its mostly to do with the job, with the lack of money, with the too-much-free-time, but its more than that, I think. Its like everyone else is just fading into the background of my line of sight, like theres some big thing replacing it, obscuring my vision, blotting out the faces of the people Im talking to, obscuring the things Im trying to concentrate on, and generally making me feel fuzzy and disconcerted. Perhaps this is all just a bunch of nonsensical morose rambling, and Im just bored and lazy. Yeah, thats probably more like it.