Okay. This is by far the craziest thing that's ever happened to me. People who were in SG Chat around 2:30 this morning can attest that it actually happened, as I turned my webcam on for them to witness.
I also have video that I stealthily took on my iPhone, which I'm in the process of editing down and uploading.
Spoilered because it's long, but you should read it. It's fucking nuts.
I also have video that I stealthily took on my iPhone, which I'm in the process of editing down and uploading.
Spoilered because it's long, but you should read it. It's fucking nuts.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
Last night/this morning, my doorbell rang at around 1:30am. I had friends over until about half an hour earlier, so I figured it was just one of them who forgot something. I go to the door, and there's a woman out there I've never seen before. She's very short, like 5' tall, and wearing sunglasses. So I crack the door a little and she says, "Hey man, I was in a car with this dude and he kicked me out! He took my shoes, and my hoodie, and my keys! Can you give me a ride downtown?"
I didn't want to go anywhere and I live very close to downtown Reno, so I said, "No, I don't think I can do that."
Unphased, she said, "Do you have a coat or some shoes I could have?"
I did not want to give this woman any of my stuff, so I said, "No." It's worth mentioning that RIGHT behind me is a coat rack with about 5 different jackets on it. She didn't seem to notice.
Then she said, "Well, can I come in and warm up a little?" As she said this she kind of pushed my door open and put a foot inside. It wasn't forceful or threatening, and I had opened the door up a little as we exchanged words.
I absolutely, positively did not want to touch this woman. I figured if I touched her, that would open up a whole world of bullshit possibilities. She could claim I pushed her and she fell, or hit her, or whatever. So I just stepped back and said, "Uhh, okay."
She came in and asked my name, and I told her. I asked her name, and she said "Sandra Doppinelli." I remember because I made a note of it on my iPhone. I offered to call the police, because she'd basically been robbed. When I mentioned calling the police she got really nervous and said, "No, no, no, don't call the cops."
That's the first red flag, for anyone keeping track.
But she seemed pretty harmless and just genuinely freaked out by what had just happened to her, so I didn't really think much of it. She sat down on my couch and I offered to get her a glass of water. She said, "Do you have any alcohol?" Again, I figured she was just freaked out because she was just dumped out of some dude's car, and possibly even worse things that she wasn't willing to tell me. So I got her a glass of wine.
So I'm sitting at my desk in the living room, and she's sitting on the couch, and I'm asking her all these questions. "What kind of car was he driving; what did he look like; what all did he take that belonged to you," etc. And as she's answering, it becomes very clear that she's completely high. Utterly fucked up. She's looking off into space, not answering my questions, blurting random stuff out, can't control the volume of her voice, etc.
So I'm thinking to myself, "Shit. Now I have this woman, stoned off her ass, in my house. How do I get her out?"
Then she says, "Let me see your eyes." Before I can respond with, among other things, "What the hell?" she comes over to me, takes my glasses off, and then just stares into my eyes. At this point I noticed that her lips were all fucked up, either because she had herpes or because she was doing some heavy drugs. Red flag number two. I also noticed she had the peace symbol drawn on her arm in green marker. After a few seconds she just says, "nice," puts my glasses back on my face, and sits down again.
So I'm really freaked out, and I say, "Well, are you absolutely sure you don't want me to call the cops? I mean, he stole your stuff and dumped you out of his car, that's messed up." She doesn't want me to call the cops. Now she's laying down on my couch, and she asks for a blanket. So I give her one. Almost as soon as I give her the blanket she goes, "Do you smoke?" I don't. She says, "Okay, I'm gonna go outside and look for a cigarette or an ashtray or something, I'll be right back." She jumps off the couch, puts on my sandals (!!!), and walks out the door with my blanket and sandals.
At this point, I could say to myself, "Okay. She's got a blanket and some sandals. Lock the door and cut your losses at a blanket and sandals, before she comes back inside." However, this blanket belonged to my grandfather and it has a lot of sentimental value to me. And I really liked those sandals. So I'm hesitant to do that.
