ironmog

SO I've done this back to work thing for two weeks now. And I gotta say, still not a fan of that place.

I've found myself fretting and losing sleep because of it. Tossing and turning in the early morning hours before sitting up in a panic, thinking that soon I should get up and get ready to work. As I stare at the date and time I am so overwhelmingly relieved to find it is simply Saturday or Sunday and work is still a thing just over the horizon, lurking and waiting. This level of twisting gut wrenching fear can't be healthy, nor can the lack of any sort of restful sleep. If I don't get out of there soon I'm fairly certain what little mind I have left will be gone.

I am now on the path to school, I've called and talked to them, I've done the FAFSA thing, I've gotten letters in the mail and everything is moving along swiftly. Now I just need to find a part time job that I don't utterly loathe and I think everything will be okay.

I attended a wedding recently, and it was awesome! I haven't attended nearly as many weddings as I'd like, the number of funerals I've been to far outweighs them and I'd like to change that. Twitch (as he is fondly referred) and his wife (wow that is wild to be calling her his wife now!) looked awesome, quite grown up and all that. They even got me up there dancing and making a fool of myself, those two best be glad I love them! And I've got another friend getting married soon, wow must be the year for it. I'll admit all the wedding stuff makes me a bit .... odd. It really makes me reflect on how I've been alone this long and I'd like someone there again. I read a line somewhere that went: "I love being in love" and I can totally dig that statement. Don't know about this marriage thing though, ha!

Somewhat touching on that subject, ugh, my ex. I cannot escape her, nor can I seem to simply shake off her constant verbal abuse. Things I obviously do wrong, things I should have done differently. All according to her of course. But it breaks me down, makes me wonder and doubt myself. I can't stop her from getting inside my head and twisting my thoughts to darker paths than I'd prefer to tread. When, if ever, will I be free?

I also have the best friends in the world. And I miss and love them all when we're not hanging out. I really must make this barbeque happen this month, I need to see them all and surround myself with them.

Now if only I could also escape myself. I need to not be me sometimes. I loathe him.

-JC