ironmog

I can't make it stop hurting. No matter what I still think about her and I miss her.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I don't want to hurt anymore.

I feel like a nomad; no matter where I stop for a night I don't feel like I've landed.

I keep wandering. Aimless.

Home is where the heart is, and I have none left;...
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900 miles in 12 hours.

I think I was trying to outrun the pain.

I didn't. It followed me, and was just waiting to pounce once I got here.

I just started crying the minute I was alone and had a chance to realize I was here and no longer with her.

I didn't want to come back. I wanted to stay with her. But...
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A week. That was a surprisingly fast spiral downward.

This grand experiment is over.

Goodbye Heather. Goodbye Oklahoma.

I want to find somewhere dark, curl up, and just die.

I am so utterly defeated.

I belong nowhere, to no one.

My fear has become my reality.

-JC

I have made a mistake. At least this time around I caught on to it sooner.

There is little solace in that fact however. With my mistake I have set one person on a path from which she can not deviate. She is stuck.

And so, am I.

It wasn't supposed to feel like this; this whole utter feeling of loneliness was supposed to be...
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I am lost and adrift, wishing to spend my time in a dream world that does not truly exist. I dream and hope, wistfully sticking to ideals and fantasy. My world turns to motions and moving as if caught on a calm sea, wind tugging the sails.

Then reality, like a squall, rears its head. Boat dashed on the rocks, heart broken and sundered to...
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I woke up today. I have come to this place where once more faith and hope are my saviors. I descended into maddening depths and saw no way out. I cast about now, with the light of hope as my guide, trying to find my way through the darkness. The journey, I find, is quite difficult.

I woke up, not with that welcome euphoric bliss...
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Love, as it is, is an affliction on the soul. A necessary evil it might even seem. We cannot escape, we are told that God, should He in fact exist (as I believe He does) wants us to be happy and feel love. It is hard at times to believe that far. Hard to the point of impossibility it might seem. Love is not easy,...
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I miss her. Dreadfully so. But just knowing she loves me, she thinks about me and misses me just as much, the storm can be weathered just that much easier. I fell asleep thinking about her, and for the I-don't-know-how-many-days-in-a-row time I woke up thinking about her. I smiled at the morning and simply thought one word: "Dani".

I'm so in love its retarded.

She...
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I did it.

I put on my big boy pants today and manned up.

I let Ailia know the score. I love her, but I love Dani so much more. Dani is my best friend. And I love her with my everything.

I felt like a whole bucket of fuck because of it.

But it needed to be done. Now I'll just wait. Forever maybe....
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Oh finals week. Oh the world. OH someone please come along with some sort of insight into the future. I know it will be alright. I know things will work out. I have these faiths in the world. But good grief is it hard to hold to it lately. Hard to stare into the dark of the night and know the light of dawn is...
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