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izabel

Mauritius

Member Since 2005

Followers 34 Following 32

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Wednesday Apr 13, 2005

Apr 13, 2005
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I look like a stoner (boy) in that profile picture. If you like it, and you know who you are, you're fuckin gay, dude. Partly., anyway Or you just like it caues it makes me look like some other chick you like who looks like a stoner dude. Who makes me feel gay cause I like her. We blond bitches rule.

The rest is just personal shit to get off my chest, keep track of. Read at your own risk of mental glaze-over.

I've been dreaming these prophesy dreams lately, can't explain it except that they don't feel surreal or even illuminating, they seem factual and to the point, "here's what's gonna happen", and in the dreams I'm just kinda nodding my head, taking notes, often being shown something or being prepared, and ofen it's about other people, not directly about myself, and when I wake up I feel I have to tell the person about it (I usually dont tell most people, just cause I don't like meddling in people's destinies, just in case this shit is true).

This morning, though, was directly about me, and it (the prophetic guiding force) was assertive and demanding. I was being tested physically in strange ways, and passed each test, and then something really outrageous happened, I defied the dream, I stopped listening to the directions and just stepped out of them. I was naked and laughing and I wasn't alone, which is fucking unreal, cause I usually end up alone in these dreams, but there were a couple of people -- unknown to me -- who were holding me on either side, so I was buoyant. And that force that had guided me before, it was behind me, useless, like I'd passed all future possibilities, or became the future so the prophecy could tell me nothing; I was living it. I know it sounds complicated, but it wasnt, it was really direct and clear.

I still feel it.

The reason this is important is that I used to be open and pretty crazy in my life, I'd do some adventurous things, but simultaneously this spirit of adventure made my instincts really keen to things about the world, esp, about other people, and when these instincts started to prove right in really sad and scary ways, I stopped enjoying my adventurousness, I really started to be afraid of it, I thought it was voodoo and made bad things happen, or at least drew out extremes and coincidences that I had no way of shaping, I could take no responsibility for even if I wanted to, so I started to shut off, detach, and since then I've been pretty sequestered. I mean, jail time is not a dreaded possibbility -- I pretty much know I could deal with it, cause it feels like my life.

So these dreams lately have been returning to me this sense of awareness, and maybe it's been coming back since my eyes got all fucked up, like this sixth sense is kicking in, or maybe it's because I don't care anymore if someone gets hurt or killed, even if they're close to me, even if it's me, because I know in my heart that if I COULD do something to stop it, today, I would -- I have that strength now, that I didn't when I was younger, or didn't believe I had when I was younger.

Or maybe I'm just slowly forgiving myself for being me. I don't know. Anyway, I'm trying to keep up with this feeling, this seeing, because I know it's trying to guide me. So anyway. If I seem erratic or confused to anyone, it's just me trying to do the manual gear shift in a vehicle that's been on autopilot for some hella long time. (Was that the right use of hella?)nullnull

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