jackmd

I have been depressed,
its gone on too long and is getting old.
I am lucky to have what I have, and happy for the most part.
Many good things are happening around me,
but I have been stuck in a rut and have not allowed myself to be happy.
I have needed to vent the negativity here since I figure no one really reads it and I need to get it out.
I have not trolled or gone back to look at any of the last few months of shit here at all, just said my little whiny lame rants so I can get it out of me, never shared it or expected anyone to read it nor care.
We all get depressed sometimes but I am being stupid about it and need to get over myself.
So I need to change this because I am just being dumb at this point. SO.

My daughter and I have been hanging out some and it is really nice, we had a little natural separation when she turned 18 and were on good terms but didn't really see or talk to each other much. Now she is 22, lives nearby and we talk to each other every day and see each other several times per week and enjoy each others company. It's kind of weird when you can go have beer with your kid, people look at us funny until they realize she's my kid. She reminds me I am needed, loved and albeit a little ghetto and weird, hardly a loser. My younger daughter 20 has been troubled for some time, she lives is WA. but just visited. The trip was super positive because we all got to be together again (like how I spent my entire 20s and 30s) and we had a major communication breakthrough. She started to see how she could be more independent and self reliant. She also had a blast hanging out with her sister and it was a joy to see the girls together getting along and having some great times. I talk to her far more often now and love her very much. My job has been awesome, sales are growing and everyones making money. The employees who work for me have been so kind and loyal and even understanding when I was feeling bad. They checked on me and made sure I understood they need and respect me. They also reminded me that I have been doing that for them for years without fail and it was a natural reaction on their part to reciprocate. I feel a wealth of gratitude for this and will pay it back endlessly. The bussers who have worked for me off an on for 10 years daughter, Suzy is graduating high school with honors. She is special to me because I met her when she was in 5th grade. She used to come down and do the english/spanish translation for us. She then went to work for us when she was old enough and is one of our best. They also have lived in my neighborhood for the entire time Ive been here and most of the kids in the hood do not finish high school. So I told her mom Maria I would sponsor a graduation party for her gratis and Maria just started crying and gave me and Becky (right hand manager) a big old hug and said than you thank you. It was very touching and I am so proud of Suzy, she is a great kid.
My friends have been great too, whether were skating, drinking, building the bowl or whatever else everyone is down with each other and really cool. They made sure I was ok when I needed it but didn't let me carry on. Perfect, thanks. We may not be cosmopolitan or hip but our little scene is fun and suits me.
My high school friends that I have recently meet up with on 2facebook have been really cool too, everyone of them told me to tell my parents hello, you know you got rad parents when that happens. Their like remember the time your mom drove all the cypress high punks to Black Flag at the cuckoos nest......thanks mom and dad you are the best ever. I have even started working on my house on my days off finally, long way to go but each week there is progress.
I know i have a ways to go before I am completely past the bad feelings I have had but it is time to focus on what matters and grow beyond my current lame emotional state. I would sure love a distraction to make it easier but at least I know I have nothing to feel bad about.