I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for the fact that I waste my time looking at silly things on http://entensity.net/, and TheOnion....Along with The Huffington Post. I'm sorry my life has gotten busy and hectic and full of new and crazy experiences, of course to be divulged.
It's been a while since I've postd a blog for one very important reason: I felt like poop for a while. I was in an extremely negative place, and the boy that I had been seeing went back to his west coast roots. I'm pretty over it by now, but it's always hard to fully and completely cut someone out of your life when you care about them, especially after they meet the most important person in your life. As a single mom it can be hard when making the decision as to whether or not you should introduce the guy you're seeing to your child. For the most part there is little drama between her father and I, and I like to keep it that way.
I can't lie about it, I'm a party girl who likes to have fun and meet everyone and make everyone smile or laugh. That being said, I keep the drama where it is: on the street. I don't do drugs, and rarely ever drink from Monday to Friday. My home is my sanctuary, my drug free, alcohol free, drama free zone.
So when is that right time? When is it the right time to introduce your lover/friend to your child? I have made the decision that no matter the extenuating circumstances, I keep the men who have met my daughter in my life after we've broken up. They've become good friends of mine, and yes, it is sex free friendships....because we're all adult enough here to recognize the fact that once you bring sex into the "friendship" it is no longer just a friendship. No, sex with an ex should be left where it is: in the past.
Sorry, getting off topic.
Anyways, all this to say that the ex boy was a big ordeal for my girl. She adored him and was pretty close to him, and because of that I think it's important for him to hang out with her every now and then.
Kind of hard to do from Korea, though.
Anyways!
I've met a man...well, I met him three months ago. He isn't really my "type" but he is wonderful, and good to me. I can't really talk international development, foreign policy or foreign affairs with him, but he makes me laugh hysterically and lets me cry all I want, which lately I've been doing a lot of, but for reasons I'm not really wanting to pubicly admit to. He's great in bed, but I think we're very similiar in all the right ways. He's met my girl, and they adore each other, and I'm pretty sure he would do anything for, which is really sweet to see. As a single parent you want to find someone who will love and adore and worship your kid as much as you do, because if he doesn't then it won't work. I eventually would like more children, when I'm in a better place and financially stable ( I mean, realistically I would LOVE to have a baby right now, my girl would love to have a little brother or sister; she loves babies!) and when I'm with someone I'm absolutely sure I want to spend the rest of my life with after we've already been together a couple years.
But I want to know that that person won't love our children more than my child.
Just differently, if you understand what that means.
It's hard being 24 sometimes, looking at everyone else your age with such disdain because of their lack in basic principles disgusts you. It's hard when I feel like I've already lived a lifetime or two; being homeless, trying to pay my bills and my rent, trying to support myself the best way possible as everyone else parties and gets to be a normal teenager. You're a lucky person if you get the chance to really get to know me. I prefer my solitude, I prefer staying home, listening to a really good zeppelin album, and writing some good stories.
I may be a self proclaimed "party girl" but only in the sense that I'm a bit superficial when meeting new people, but that's okay. I don't indulge in promiscuous sex or illegal substances...actually, even legal substances scare the shit out of me. I believe in intelligence, self empowerment, and the drive to push yourself as hard as you possibly can. Who cares what they say?
My big problem right now that I'm having is with the girls who call me a slut, or tell me I'm ugly, or just want to be catty and rude for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Do you know what self esteem is? It's something that you should have regardless of what other people tell you.
I have to be honest. When I was a kid I was fucking butt ugly. I had braces and wore bright blue eyeshadow up to my eyebrows and dressed like a grunge rocker because all I did was listen to NOFX, rancid, Nirvana, Pearl Jam...I was socially awkward and to make it worse I have one arm, and finding your place in the world is difficult enough without adding a birth defect.
Regardless, I AM beautiful.
Not because I dress slutty when I go out, because that in no way whatsoever is beautiful....I literally dress like a street walker sometimes.
Not because I know how to do my makeup right, or because I have a slamming bod after popping out a kid, I'm beautiful because the people in my life are people that I give all of my love to. I'm beautiful because I'm compassionate, intelligent, funny, and sure, I'm not so hard on the eyes.
So why aren't you beautiful?
Do you think I'm going to steal your boyfriend?
Honey...I've been dating for 8 years. I despise it, loathe it with all my being, and treat dating as a disease to be treated. I mean, once I finally find the guy that I can really relax around and be myself with, it's different..but getting there is like..is like dealing with a yeast infection. Or getting a fucking brazilian wax. I mean, the finished product is fucking MINT but getting there is uncomfortable, awward and makes you feel like running to the nearest store and buying the hardest bottle of liquor there.. I know how difficult it is to find someone you can relax around, be yourself with, who can actually make you laugh, and give you an earth shattering orgasm. It's really fucking hard. So why on earth would a mature, stable young woman come after your man?
