Hey there.
I want to talk a bit about vulnerability. Usually, people like me think of "vulnerability" like an opponent's weak spot in a video game. But life has taught me more. There's an innate vulnerability in being human, and it's actually a good thing.
People who grew up as I did developed very, very strong solid psychological "walls" to keep people out. I was a very different kind of kid, and this made me a target. You carry that stuff into adulthood though, and find that these "walls" don't exactly serve you like they used to. They get in the way, actually.
It's taken me into my thirties to really learn this, and it's sad that some people may never learn. It's important to take down those walls. This means sharing your emotions with others, even if they aren't exactly "perfect" emotions.
Humans are emotional beings. Of course we get happy, joyous, celebratory. But that emotional gamut runs into other areas like disgust, anger, sadness. We all experience these emotions but so many of us keep these to ourselves, or at least I had a habit of doing so.
I needed to learn that as human, I couldn't possibly be an emotional paragon, feeling nothing but joy. I used to think that was the only way to make friends. I learned that it was a way to make a lot of really shallow, superficial friends, but not the kind of friends that have your back when things get tough.
To make real friends, you have to be open about those other emotions to make a genuine connection with someone. It's kind of like reading a good book; stories with a protagonist who is seemingly perfect at everything and who faces little or no conflict can be a very dull read. Characters with flaws, the ones who struggle to make it in life, that learn and grow, that make their feelings known through their dialogue or actions, those are the page-turners.
This becomes very true for someone like me who struggles with depression. That can be tricky, as too many down feelings can turn others away. But what if I shared a little of the challenges I face? Like the main character of a good story, would that make me a more genuine, relatable person?
Today was challenging for me. I was out and about, having an okay time playing Pokémon GO when my mood suddenly crashed. That can happen with a brain wired for depression. I suddenly began to feel as if my world was crumbling, a sinking feeling as if being on unstable ground. Motivation to continue playing evaporated and my energy plummeted. Exhausted, I was able to make it back to my car to get home safely.
At home, it wasn't much better. I usually draw or write to bring about a catharsis in my struggle, but the good feelings failed to materialize. There was, what felt like a huge nothingness. It's a scary feeling. Now, I feel as if the worst of these feelings have passed, but reflecting on today, it seemed rather sad. I stay in the present moment to re-ground myself in an effort to rebuild myself.
I've seen some other members and models here that have similar struggles, and I really hope that by making myself more vulnerable, I have helped someone feel just a little less alone in what can be a frightful place.
We all have our challenges in life. If we could share more of how we feel about and approach these challenges, maybe there would be less loneliness in what can really seem like a lonely world today, where genuine friendships are often replaced with social media.
Okay, I've rambled a bit. Pat yourself on the back if you made it this far. If you're also going through this, hell, even if you aren't exactly going through rough times, everyone who read this has a hug, a good one that warms the heart.
Take care and as I get better, more drawings are coming.
J