iscariotradio

A life in retrospect. I'm a living retrospective. A dying introspective.

Everything is not as it has been. It is good. It is bad. The beginning is coming to an end. Some have been lost. Others gained. The importance of oneself is questioned and reaffirmed.

I'm thinking.

Let's skip the whole dodgy overtone and get down to what's really there.
I am happy. I am optimistic. I'm losing people. People are losing me. But I can live with it. Another ex is pregnant. Scratch that. THE ex is pregnant. Oh how I've feared this day. It came with the sting of a nine tail across my spine. Along with the sting came a lot of realizations of where I am. And where I've been. The need to return to a body I once knew. A common subject with me. But this time, it's imperative that I go back. Back to those days when I could write things off in my mind. I was tenacious and I was romantic. I was happy pushing carts at Meijer and letting my mind wander into itself.

I've been avoiding the exploration of my mind for a while. And maybe it's time to put down the remote, the laptop, the phone. Turn on some Pumpkins and jot random notes on a pad of paper like the old days. There must be a lot built up in there. I'd really like to find out what it is. But I no longer have my space in the basement. My little cave down there was the outlet of my creative freedom. That room served as the callous for my world of unnecessary, yet oddly justifiable oddities.

Money is a problem. I love my new job and everything that comes along with it. But I need to get my license back and finish paying off my car in order to be effective for the company. And I sense that they're becoming impatient with me. But I'm determined to make this happen, to motivate myself, to stretch beyond my means... because it's been a very long time since I've exercised my will. I'd hate for it to get a cramp.

I want Tracy. For lack of a better explanation. I want her. I'll work for her love. I'll labor for the rest of my life if I have to. I don't care.

Notice I used the word 'want'. No more 'need'. For the first time in my life, I don't need a girlfriend. I want one. But in no way do I need one. It's a liberating feeling. The only people I need are myself and my very close friends.

I am happy. But in no way am I satisfied with myself. Which will soon be a distant memory. I just want to have a little fun.