I mean, just because a chick is hot doesn't make her a man eater, although I have been called that before it's only due to my difficulty in letting someone in my life.
I will use this as an example:
I met, through my boyfriend, a beautiful, funny, sarcastic, seemingly intelligent young woman. I mean, I have a hetero crush on her. She's really hot.
But you know what?
I don't want to BE her. I'm a tad envious of her height. Long legs on a woman...sex.
Complete and utter sex to me.
But no, I don't want to be her, and I don't think she's MORE beautiful than me, but I think she's beautiful in a different way.
I'm sure as fuck not threatened by her, and not because I think no one wants to have sex with my man because I know there are a couple of cunts who do...I say it because I'm not insecure or intimidated. I know I'm attractive, and my man and I have made the conscious decision to be with each other and no one else. I'm not threatened because I'm sure of myself, and I would like to celebrate the fact that I can actually meet a cool, attractive female.
I say it because I know I got skilz...
I say it because I make him laugh, and I make him smile, and I know I can calm him down when he's pissy and angry.
So if a girl, who was in fact "ugly" by most standards as a teenager, who has one arm and a baby strapped to her hip can find confidence in herself, why can't you?
Why is every pretty girl so threatening?
Maybe you should look in the mirror and proclaim loudly and proudly, that you are in fact beautiful, and you don't need a single godamn person to tell you.
Perhaps if you are so jealous of someone else, you need to ask yourself why you yourself don't deserve to be happy, beautiful, or in love?
Everyone does, don't let Hollywood tell you you need to buy things or buy people to make you beautiful.
Perhaps I have vented too long on this subject, so moving on...
I have decided to shoot another, completely different set and resubmit to SG. Any tips on getting it bought would be greatly appreciated. I'm going to approach her in a couple months I guess, I just want to come up witha really good idea first and really think about it. I think my first set was kind of half assed on my part, I didn't know what I really wanted, the look I wanted, or the kind of theme I was going for. I was very poorly unorginized, and for this I fail. But Shazzy is an amazing photographer, I'm not dissing her skills, I just want to make sure my personality really comes out this time. I've got a popping kind of personality, and Take It Off was a bit subdued because I was a little nervous about doing my first set. What do I have to lose no? I've already done a set, it wasn't bought, so I just have to suck it up and move on.
I guess that's it for now, I just wanted to check in and let you guys know that I'm back in the community, for real, and I'm staying, hoping to become an SG soon!
Thanks for the love guys!!!
Dafina.
I'm sorry for the fact that I waste my time looking at silly things on http://entensity.net/, and TheOnion....Along with The Huffington Post. I'm sorry my life has gotten busy and hectic and full of new and crazy experiences, of course to be divulged.
It's been a while since I've postd a blog for one very important reason: I felt like poop for a while. I was in an extremely negative place, and the boy that I had been seeing went back to his west coast roots. I'm pretty over it by now, but it's always hard to fully and completely cut someone out of your life when you care about them, especially after they meet the most important person in your life. As a single mom it can be hard when making the decision as to whether or not you should introduce the guy you're seeing to your child. For the most part there is little drama between her father and I, and I like to keep it that way.
I can't lie about it, I'm a party girl who likes to have fun and meet everyone and make everyone smile or laugh. That being said, I keep the drama where it is: on the street. I don't do drugs, and rarely ever drink from Monday to Friday. My home is my sanctuary, my drug free, alcohol free, drama free zone.
So when is that right time? When is it the right time to introduce your lover/friend to your child? I have made the decision that no matter the extenuating circumstances, I keep the men who have met my daughter in my life after we've broken up. They've become good friends of mine, and yes, it is sex free friendships....because we're all adult enough here to recognize the fact that once you bring sex into the "friendship" it is no longer just a friendship. No, sex with an ex should be left where it is: in the past.
Sorry, getting off topic.
Anyways, all this to say that the ex boy was a big ordeal for my girl. She adored him and was pretty close to him, and because of that I think it's important for him to hang out with her every now and then.
Kind of hard to do from Korea, though.
Anyways!
I've met a man...well, I met him three months ago. He isn't really my "type" but he is wonderful, and good to me. I can't really talk international development, foreign policy or foreign affairs with him, but he makes me laugh hysterically and lets me cry all I want, which lately I've been doing a lot of, but for reasons I'm not really wanting to pubicly admit to. He's great in bed, but I think we're very similiar in all the right ways. He's met my girl, and they adore each other, and I'm pretty sure he would do anything for, which is really sweet to see. As a single parent you want to find someone who will love and adore and worship your kid as much as you do, because if he doesn't then it won't work. I eventually would like more children, when I'm in a better place and financially stable ( I mean, realistically I would LOVE to have a baby right now, my girl would love to have a little brother or sister; she loves babies!) and when I'm with someone I'm absolutely sure I want to spend the rest of my life with after we've already been together a couple years.
