Well SUNDAY is the one year anniversary of Matts (my fiance) death! I cant Believe it! It still hurts so much!! I took some strange comfort in thinking "this time last year we were..... (insert memory here)" Now after sunday theres no more this time last year. theres no more memories. After Sunday its just This time last year he was just gone. I feel like I bother people talking about it! Not alot understand and when I tell them he took his own life they dont understand that it wasnt what he wanted! Cause most think if they committed suicide they did it to themselves! But that day he wasnt himself because of the pills he took! UGGHHH!! Any way! I miss him and I wish he could see our little girl he would be so proud of her! I know hes looking over us and our Guardian Angel but GOD IM SOOOOO TIRED OF HEARING THAT! IT doesnt make me feel better! Yes I take comfort in knowing hes watching over us. But I would rather have him here in my arms than where I cant touch him, kiss him, make love to him, see him smile, hear his laugh, lookin into his eyes and have him Tell me I love you momma! I want him here! I want him to see his daughter grow up! WHen he found out I was pregnant what he couldnt wait for was to hear her say Daddy I love you! He never got to see her or hold her, KIss her! I will never understand why I had to b put through this! Ive always wanted what everyone wanted, I wanted to fall in love, get married, have kids, own a home and just be happy, have my family!! I was so close! I was so close to what I wanted! Then it was ripped away from me!
Our relationship was far from perfect but we loved each other! I always described matt like this "he was everything I ever wanted in a broken package" I know that sounds mean! But its not! He was everything I wanted in a man, sweet, romantic, caring, proud to be with me, HUGE sexual appitite, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, Loved to have fun, laugh, hang out with friends, Hard worker, the list goes on, But he was an alcoholic and he was bipolar without his medication! He knew he was an alcoholic and he would admit it, he wanted help it was just hard. He was the first person I have ever been with that took care of me! Yeah he didnt always have a job but that never mattered to me! He helped out by cleaning, cooking, being sweet and romantic to me! That was worth more to me than him having a job! He would run me bubble baths in candlelight and sit in the bathroom with me and talk to me! He was truely a beautiful person and I miss him terribly! I will never understand why he took himself from us! I have so many questions. The biggest one WHY??
I love him and will always long for him, a spot in my heart will always be empty! I see him everytime I look in my daughters eyes everytime I see her smile. I see so much of him in her!
and I do feel hes watching over us
I want to share his story and my story in hopes to help others and ease some of my pain! Matts mother committed suicide after his sister was raped and murdered. She didnt want to go on! Which crushed matt cause he felt like he wasnt enough for her to want to stay alive. She was his whole world and his best friend. IT crushed him! After she died...That was his first attempt at suicide! He hung himself in his backyard and his neighbor found him cut him down and he woke up in the hospital! It was just a spiral downward after that, Thats when he started drinking heavily. Then it was dui's and Drugs of all kinds! Then he started stealing from stores and then he got caught, ended up doing 4 years in prison! He had a terrible life but he was still such a good person! I met him about a month after he got out of prison hahahaha the funny thing was I HAD NO IDEA it was that soon since hed gotten out! I knew hed been to prison but didnt realize he got out in October and we got together in November. With all hed been through he was still so full of life he would give his right arm to help someone out! You couldnt help but love him! It was hard to hate him even when u really wanted to! But nothing was worth taking ur life NOTHING!!! We could have gotten through anything if wed just worked together. But taking those pills changed him! I miss him sooo damn much!
SUICIDE IS NEVER EVER EVER THE WAY!!! You may think that nobody would care if you were gone but you are so so wrong! Matt affected so many people when he took his life! He hurt and confused all the people that loved him and that was a lot more than I think even he knew! He touched so many lives and he didnt even realize it! On that day he hurt so many people! My roomate Daniel who was standing there when he hung himself! Me when I came outside and saw him hanging there and started screaming and collapsed! I am and probably will be forever haunted by his face! Everytime I think about happy memories I get flashes of him hanging in the tree, I cant get that to go away!
this one tears at my heart too
i still cant believe your gone! I love you so much baby! Thank you for giving me the chance to Love you and be loved by you. Thank u for giving me the greatest gift in this world. Irelynn Rose! Im so sorry u arent here to get to know her see her smile at you and call you daddy! that hurts my heart more than u will ever know! I loved the time we shared together! I have so of the greatest memories with you! I wish I had more but I will cherish the ones I do have! I love you with all my heart baby! RIP Matt! You are my soulmate I will never meet someone like you again!
RIP BABY
I miss this soooo very much, I could have kissed you forever.
Now if youve gotten this far mayb you will make it to the end and trust me its coming up cause im tired and need a nap! we use to go to karaoke every sunday! I loved it so much fun. Me and matt would go up and sing not together but he was soooo amazing at ROOSTER by Alice in chains! I was sooo hot cause he sounded so much like the actual singer, it always made me wet to hear him do it (haha hey im into honestly) The first time he did it for karaoke he was a HUGE HIT!! EVERYONE CHEERED AND YELLED FOR HIM!! I really thought I video taped it! Much to my sadness that wasnt the one I taped I taped another song that he sang! Its kinda heart breaking now cause of the strange turn of events and how it fits! I taped him singing "Only God Knows Why" by kid rock! I have wanted to post it up or put it on fb but I just couldnt do it too hard but seeing as its almost been a year I think I will honor his memory by posting his video! No I was drunk when i took it so its a little blair witch at times and i sing forgetting im recording so at times u will hear me too! LOL! enjoy it I know I do! well its not letting me upload it for some reason wont go past 1 % so I will have to figure that out and put it up later!
