When I was a little girl, I used to go in the bathroom and swear. I would say a line of curse words softly and under my breath. It gave me a rush. Knowing that I was being a bad girl. The first time I said Bitch in front of my father his eyes turned as if he had been possed by a demon. It was the first time I heard my dad say Fuck. He yelled for the first time. I mean my dad is always talked loud but this time he yelled and it was the first time I realized how scary my perfect father could be.
As an adult, I look back at my father and think of all that he went through by the time he was my age. The lost of his first born son, a wife who suffer from mental illness, the misscarraiges, the small children who spoke out, the war, being away from home. The call that his father had died and asked for him in his dying breath and then the phone call that no man should recieve. Your wife is pregnant and has try to commit suicide. We don't know if we can save the baby or not. You need to come home. Yes, my mom try to kill herself when she was pregnant with me. She did not want another child and did not believe in abortion. Her depression over came her and she tried to kill herself. It was not the first time. My mother once laid down in the middle of the road, took a bottle of asprin - that is what she did. She wanted me to die. She wanted to die. All my life I felt that she did not have time for me. After finding out what she did I know now that I was not wanted. This haunted me for so many years, until Irish. He was the first to sucessfully help me break the ties completely. Maybe Mary did that herself with the phone call. "I wish I never had you. I wish you were dead." When I get scared and full of self doubt those words ring in my head so loud. I fear that my ear drums will burst out from the inside.
I was never good enough. I was not a good daughter and she even told my first husband she was very sorry that I was such a bad wife. I would never know how to cook or take care of a house. She never had time to teach me and never wanted to teach me. Everything I learned, I learned by watching others.
Ok.. I have rambled and my dryer went off.
B
As an adult, I look back at my father and think of all that he went through by the time he was my age. The lost of his first born son, a wife who suffer from mental illness, the misscarraiges, the small children who spoke out, the war, being away from home. The call that his father had died and asked for him in his dying breath and then the phone call that no man should recieve. Your wife is pregnant and has try to commit suicide. We don't know if we can save the baby or not. You need to come home. Yes, my mom try to kill herself when she was pregnant with me. She did not want another child and did not believe in abortion. Her depression over came her and she tried to kill herself. It was not the first time. My mother once laid down in the middle of the road, took a bottle of asprin - that is what she did. She wanted me to die. She wanted to die. All my life I felt that she did not have time for me. After finding out what she did I know now that I was not wanted. This haunted me for so many years, until Irish. He was the first to sucessfully help me break the ties completely. Maybe Mary did that herself with the phone call. "I wish I never had you. I wish you were dead." When I get scared and full of self doubt those words ring in my head so loud. I fear that my ear drums will burst out from the inside.
I was never good enough. I was not a good daughter and she even told my first husband she was very sorry that I was such a bad wife. I would never know how to cook or take care of a house. She never had time to teach me and never wanted to teach me. Everything I learned, I learned by watching others.
Ok.. I have rambled and my dryer went off.
B