jackmcginnis

I feel like I've been a bad person...sometimes but I've come to a point where I think I've started to make some process towards being less depressed.

What makes me feel bad is that NOT listening to my parents and just doing what I think is right has yielded positive results towards battling my depression. Probably because they've both fucking given up on being anything but negitive, angry people which does nothing to help me get better but I think I've kind of moved on.

To give you some background, when I was a kid I was that one in a million kids that listened to his parents and believed that everything they said was pure truth. Good for them (they had a low maintenance kid), bad for me it caused me to have a couple of break downs later in life when I finally faced the real truth that they didn't really believe the stuff they had taught me to believe. I don't blame them though, their intentions in the beginning where chase. Try to raise a kid well. Of course as I grew up they also drifted further and further apart from each other (like really strong magnets) putting me in the middle to play messenger, problem solver, basically to be the adult of the three. I'm telling you making a kid be the mediator and voice of reason for two adults at age 12 sure does fuck you up.

But really I didn't come here to write about how they screwed up. I came to write my thoughts out to encourage me to follow this path since while maybe not the safest or wisest in their eye (fuck that they aren't even really paying attention to my path anymore) it does seem to have some good on it. I guess maybe I came to write to toss off some fear? Which frankly there is a lot since I'm facing a lot of them I developed when I was young.

The current one being photography and my dad and the fact that even though I've spent eight years trying to get him to teach me what he knows or discuss what he knows and all I've gotten is the same brand of vague and degrading comments. It's like during the years he did photograph he was a stupid kid and that nothing can come from encouraging that in me but he won't say flat out that I shouldn't or can't.

I'm thinking that Monday was another start of a new era. While at the Detroit Zoo taking pictures I found myself asking "is it wrong to not feel alone when you are all alone?" I had an amazing time Monday at the zoo, just me and my camera, all alone. Maybe I didn't feel totally alone since I was surrounded by animals that were more civilized then most people I see on a daily basis, but you see the point. I didn't have people pretending that they truly believe the noblest things or giving me vague comments on how to improve my shots or anything of the sort.

It was me and my camera, deciding everything and trying to make the best decisions and shots based on what I thought was best. Being able to have the clarity of hearing myself think that allowed me to try different things and have new ideas. I had fun and felt like I learned something. Period, no strings, no feeling bad because I didn't feel a certain way.

Still I don't think that I have to be totally alone to have moments of clarity or have a good time. I still believe that there are positive people out there that can effect me in postive ways. Maybe they won't always be a postive influence but I'll just have to make a judgment call on that which such a happy change for me from the world of absolutes I was taught.

The world does not make sense, it can't make total sense, but I am now seeing that is one of the things that makes it so great. That the things you do and the places you go may not make sense or reason but with the intention of trying to do what you think is best you will learn a lot more then just doing what people have told you is best.

So what if I spent and am still spending insane amounts of money on frivolous stuff. I'm learning that if it teaches me something important or stimulates me to explore or discover something important it is worth it. Then again I know very well that not every stupid decision ends that way. Just how things that seem to be stupid choices turn into learning experiences and experiences you grow from seemingly bad decisions can just be bad decisions. Same applies with seemingly good actions and decisions. Good can equal bad and good.

On that note I think I've done enough rambling. I don't know if I've made any sense. I feel like I've made some sense to myself but if you feel like I'm chock full of shit or gone off the deep end or just have it wrong. Tell me flat out and why you think so...I'm not looking for a fight since I won't be offended...I'm just curious about other people's thoughts. Yes I'm looking at you.