irelandvixen

HEy people!! I seriously need to get on here and update more but having the baby is a lot of work. Although I am so lucky cause she is such a wonderful tempered baby. She doesnt cry a whole lot, shes happy alot, she sleeps thrugh the night. She just recently had an upper respitory infection and an ear infection. I would never have known she had an ear ache at all she didnt cry or even act like she didnt feel good. But I could hear the congestion in here chest and she got a fever. That was the only reason i even knew she was sick! i feel blessed about how great she is.Although I kinda feel like I deserve a break after all I have been through. I healed way faster from my c section than i ever thought I would. The body is an amazing thing. After I had the baby my doctor was really concerned about Post Partum Depression especially after all the stress I was under. For the first couple of weeks after I had her I knew my hormones were a mess cause I couldnt even say matts name or any of our memories without bursting into tears! IT was rough but I didnt have any of those I wanna throw my baby down a well kinda post partum. I can now talk about him and laugh about funny memories and talk about him but I still cry alot. I miss him more than I ever thought I could. I want him with us, I want to see him hold his daughter. WHen I got pregnant it was the most exciting and terrifying thing because things werent perfect with us but we knew that we loved each other. I knew he would make a great father but he had mad some bad decisions. I am having such a hard time with him being gone, i hear a song and cry, I look at our pics and cry, i just think of him and cry. I feel bad for Irelynn cause she will never know her daddy. That breaks my heart! He would have loved her so much. He would have rubbed it in how much she looked like him. When I got pregnant I truely thought I was gonna finally have what I have always wanted a FAMILY of my OWN. I really thought thats how it was going to be. He asked me to marry him but I didnt want to marry him while I was pregnant. I didnt want to get married just because i was pregnant. I wanted to marry him I really did I just wanted to wait till I had the baby. I keep hoping he knew that I did want to marry him at some point. I have a lot of regrets, I admitt I truely thought we would have a lifetime to figure out our relationship out. It was like one min he was there the next he was gone. I BEG you please dont take anything for granted you never know when it will all disappear. Id give anything to go back and do so many things differently, Dont me like me tell the ones you love that you love them, when you get mad about something really think about how important it is in the greand scheme of things and you may realize how trivial and small it really is! The day matt died we were mad at each other and we had fought which i am sure didnt help after he took those pills. The one thing I am glad for is that he appologized for fighting with me and kissed me what would be the last time I would ever kiss him and it was just a peck. I hate that we fought that day! I keep thinking if we werent fighting maybe things would be different but I know it was the pills that he took that made him do what he did! IT hurts my heart and I dont want anyone to go through what I have! The thing that hurts my heart is knowing that people out there will know what I am going through because someone they love will committ suicide too! I go to a support group for survivors of suicide and everytime we get a new person in the group it makes me sad cause I know someone else has committed suicide! Suicide is NEVER a way out! Matt thought that no one would care that he was gone but he hurt and distroyed so many lives doing what he did! So many people loved him and he didnt know it or didnt see it! If your feeling unloved or upset or think no one cares stop and think really think about the people around you and see how much they care. Talk to someone let them in let them help you especially if you are considering committing suicide! when I was a teen ager I tried to kill myself but luckily didnt succeed and i really thought everyone would be better off. Knowing what i know now I would have distroyed my family forever, especially for the person who found me dead1 I will NEVER forget the look on matts face as he hung there, Or the image of him hanging in the tree! IT will haunt me forever! Just please think about it! Dont make the people around you SUFFER! Like I have. I am going to start a youtube page where I will put up videos about what I have been through in the attempt to help me get through all this hurt and maybe I can Help someone else deal with there pain along the way! I need a way to get this pain out!!! So THis is gonna be my attempt to deal with my loss! I will let you guys know when i get that going if anyone wants to watch the videos or anything! Well Im gonna let you guys go and BRAVO for those who have acutally read all this rambling mess! LOL! Love you guys hope to be more active soon! Miss some of you LOTS!!!

Love-Ireland and Irelynn