A few minutes after she goes outside she knocks on the door again, and I let her in. She couldn't find any half smoked cigarettes in my driveway, turns out. So she lays back down on my couch, and I say, "Okay, well. You can lay here for a few minutes and get warm, but I really need to go to bed, so you need to go in a few minutes."
Her response is, "Can we watch a movie?" Keep in mind, she's totally fucked up. I'm like, "No, we can't do that. You need to go soon." She pleads, "Can we just watch like ten minutes of a movie? Ten minutes of a movie and then I'll go." This is the first time she's mentioned leaving, so I'm like, okay. I'll do this, and we'll see if she leaves after ten minutes. I put in a movie (Spaceballs, if anyone's curious), and we watch it. Well, she watches it and I stare at her, while taking mental inventory of everything in my living room.
Ten minutes goes by and I say, "Okay, time to go." She says, "Noooooooooo, I'm not warm yet. Can you rub my feet?"
My response was, I think verbatim, "I'm absolutely not doing that." She whines and pleads and I refuse some more. So then she says, "Just come sit next to me on the couch." Again, I adamantly refuse. At this point she's rolling around on the couch on her back, with her arms flailing around, kind of like a stoned out cat. And I'm just watching her in disbelief, trying to figure out how to get her out of my house.
Because here's the thing: I can't call the cops in front of her. She's already reacted really strongly against my suggestion to call the cops, and that was when it was for her benefit, not to forcefully evict her from my warm couch. If I started talking to the police with her in front of me, it could get bad. I don't know how she'd react. Similarly, I can't excuse myself to another room to do it, because she might steal everything in my living room. I can't lock her in a room in my house, because how the hell am I supposed to do that? So really, I'm just kind of stuck unless I can somehow talk her into leaving or force her to leave. But again, I don't want to touch her unless I'm forced to do it. That seems like a bad idea.
It's worth mentioning that as she's rolling around on my couch, talking about her kids in Arizona, or the dude who she was making out with who stole her keys, and how some people call her Dreamchild (no shit), she blurts out, "Oh my god, I'm cumming." I honestly didn't know how to react to that. Because I was nervously staring at her this entire time, I don't think she was masturbating, but I can't be sure.
So after a while of this going on, she says, "Hey, can I take a bath?" My immediate reaction was to say no, but I thought about it for a minute. Really, the safest place to put this person is the bathroom. The most valuable thing in there is a $15 bottle of Clinique face wash, there's nothing in there that she can break or ruin, because it's all porcelain or tile, and most importantly I can hold the door closed and call the cops if I really have to do that. So after a minute of thinking and running through this logic in my head, I say, "Actually, yeah. Take a bath." So I get her a towel and she goes into the bathroom. At this point it's about 2:30. I tell her that she can be in the bath and in my house until 3:00, but at 3:00, she has to leave. She agrees. It's also worth mentioning that when she got up, her pants were unbuttoned and unzipped; so she actually may have been masturbating on my couch.
As soon as the door's closed I run over to my computer, where SG Chat is open, I tell everyone the situation, and ask what to do. Most people tell me to call the cops, but this is in addition to everyone telling me to turn my webcam on, which I eventually do. From this point on, there are witnesses.
And here's the thing about calling the cops. This woman does not strike me as menacing or threatening. I really do think she got dumped out of a car by a stranger whom she was making out with, and she was cold in the night with no jacket or shoes. If she was sober, this would be a relatively boring affair. She'd come in, I'd give her a blanket and call the cops for her, and they would come and deal with this. Because she's stoned the whole thing is a lot weirder, but that doesn't change the fact that a really crappy thing happened to this woman, who didn't deserve it. If I do call the cops, they're almost certainly going to take her to jail for being so fucked up. And honestly, I don't want to do that to her. I don't happen to like drugs, but I don't care if people do them. I don't want to land this woman in legal trouble because she had faith in people and knocked on my door, even if it is freaking me out and massively inconveniencing me.