Thank you for reading this if you did and letting me get all this out! I will work on the video of him seeing so if you are interested check back later i will put a comment to let you know its up!! Love you all! I will leave u with this Video which sums it up pretty well
I will love you forever! Our hearts were meant to be together!!
Our relationship was far from perfect but we loved each other! I always described matt like this "he was everything I ever wanted in a broken package" I know that sounds mean! But its not! He was everything I wanted in a man, sweet, romantic, caring, proud to be with me, HUGE sexual appitite, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, Loved to have fun, laugh, hang out with friends, Hard worker, the list goes on, But he was an alcoholic and he was bipolar without his medication! He knew he was an alcoholic and he would admit it, he wanted help it was just hard. He was the first person I have ever been with that took care of me! Yeah he didnt always have a job but that never mattered to me! He helped out by cleaning, cooking, being sweet and romantic to me! That was worth more to me than him having a job! He would run me bubble baths in candlelight and sit in the bathroom with me and talk to me! He was truely a beautiful person and I miss him terribly! I will never understand why he took himself from us! I have so many questions. The biggest one WHY??
I love him and will always long for him, a spot in my heart will always be empty! I see him everytime I look in my daughters eyes everytime I see her smile. I see so much of him in her!
and I do feel hes watching over us
I want to share his story and my story in hopes to help others and ease some of my pain! Matts mother committed suicide after his sister was raped and murdered. She didnt want to go on! Which crushed matt cause he felt like he wasnt enough for her to want to stay alive. She was his whole world and his best friend. IT crushed him! After she died...That was his first attempt at suicide! He hung himself in his backyard and his neighbor found him cut him down and he woke up in the hospital! It was just a spiral downward after that, Thats when he started drinking heavily. Then it was dui's and Drugs of all kinds! Then he started stealing from stores and then he got caught, ended up doing 4 years in prison! He had a terrible life but he was still such a good person! I met him about a month after he got out of prison hahahaha the funny thing was I HAD NO IDEA it was that soon since hed gotten out! I knew hed been to prison but didnt realize he got out in October and we got together in November. With all hed been through he was still so full of life he would give his right arm to help someone out! You couldnt help but love him! It was hard to hate him even when u really wanted to! But nothing was worth taking ur life NOTHING!!! We could have gotten through anything if wed just worked together. But taking those pills changed him! I miss him sooo damn much!
SUICIDE IS NEVER EVER EVER THE WAY!!! You may think that nobody would care if you were gone but you are so so wrong! Matt affected so many people when he took his life! He hurt and confused all the people that loved him and that was a lot more than I think even he knew! He touched so many lives and he didnt even realize it! On that day he hurt so many people! My roomate Daniel who was standing there when he hung himself! Me when I came outside and saw him hanging there and started screaming and collapsed! I am and probably will be forever haunted by his face! Everytime I think about happy memories I get flashes of him hanging in the tree, I cant get that to go away!
this one tears at my heart too
i still cant believe your gone! I love you so much baby! Thank you for giving me the chance to Love you and be loved by you. Thank u for giving me the greatest gift in this world. Irelynn Rose! Im so sorry u arent here to get to know her see her smile at you and call you daddy! that hurts my heart more than u will ever know! I loved the time we shared together! I have so of the greatest memories with you! I wish I had more but I will cherish the ones I do have! I love you with all my heart baby! RIP Matt! You are my soulmate I will never meet someone like you again!
RIP BABY
I miss this soooo very much, I could have kissed you forever.
Now if youve gotten this far mayb you will make it to the end and trust me its coming up cause im tired and need a nap! we use to go to karaoke every sunday! I loved it so much fun. Me and matt would go up and sing not together but he was soooo amazing at ROOSTER by Alice in chains! I was sooo hot cause he sounded so much like the actual singer, it always made me wet to hear him do it (haha hey im into honestly) The first time he did it for karaoke he was a HUGE HIT!! EVERYONE CHEERED AND YELLED FOR HIM!! I really thought I video taped it! Much to my sadness that wasnt the one I taped I taped another song that he sang! Its kinda heart breaking now cause of the strange turn of events and how it fits! I taped him singing "Only God Knows Why" by kid rock! I have wanted to post it up or put it on fb but I just couldnt do it too hard but seeing as its almost been a year I think I will honor his memory by posting his video! No I was drunk when i took it so its a little blair witch at times and i sing forgetting im recording so at times u will hear me too! LOL! enjoy it I know I do! well its not letting me upload it for some reason wont go past 1 % so I will have to figure that out and put it up later!
Thank you for reading this if you did and letting me get all this out! I will work on the video of him seeing so if you are interested check back later i will put a comment to let you know its up!! Love you all! I will leave u with this Video which sums it up pretty well
I will love you forever! Our hearts were meant to be together!!
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
sandman3030:
*hugs* you will always have a part of him with you in your little girl.
deunan:
This is sad. 
Your baby had beautiful eyes.
Your baby had beautiful eyes.