Hello, world!
Trigger warning: depression and suicide. Skip this one if you need to. Otherwise, read on and be comforted that you are not alone and know that others might have the same problems; or to be thankful for the health you have and to not take it for granted.
I have striven to be up front about my depression and mental health challenges, to be a beacon for those going through the same thing. I said I don't sugarcoat and over-curate my social media profiles so I present as a normal, fallible human being.
I haven't been 100 percent honest the past week; my depression has been hitting me hard. I had an incident over the last weekend.
If you follow me, you know I am a regular Pokémon GO player. I spend a lot of time downtown in my city as the game is better there. Saturday before last, I was playing downtown. Over time, several homeless approached me asking for money. I was reminded of my own financial situation, which is a trigger for my depression. I pressed on.
Later, I was approached by a scraggly-looking stranger on the street behind the mall. He asked me my name, age, and mental health status. I told him about depression. He asked me if there were any way to make money in this town besides traditional work. I told him not really, besides online microjobs like Amazon Mechanical Turk, CoinWorker, CrowdFlower, etc. I said I started an art studio and am not famous yet, but hope to turn that into something. He left me alone after awhile. I was still feeling fairly okay.
Then the figurative axe fell. I was at a street corner battling a Gym (for non-players: go to a real world point of interest in the game and use your resources to take over that point of interest for your team, a competitive goal). This intersection was next to a nightclub. A group of clubgoers passing by made fun of me. A male clubber made demeaning remarks about me and looked to his female clubbers for approval. These beautiful women laughed with him.
This seemed to do it. I needed to get home immediately.
My town has two disconnected freeways joined by inner-city roads. On the way home, a small group of bikers with bitch riders surrounded me at the traffic light. They seemed to be taunting me but I tried to ignore them. They took off to the freeway when the signal turned green. I didn't know it yet, but I was becoming suicidal. I floored it down the freeway at 145 km/h (90 MPH) before getting home.
My mood wrecked my household's mood and I saw no support because frankly, the others are not health professionals and I didn't expect them to be. I was able to figure out that I was in danger and left home and drove to the hospital.
I had been there before, so I knew the drill. Triage, vitals, explaining suicidal thoughts. Security escort to the psych Emergency Department where the intake took my stuff, waved me down, took a drug test. Then I went to a room.
There's next to nothing in those rooms. Just a bed, a table, and a chair. But I was in a safe place and that was all that mattered. The nurses were very nice, and reinforced my respect for the nursing profession. A psych clinician discussed my experience, and a physician checked my physical health. I was dispensed my prescription medication and I did my best to relax for the night. The next steps would come in the morning.
I can't remember all of my thoughts, but it seemed the worst was over. I was in a safe place. I noticed the ceiling tiles, smoke detector, some unknown sensor with a blue blinking light, and the cameras.
I thought about what the clubbers said. Was I supposed to be a "normal" person like everyone else? Sure, I was a chubby guy standing on a street corner in sweatpants, mashing away on a smartphone connected to a power supply in his pocket, the cable dangling in front of him. Yeah, that's pretty ridiculous and probably easy to laugh at.
I thought about how humans aren't that much different than animals. The guy in the group wanted to look cool in front of the girls, so to demonstrate his superiority and fitness for mating, he picked an easy target. He got the approval he was seeking. The winner mates. The loser goes home alone.
Then I thought about what comprises "normal?" Is there ever really a normal? We are humans, all with distinct personalities, interests, hopes, dreams, memories. What dictates the socially acceptable? What drives people to enforce these standards? Are these social standards real enough to matter?
Why was I triggered? Did I have a flashback to my childhood bullying? Was I upset about being judged by women I found attractive? Was I upset that a bully seemed to be successful by putting others down, something that is also happening in the leadership of governance in this country?
Then I think of other things.
Do I even need others' approval to validate myself and define my human value? Seriously, what is "normal?" Should I be playing sports or something instead of playing Pokémon GO? That involves going out, getting physical activity, competing against others for a goal...wait, that's Pokémon GO. In the end, it's all the same.
What does picking on an easy target say about one's character? Who did this guy think he was? That behaviour will probably cause something not to go his way at some point in his life. Karma does have a way of working things out, you know.
Morning came. I was able to sleep. The nurse came in with morning medications. The tech asked me if I wanted to order breakfast. I had blueberry pancakes and fresh pineapple slices.
I felt much better. I thought about some of the things I came up with last night and some of it really made sense.
It's OK to be different.
I actually felt much better and was able to return home immediately instead of staying at the recovery centre for a week. The weather was warm and sunny, a pleasant, gentle breeze blowing.
Sometimes all you need is a good night's sleep. And remember, it's OK to be different. It doesn't matter what other people think or how they act. There are many, many people going through similar struggles. It is important to know you are never alone and are very much loved and needed by your community.
I though about my parents, pets, my volunteer friends, my Pokémon friends, my friends that moved far away but still keep in touch. I mean a lot to them. Take a moment to think about the people in your life. Sometimes a crisis will hide them from you, but know that you matter, more than you may realize.
So keep on moving through this weird but beautiful world. Crises are temporary. Love is forever. And never forget to love yourself.
And of course, if it gets really, really bad and the crisis covers up and hides away all those good things, and you can't enjoy the things that make you happy: don't delay, go get help now. That's what I did.
Love you all.
J