So at this point, I decide I'm not going to call the cops. I'm going to be forceful with my language and really stress that she needs to leave. That's my plan.
I knock on the door at like 2:55, and tell her it's time to go. Before she comes back into the living room, I prop my iPhone up against a bowl on my desk with the camera facing the room, and turn on the camcorder. So I have video of the thing from this point forward.
She comes out of the bathroom in the towel and sits back down on the couch. She asks if I have a bathrobe or something. I don't, but after a few minutes I find an old sweatshirt that she can wear. She puts it on and sits on the couch some more. I'm like, "Okay, you gotta go." She says, "Can I just stay until 4:20, because that's like the perfect time! Or I could sleep here overnight!" I say, "Absolutely not, you said you'd leave at 3:00, you need to go." It becomes clear pretty quickly that she doesn't intend on leaving.
So at this point I start to get a little pissed off. Up until now I've been very calm, kind, patient, and forgiving. This is like the third time she said she'd leave and she didn't. So now instead of suggesting that she leave, I'm like, "Okay, you need to leave right now. Right fucking now." She gets pissed at me being pissed and starts to say things like, "I'm not leaving," or worse, "I'll burn this whole fucking house down," to which I reply that, that kind of language makes me want to call the cops. Calling the cops seems to phase her a little bit.
We have this back and forth for like 20 minutes. It's hard because sometimes she just becomes unresponsive, and goes back into rolling around on the couch, mumbling random shit, or looking up at the ceiling like it's a kaleidoscope or something.
After about 20 minutes I say, "Okay, listen. You said you'd leave at 3:00, and you didn't. It's now like 3:30. I'm done. You need to get dressed and get out of my house, or I'm calling the cops." She again responds with, "No, I'm not leaving. You need to rub my feet." I say, "I'm not rubbing your feet." She asks me to sit next to her. I won't. She says she's really horny. I don't respond, because I don't want to go anywhere near that topic with this disgusting woman (who, by the way, would have been very attractive ten years ago and before she started doing drugs). She keeps patting the couch next to her and pleading for me to sit with her, which I won't do. This makes her upset, and she says, "I'm not leaving until you sit here with me and rub my feet!"
At this point I grab my phone, turn the video off (bummer), dial 911, and hold the screen up to her so she can see. It's a very similar motion to someone holding a cross out at a vampire, and it actually has a similar effect. She's like, "oh my god, okay, okay, I'm going!" She sits up. I'm saying things like, "I need to see progress! Let's fucking go!" Very slowly and painstakingly she manages to stand up, and then she says, "Can I just please have a hug?" I'm like, "Fucking no. Get your shit and get out!" I'm brandishing the phone this whole time like it's a weapon, and that's the effect that it's having, which is massively amusing to me even at the time.
So she says, "I'm not leaving until I get a hug. I just want to cuddle." So I hit dial on 911, and show her that the phone is calling. She's like, "Noooo! Arrrrgh!" and she lunges at the phone. I hit cancel on 911, because I didn't intend to call it, just scare her. And because it's a $400 iPhone 3GS, I clutch it with all my might while shoving her away with my other hand. This seems to excite her, and she turns around so her ass is facing me, and tries to sit in my lap. I shove her to the ground, dial 911 again, and go, "I'm calling the fucking cops if you aren't out of my house in like 30 seconds." Still pointing the phone at her like a cross. This time the seriousness of the situation seems to sink in, she puts her pants on, and after about 5 minutes of me forcing her towards the door with my phone, I finally managed to get her outside. I slammed the door, deadbolted it, locked it, and turned off the porch light.
