Ok- well my life is a bit crazy...I'm partly happy and excited for a new chapter in my life....partly upset scared and worried I will not make it on my own...I am having trouble truly expressing myself in words lately. I'm not sure why. I will try my best to do so.
One thing I am really looking forward to is PRIMUS on SUNDAY at the GREEK in BERK. YAY
On friday... choleraflood's band Zamora is playing a show...that should be good.
I need to get out. I think I am bringing myself down a bit.
I have to keep reminding myself why this breakup will be so good for me. I mean, logically and rationally it is obvious. It is just not obvious in my little stupid head that is so used to being with somebody so wrong. BUT- I need to be alone. I need this. ----AND--- I also need to move. I also need a job. I also need to gt my weight an health under control. I need to develop close friendships. I need to get out more. I need to take better care of myself. i need to work on my self esteem.
I am very confused about that job that had led me on a while ago- they sent me an e-mail that gave me the idea that they wanted to hire me and then never called me. I am confused. BIG TIME.
So, I'm applying other places. I'm used to having a job- I'm used to being successful. I'm used to being the one who always does well. When I'm not on top of things it kills me- I have to accept the fact that I can't be. That is the way life goes.
And as for the break-up. I am hoping it sticks. I need something like this. I want a new, fresh life. I was 15 when I started going out with him
He never really wanted what I did. He can't give me what I need. I would rather be alone than be with someone who is going to be abusive and on top of that, someone who is going to have values that do not fit with mine. I do not need to be so desperate.
Why am i so scared?
I think the fact that I have never really been alone. The only time I was ever alone- I was heavily into meth. I want to be stronger this time. Kick THIS addiction in the ass. HIM.
I know I have serious problems to work through- and I have worked through serious problems in the past- but if i don't make it this time I will be seriously stressed out. I need this so much. I have been letting myself down. I promised myself from the time I was a kid that I would never let a man treat me that way and I am ashamed that i did.
I will not say I did not love him, because obviously in the beginning i did, and do to a certain extent. I have made big mistakes and done things wrong. I was a teenager and he was too. I have given him plenty of time and room to learn. I know and understand that in other circumstances it could've been different. I understand I wasn't perfect. But I- under no circumstances- should have to stay in relationship where a I am not happy.
bleh- rant
EDITED TO SAY: i never lived with him- i'ved lived alone or with polly or with other roommates for the past 5 years- NOT with him
One thing I am really looking forward to is PRIMUS on SUNDAY at the GREEK in BERK. YAY
On friday... choleraflood's band Zamora is playing a show...that should be good.
I need to get out. I think I am bringing myself down a bit.
I have to keep reminding myself why this breakup will be so good for me. I mean, logically and rationally it is obvious. It is just not obvious in my little stupid head that is so used to being with somebody so wrong. BUT- I need to be alone. I need this. ----AND--- I also need to move. I also need a job. I also need to gt my weight an health under control. I need to develop close friendships. I need to get out more. I need to take better care of myself. i need to work on my self esteem.
I am very confused about that job that had led me on a while ago- they sent me an e-mail that gave me the idea that they wanted to hire me and then never called me. I am confused. BIG TIME.
So, I'm applying other places. I'm used to having a job- I'm used to being successful. I'm used to being the one who always does well. When I'm not on top of things it kills me- I have to accept the fact that I can't be. That is the way life goes.
And as for the break-up. I am hoping it sticks. I need something like this. I want a new, fresh life. I was 15 when I started going out with him
He never really wanted what I did. He can't give me what I need. I would rather be alone than be with someone who is going to be abusive and on top of that, someone who is going to have values that do not fit with mine. I do not need to be so desperate.
Why am i so scared?
I think the fact that I have never really been alone. The only time I was ever alone- I was heavily into meth. I want to be stronger this time. Kick THIS addiction in the ass. HIM.
I know I have serious problems to work through- and I have worked through serious problems in the past- but if i don't make it this time I will be seriously stressed out. I need this so much. I have been letting myself down. I promised myself from the time I was a kid that I would never let a man treat me that way and I am ashamed that i did.
I will not say I did not love him, because obviously in the beginning i did, and do to a certain extent. I have made big mistakes and done things wrong. I was a teenager and he was too. I have given him plenty of time and room to learn. I know and understand that in other circumstances it could've been different. I understand I wasn't perfect. But I- under no circumstances- should have to stay in relationship where a I am not happy.
bleh- rant
EDITED TO SAY: i never lived with him- i'ved lived alone or with polly or with other roommates for the past 5 years- NOT with him
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
OK, and I am still working on many of the things you've mentioned - probably always will be.
I hope things will be better
You deserve it.
Don't worry, be happy and all that.