I had an interesting evening last night.
I got a call from an old friend who I haven't seen in 2-3 years yesterday morning, out of the blue. 8-10 years ago we were in a band together, did the regional club thing, had a lot of fun. He played guitar at my wedding. We kept in pretty close touch until a couple of years ago. But he was still doing the batchelor thing, out all night every night, etc. and we live an hour outside of town, animals to take care of, married, blah blah, you know the story. So we kinda lost touch.
Anyway, he called, said his band has a new singer, their first gig with him was tonight, (last night), and could I make it. And oh yeah the show was at some place called the Rustic Frog in BFE New Albany indiana. I'm not sure, etc. long story slightly shorter, I went.
His band was good, though not my kinda music- cock rock stuff, Korn, limp Bizkit, etc. They are much better than the last time I saw them, 2-3 years ago, and the new singer is good, can really pull that stuff off, and it's not easy to sing. So he's like hey, and its cool, and all that. But as the night goes on- and they play three sets, from about 10pm to 2:30am- I start feeling really weird.
My self image is not nearly what it once was. My confidence in myself has really suffered in recent years. I used to think that I was "cool", and that people liked me, and I was attractive, and all that stuff. Now, I don't even really know what half that means. Part of it is that the field of feedback has narrowed tremendously- I'm not nearly as socially active, and the most interaction I get is with Regan and the 4-5 people at work. Hardly a wide field to judge others' reactions to me. And I guess I am used to judgng myself by others reactions. And it is also weird to go to a show, and not be part of the action. I can count the number of shows I have gone to on 2 hands since I was last in a band. Even though it has been years, it still feels unnatural to watch somebody else. I'm not part of the "group" anymore. I used to be able to go to any number of haunts and find a group of people I was comfortable hangin with.
Apparently, not anymore.
So after the gig, with all this nebulously rolling around in my mind, and not ready for home, I go to cafe 360 for something to eat. Walk in, and I am the only one by myself, and I know no one. So I hurriedly eat a sandwhich and bolt, feeling worse than ever.
I get home, get 5 hours of VERY interrupted sleep, and wake up still kinda bruised, and feeling kinda shallow, and like I should just grow up and get over it already.
And then Regan came to the rescue. I hadn't even told her what was going on in my mind, had just said something like I don't know if people like me anymore, they don't like talking to me, or something like that.
She laughed.
"What are you talking about? people come up to on the street and just start talking to you. You can't go anywhere without someone saying hi." And more of the same. And I realized she was right.
And I thought how odd it is that our own perceptions of ourselves, our relations to the wider world, and how others relate to us, are skewed and usually completely wrong. We deceive ourselves ABOUT ourselves every day. What a way to relate.
I got a call from an old friend who I haven't seen in 2-3 years yesterday morning, out of the blue. 8-10 years ago we were in a band together, did the regional club thing, had a lot of fun. He played guitar at my wedding. We kept in pretty close touch until a couple of years ago. But he was still doing the batchelor thing, out all night every night, etc. and we live an hour outside of town, animals to take care of, married, blah blah, you know the story. So we kinda lost touch.
Anyway, he called, said his band has a new singer, their first gig with him was tonight, (last night), and could I make it. And oh yeah the show was at some place called the Rustic Frog in BFE New Albany indiana. I'm not sure, etc. long story slightly shorter, I went.
His band was good, though not my kinda music- cock rock stuff, Korn, limp Bizkit, etc. They are much better than the last time I saw them, 2-3 years ago, and the new singer is good, can really pull that stuff off, and it's not easy to sing. So he's like hey, and its cool, and all that. But as the night goes on- and they play three sets, from about 10pm to 2:30am- I start feeling really weird.
My self image is not nearly what it once was. My confidence in myself has really suffered in recent years. I used to think that I was "cool", and that people liked me, and I was attractive, and all that stuff. Now, I don't even really know what half that means. Part of it is that the field of feedback has narrowed tremendously- I'm not nearly as socially active, and the most interaction I get is with Regan and the 4-5 people at work. Hardly a wide field to judge others' reactions to me. And I guess I am used to judgng myself by others reactions. And it is also weird to go to a show, and not be part of the action. I can count the number of shows I have gone to on 2 hands since I was last in a band. Even though it has been years, it still feels unnatural to watch somebody else. I'm not part of the "group" anymore. I used to be able to go to any number of haunts and find a group of people I was comfortable hangin with.
Apparently, not anymore.
So after the gig, with all this nebulously rolling around in my mind, and not ready for home, I go to cafe 360 for something to eat. Walk in, and I am the only one by myself, and I know no one. So I hurriedly eat a sandwhich and bolt, feeling worse than ever.
I get home, get 5 hours of VERY interrupted sleep, and wake up still kinda bruised, and feeling kinda shallow, and like I should just grow up and get over it already.
And then Regan came to the rescue. I hadn't even told her what was going on in my mind, had just said something like I don't know if people like me anymore, they don't like talking to me, or something like that.
She laughed.
"What are you talking about? people come up to on the street and just start talking to you. You can't go anywhere without someone saying hi." And more of the same. And I realized she was right.
And I thought how odd it is that our own perceptions of ourselves, our relations to the wider world, and how others relate to us, are skewed and usually completely wrong. We deceive ourselves ABOUT ourselves every day. What a way to relate.
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
Having read your journal entry, I agree that it often takes someone else to make us see how things really are. As someone with an often appalling sense of perspective, I often tend to get bogged down by details: This can render me unable to see a bigger picture, so the views of an objective person are invaluable.
I hope you have a lovely Christmas.
I'd eat fish every day if i could afford to
Good to hear you had a nice weekend as well as a productive one.
And yes....coconut martini...
It was tropical, dreamy and pretty strong ( i love my vodka
The food was wonderful, so i'm hoping after the holidays....we'll make another trip back there.
I can't believe that christmas is already here, is it me or did 2005 fly by?