When I came back to the living room, I saw her panties on the floor. She had left without putting them on. I showed everyone in SG chat by holding the panties with a stainless steel mechanical pencil, like it was a gun at a crime scene, then proceeded to turn a baggie inside out to collect them for further demonstration (thanks, Rach).
Annnnnnnnnnnnd that's my story.
Last night/this morning, my doorbell rang at around 1:30am. I had friends over until about half an hour earlier, so I figured it was just one of them who forgot something. I go to the door, and there's a woman out there I've never seen before. She's very short, like 5' tall, and wearing sunglasses. So I crack the door a little and she says, "Hey man, I was in a car with this dude and he kicked me out! He took my shoes, and my hoodie, and my keys! Can you give me a ride downtown?"
I didn't want to go anywhere and I live very close to downtown Reno, so I said, "No, I don't think I can do that."
Unphased, she said, "Do you have a coat or some shoes I could have?"
I did not want to give this woman any of my stuff, so I said, "No." It's worth mentioning that RIGHT behind me is a coat rack with about 5 different jackets on it. She didn't seem to notice.
Then she said, "Well, can I come in and warm up a little?" As she said this she kind of pushed my door open and put a foot inside. It wasn't forceful or threatening, and I had opened the door up a little as we exchanged words.
I absolutely, positively did not want to touch this woman. I figured if I touched her, that would open up a whole world of bullshit possibilities. She could claim I pushed her and she fell, or hit her, or whatever. So I just stepped back and said, "Uhh, okay."
She came in and asked my name, and I told her. I asked her name, and she said "Sandra Doppinelli." I remember because I made a note of it on my iPhone. I offered to call the police, because she'd basically been robbed. When I mentioned calling the police she got really nervous and said, "No, no, no, don't call the cops."
That's the first red flag, for anyone keeping track.
But she seemed pretty harmless and just genuinely freaked out by what had just happened to her, so I didn't really think much of it. She sat down on my couch and I offered to get her a glass of water. She said, "Do you have any alcohol?" Again, I figured she was just freaked out because she was just dumped out of some dude's car, and possibly even worse things that she wasn't willing to tell me. So I got her a glass of wine.
So I'm sitting at my desk in the living room, and she's sitting on the couch, and I'm asking her all these questions. "What kind of car was he driving; what did he look like; what all did he take that belonged to you," etc. And as she's answering, it becomes very clear that she's completely high. Utterly fucked up. She's looking off into space, not answering my questions, blurting random stuff out, can't control the volume of her voice, etc.
So I'm thinking to myself, "Shit. Now I have this woman, stoned off her ass, in my house. How do I get her out?"
Then she says, "Let me see your eyes." Before I can respond with, among other things, "What the hell?" she comes over to me, takes my glasses off, and then just stares into my eyes. At this point I noticed that her lips were all fucked up, either because she had herpes or because she was doing some heavy drugs. Red flag number two. I also noticed she had the peace symbol drawn on her arm in green marker. After a few seconds she just says, "nice," puts my glasses back on my face, and sits down again.
So I'm really freaked out, and I say, "Well, are you absolutely sure you don't want me to call the cops? I mean, he stole your stuff and dumped you out of his car, that's messed up." She doesn't want me to call the cops. Now she's laying down on my couch, and she asks for a blanket. So I give her one. Almost as soon as I give her the blanket she goes, "Do you smoke?" I don't. She says, "Okay, I'm gonna go outside and look for a cigarette or an ashtray or something, I'll be right back." She jumps off the couch, puts on my sandals (!!!), and walks out the door with my blanket and sandals.
At this point, I could say to myself, "Okay. She's got a blanket and some sandals. Lock the door and cut your losses at a blanket and sandals, before she comes back inside." However, this blanket belonged to my grandfather and it has a lot of sentimental value to me. And I really liked those sandals. So I'm hesitant to do that.
A few minutes after she goes outside she knocks on the door again, and I let her in. She couldn't find any half smoked cigarettes in my driveway, turns out. So she lays back down on my couch, and I say, "Okay, well. You can lay here for a few minutes and get warm, but I really need to go to bed, so you need to go in a few minutes."
