I had been sitting on top of the world...
but my sailing trip this weekend turned into a metaphoric ship wreck.
It all started the day before, this past Saturday. L had gone out to Long Island with her ex-fiance to go to a party. I was totally cool with that but the problem was she got really drunk at this party... and she ain't suppose to get drunk because she's on some medications for depression and the interactions are very bad. When L drinks too much and takes her pills - she literally becomes somewhat schizoid. I don't mean that in an 'insulting' or 'making fun of ha ha' way.. her personality changes over to something else; a kinda scary person.
Anyway, after the party she went with ex and some other friends to a bar and got even drunker. Somehwere along the line she told ex about me - making him all upset....
the original plan was that we'd meet up in Brooklyn at a different party at around 10:00 pm... crash at hers, get up early and get out to the canals where our friends launch the sailboat. Instead she got in from the LI party at around 11:00 totally shit-faced. Meanwhile... I was back in Williamsburg, wondering what the fuck was going on as she hadn't returned my call from like 6:30; I felt like I needed to hang out with some people, so I rode my bike to a Bar on Lorimer and started yapping to Chuck, the bartender... Finally she called - and I could tell she was drunk... she wanted me to take a car service to her place. Now I love this girl, I'd do anything for her... so I slammed back my drink, threw some duckets at Chuck, hopped on my bike and sped off like Superbikeboy... first to my loft to drop off the bike - then I called the car service. I was about 3 blocks from her house in the car when she called me, and suggested I NOT come over... I was like, baby, I'm almost there... for christsakes, etc... but I was now getting a bit upset...
I got to her place.... and I'll always regret what followed... how I dealt with the situation. Basically, she had called me because she was afraid she wouldn't stop drinking... even though she had drank all day, as soon as she arrived home she purchased a 40oz bottle of budwieser - which, by the time arrived, was already half consumed.
All I needed to do was take the bottle, pour it down the sink, and lay there, holding her until we both would fall asleep. But me, evidently the perpetual asshole, tried to engage the drunken schizie L into a 'normal' conversation. I was trying to get her to explain to me 'what was going on'... but as I stated above - what was going on was obvious - she was crying out for help, she was crying out to have someone pour the beer down the sink, and she was crying out for me to just hold her... She told me 'I just need you to be here with me'... but stupid me just wouldn't listen to something so simple... I don't know what the fuck I wanted her to say but I'll never forget the sad/hurt/frustrated facial expression she had... she needed me so much just to understand her - but I couldn't - at least not until much later... Anyway it was a really bad depressing scene... then she was like 'fuck me fuck me' - and we took off our clothes... but it was not correct - it wasn't really 'L' saying that... it was the schizoid side.... we did not make love - and I ended up sleeping on the couch....
in the middle of the night - I heard her call out to me... she was freaking because I was not next to her in bed. I ran into the room and held her the rest of the night... in the morning we talked about what had happened and hugged and kissed and tried to fix things...
we went out on the sailboat... but she was so quiet all day... not even close to the normal affection she had previously shown me... L had been very affectionate... always kissing, hugging and touching me... its funny how one can take all that affection, not really 'for granted' (because I never did that) but you get use to it... you think its normal and will ALWAYS be like that... then suddenly its not... and you panic, your heart sinks...
anway, we took a long walk on the beach and she told me she was in a very bad medical type depression. That she just felt numb. She said she was ashamed and embarassed by the stuff she was putting me through with the drinking, etc. I apologized for not trying better to understand her... every time I see her 'sad/frustrated' expression in my mind I feel like crying...
anyway... we decided to just be friends for now... as she doesn't feel capable of being in the type of relationship we had going....
SO.... if I ever needed my SG buddies to help me deal... it is now....
but my sailing trip this weekend turned into a metaphoric ship wreck.
It all started the day before, this past Saturday. L had gone out to Long Island with her ex-fiance to go to a party. I was totally cool with that but the problem was she got really drunk at this party... and she ain't suppose to get drunk because she's on some medications for depression and the interactions are very bad. When L drinks too much and takes her pills - she literally becomes somewhat schizoid. I don't mean that in an 'insulting' or 'making fun of ha ha' way.. her personality changes over to something else; a kinda scary person.
Anyway, after the party she went with ex and some other friends to a bar and got even drunker. Somehwere along the line she told ex about me - making him all upset....
the original plan was that we'd meet up in Brooklyn at a different party at around 10:00 pm... crash at hers, get up early and get out to the canals where our friends launch the sailboat. Instead she got in from the LI party at around 11:00 totally shit-faced. Meanwhile... I was back in Williamsburg, wondering what the fuck was going on as she hadn't returned my call from like 6:30; I felt like I needed to hang out with some people, so I rode my bike to a Bar on Lorimer and started yapping to Chuck, the bartender... Finally she called - and I could tell she was drunk... she wanted me to take a car service to her place. Now I love this girl, I'd do anything for her... so I slammed back my drink, threw some duckets at Chuck, hopped on my bike and sped off like Superbikeboy... first to my loft to drop off the bike - then I called the car service. I was about 3 blocks from her house in the car when she called me, and suggested I NOT come over... I was like, baby, I'm almost there... for christsakes, etc... but I was now getting a bit upset...
I got to her place.... and I'll always regret what followed... how I dealt with the situation. Basically, she had called me because she was afraid she wouldn't stop drinking... even though she had drank all day, as soon as she arrived home she purchased a 40oz bottle of budwieser - which, by the time arrived, was already half consumed.
All I needed to do was take the bottle, pour it down the sink, and lay there, holding her until we both would fall asleep. But me, evidently the perpetual asshole, tried to engage the drunken schizie L into a 'normal' conversation. I was trying to get her to explain to me 'what was going on'... but as I stated above - what was going on was obvious - she was crying out for help, she was crying out to have someone pour the beer down the sink, and she was crying out for me to just hold her... She told me 'I just need you to be here with me'... but stupid me just wouldn't listen to something so simple... I don't know what the fuck I wanted her to say but I'll never forget the sad/hurt/frustrated facial expression she had... she needed me so much just to understand her - but I couldn't - at least not until much later... Anyway it was a really bad depressing scene... then she was like 'fuck me fuck me' - and we took off our clothes... but it was not correct - it wasn't really 'L' saying that... it was the schizoid side.... we did not make love - and I ended up sleeping on the couch....
in the middle of the night - I heard her call out to me... she was freaking because I was not next to her in bed. I ran into the room and held her the rest of the night... in the morning we talked about what had happened and hugged and kissed and tried to fix things...
we went out on the sailboat... but she was so quiet all day... not even close to the normal affection she had previously shown me... L had been very affectionate... always kissing, hugging and touching me... its funny how one can take all that affection, not really 'for granted' (because I never did that) but you get use to it... you think its normal and will ALWAYS be like that... then suddenly its not... and you panic, your heart sinks...
anway, we took a long walk on the beach and she told me she was in a very bad medical type depression. That she just felt numb. She said she was ashamed and embarassed by the stuff she was putting me through with the drinking, etc. I apologized for not trying better to understand her... every time I see her 'sad/frustrated' expression in my mind I feel like crying...
anyway... we decided to just be friends for now... as she doesn't feel capable of being in the type of relationship we had going....
SO.... if I ever needed my SG buddies to help me deal... it is now....
VIEW 24 of 24 COMMENTS
bunny:
Amazing advice from the SG community...it is remarkable! Silvernut gave some really solid advice, and I don't think I could do better. I want you to know that I hope that things start to go better for the both of you! Sending lots of positive vibes your way... 
october:
i'll be thinking of you...