Her response is, "Can we watch a movie?" Keep in mind, she's totally fucked up. I'm like, "No, we can't do that. You need to go soon." She pleads, "Can we just watch like ten minutes of a movie? Ten minutes of a movie and then I'll go." This is the first time she's mentioned leaving, so I'm like, okay. I'll do this, and we'll see if she leaves after ten minutes. I put in a movie (Spaceballs, if anyone's curious), and we watch it. Well, she watches it and I stare at her, while taking mental inventory of everything in my living room.
Ten minutes goes by and I say, "Okay, time to go." She says, "Noooooooooo, I'm not warm yet. Can you rub my feet?"
My response was, I think verbatim, "I'm absolutely not doing that." She whines and pleads and I refuse some more. So then she says, "Just come sit next to me on the couch." Again, I adamantly refuse. At this point she's rolling around on the couch on her back, with her arms flailing around, kind of like a stoned out cat. And I'm just watching her in disbelief, trying to figure out how to get her out of my house.
Because here's the thing: I can't call the cops in front of her. She's already reacted really strongly against my suggestion to call the cops, and that was when it was for her benefit, not to forcefully evict her from my warm couch. If I started talking to the police with her in front of me, it could get bad. I don't know how she'd react. Similarly, I can't excuse myself to another room to do it, because she might steal everything in my living room. I can't lock her in a room in my house, because how the hell am I supposed to do that? So really, I'm just kind of stuck unless I can somehow talk her into leaving or force her to leave. But again, I don't want to touch her unless I'm forced to do it. That seems like a bad idea.
It's worth mentioning that as she's rolling around on my couch, talking about her kids in Arizona, or the dude who she was making out with who stole her keys, and how some people call her Dreamchild (no shit), she blurts out, "Oh my god, I'm cumming." I honestly didn't know how to react to that. Because I was nervously staring at her this entire time, I don't think she was masturbating, but I can't be sure.
So after a while of this going on, she says, "Hey, can I take a bath?" My immediate reaction was to say no, but I thought about it for a minute. Really, the safest place to put this person is the bathroom. The most valuable thing in there is a $15 bottle of Clinique face wash, there's nothing in there that she can break or ruin, because it's all porcelain or tile, and most importantly I can hold the door closed and call the cops if I really have to do that. So after a minute of thinking and running through this logic in my head, I say, "Actually, yeah. Take a bath." So I get her a towel and she goes into the bathroom. At this point it's about 2:30. I tell her that she can be in the bath and in my house until 3:00, but at 3:00, she has to leave. She agrees. It's also worth mentioning that when she got up, her pants were unbuttoned and unzipped; so she actually may have been masturbating on my couch.
As soon as the door's closed I run over to my computer, where SG Chat is open, I tell everyone the situation, and ask what to do. Most people tell me to call the cops, but this is in addition to everyone telling me to turn my webcam on, which I eventually do. From this point on, there are witnesses.
And here's the thing about calling the cops. This woman does not strike me as menacing or threatening. I really do think she got dumped out of a car by a stranger whom she was making out with, and she was cold in the night with no jacket or shoes. If she was sober, this would be a relatively boring affair. She'd come in, I'd give her a blanket and call the cops for her, and they would come and deal with this. Because she's stoned the whole thing is a lot weirder, but that doesn't change the fact that a really crappy thing happened to this woman, who didn't deserve it. If I do call the cops, they're almost certainly going to take her to jail for being so fucked up. And honestly, I don't want to do that to her. I don't happen to like drugs, but I don't care if people do them. I don't want to land this woman in legal trouble because she had faith in people and knocked on my door, even if it is freaking me out and massively inconveniencing me.
So at this point, I decide I'm not going to call the cops. I'm going to be forceful with my language and really stress that she needs to leave. That's my plan.
I knock on the door at like 2:55, and tell her it's time to go. Before she comes back into the living room, I prop my iPhone up against a bowl on my desk with the camera facing the room, and turn on the camcorder. So I have video of the thing from this point forward.
She comes out of the bathroom in the towel and sits back down on the couch. She asks if I have a bathrobe or something. I don't, but after a few minutes I find an old sweatshirt that she can wear. She puts it on and sits on the couch some more. I'm like, "Okay, you gotta go." She says, "Can I just stay until 4:20, because that's like the perfect time! Or I could sleep here overnight!" I say, "Absolutely not, you said you'd leave at 3:00, you need to go." It becomes clear pretty quickly that she doesn't intend on leaving.
So at this point I start to get a little pissed off. Up until now I've been very calm, kind, patient, and forgiving. This is like the third time she said she'd leave and she didn't. So now instead of suggesting that she leave, I'm like, "Okay, you need to leave right now. Right fucking now." She gets pissed at me being pissed and starts to say things like, "I'm not leaving," or worse, "I'll burn this whole fucking house down," to which I reply that, that kind of language makes me want to call the cops. Calling the cops seems to phase her a little bit.
We have this back and forth for like 20 minutes. It's hard because sometimes she just becomes unresponsive, and goes back into rolling around on the couch, mumbling random shit, or looking up at the ceiling like it's a kaleidoscope or something.
After about 20 minutes I say, "Okay, listen. You said you'd leave at 3:00, and you didn't. It's now like 3:30. I'm done. You need to get dressed and get out of my house, or I'm calling the cops." She again responds with, "No, I'm not leaving. You need to rub my feet." I say, "I'm not rubbing your feet." She asks me to sit next to her. I won't. She says she's really horny. I don't respond, because I don't want to go anywhere near that topic with this disgusting woman (who, by the way, would have been very attractive ten years ago and before she started doing drugs). She keeps patting the couch next to her and pleading for me to sit with her, which I won't do. This makes her upset, and she says, "I'm not leaving until you sit here with me and rub my feet!"
At this point I grab my phone, turn the video off (bummer), dial 911, and hold the screen up to her so she can see. It's a very similar motion to someone holding a cross out at a vampire, and it actually has a similar effect. She's like, "oh my god, okay, okay, I'm going!" She sits up. I'm saying things like, "I need to see progress! Let's fucking go!" Very slowly and painstakingly she manages to stand up, and then she says, "Can I just please have a hug?" I'm like, "Fucking no. Get your shit and get out!" I'm brandishing the phone this whole time like it's a weapon, and that's the effect that it's having, which is massively amusing to me even at the time.
So she says, "I'm not leaving until I get a hug. I just want to cuddle." So I hit dial on 911, and show her that the phone is calling. She's like, "Noooo! Arrrrgh!" and she lunges at the phone. I hit cancel on 911, because I didn't intend to call it, just scare her. And because it's a $400 iPhone 3GS, I clutch it with all my might while shoving her away with my other hand. This seems to excite her, and she turns around so her ass is facing me, and tries to sit in my lap. I shove her to the ground, dial 911 again, and go, "I'm calling the fucking cops if you aren't out of my house in like 30 seconds." Still pointing the phone at her like a cross. This time the seriousness of the situation seems to sink in, she puts her pants on, and after about 5 minutes of me forcing her towards the door with my phone, I finally managed to get her outside. I slammed the door, deadbolted it, locked it, and turned off the porch light.
When I came back to the living room, I saw her panties on the floor. She had left without putting them on. I showed everyone in SG chat by holding the panties with a stainless steel mechanical pencil, like it was a gun at a crime scene, then proceeded to turn a baggie inside out to collect them for further demonstration (thanks, Rach).
Annnnnnnnnnnnd that's my story.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
So lesson learned right????? Being nice to crazy ppl only gets you into weird situations!
Queer.