But I want to know that that person won't love our children more than my child.
Just differently, if you understand what that means.
It's hard being 24 sometimes, looking at everyone else your age with such disdain because of their lack in basic principles disgusts you. It's hard when I feel like I've already lived a lifetime or two; being homeless, trying to pay my bills and my rent, trying to support myself the best way possible as everyone else parties and gets to be a normal teenager. You're a lucky person if you get the chance to really get to know me. I prefer my solitude, I prefer staying home, listening to a really good zeppelin album, and writing some good stories.
I may be a self proclaimed "party girl" but only in the sense that I'm a bit superficial when meeting new people, but that's okay. I don't indulge in promiscuous sex or illegal substances...actually, even legal substances scare the shit out of me. I believe in intelligence, self empowerment, and the drive to push yourself as hard as you possibly can. Who cares what they say?
My big problem right now that I'm having is with the girls who call me a slut, or tell me I'm ugly, or just want to be catty and rude for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Do you know what self esteem is? It's something that you should have regardless of what other people tell you.
I have to be honest. When I was a kid I was fucking butt ugly. I had braces and wore bright blue eyeshadow up to my eyebrows and dressed like a grunge rocker because all I did was listen to NOFX, rancid, Nirvana, Pearl Jam...I was socially awkward and to make it worse I have one arm, and finding your place in the world is difficult enough without adding a birth defect.
Regardless, I AM beautiful.
Not because I dress slutty when I go out, because that in no way whatsoever is beautiful....I literally dress like a street walker sometimes.
Not because I know how to do my makeup right, or because I have a slamming bod after popping out a kid, I'm beautiful because the people in my life are people that I give all of my love to. I'm beautiful because I'm compassionate, intelligent, funny, and sure, I'm not so hard on the eyes.
So why aren't you beautiful?
Do you think I'm going to steal your boyfriend?
Honey...I've been dating for 8 years. I despise it, loathe it with all my being, and treat dating as a disease to be treated. I mean, once I finally find the guy that I can really relax around and be myself with, it's different..but getting there is like..is like dealing with a yeast infection. Or getting a fucking brazilian wax. I mean, the finished product is fucking MINT but getting there is uncomfortable, awward and makes you feel like running to the nearest store and buying the hardest bottle of liquor there.. I know how difficult it is to find someone you can relax around, be yourself with, who can actually make you laugh, and give you an earth shattering orgasm. It's really fucking hard. So why on earth would a mature, stable young woman come after your man?
I mean, just because a chick is hot doesn't make her a man eater, although I have been called that before it's only due to my difficulty in letting someone in my life.
I will use this as an example:
I met, through my boyfriend, a beautiful, funny, sarcastic, seemingly intelligent young woman. I mean, I have a hetero crush on her. She's really hot.
But you know what?
I don't want to BE her. I'm a tad envious of her height. Long legs on a woman...sex.
Complete and utter sex to me.
But no, I don't want to be her, and I don't think she's MORE beautiful than me, but I think she's beautiful in a different way.
I'm sure as fuck not threatened by her, and not because I think no one wants to have sex with my man because I know there are a couple of cunts who do...I say it because I'm not insecure or intimidated. I know I'm attractive, and my man and I have made the conscious decision to be with each other and no one else. I'm not threatened because I'm sure of myself, and I would like to celebrate the fact that I can actually meet a cool, attractive female.
I say it because I know I got skilz...
I say it because I make him laugh, and I make him smile, and I know I can calm him down when he's pissy and angry.
So if a girl, who was in fact "ugly" by most standards as a teenager, who has one arm and a baby strapped to her hip can find confidence in herself, why can't you?
Why is every pretty girl so threatening?
Maybe you should look in the mirror and proclaim loudly and proudly, that you are in fact beautiful, and you don't need a single godamn person to tell you.
Perhaps if you are so jealous of someone else, you need to ask yourself why you yourself don't deserve to be happy, beautiful, or in love?
Everyone does, don't let Hollywood tell you you need to buy things or buy people to make you beautiful.
Perhaps I have vented too long on this subject, so moving on...
I have decided to shoot another, completely different set and resubmit to SG. Any tips on getting it bought would be greatly appreciated. I'm going to approach her in a couple months I guess, I just want to come up witha really good idea first and really think about it. I think my first set was kind of half assed on my part, I didn't know what I really wanted, the look I wanted, or the kind of theme I was going for. I was very poorly unorginized, and for this I fail. But Shazzy is an amazing photographer, I'm not dissing her skills, I just want to make sure my personality really comes out this time. I've got a popping kind of personality, and Take It Off was a bit subdued because I was a little nervous about doing my first set. What do I have to lose no? I've already done a set, it wasn't bought, so I just have to suck it up and move on.
I guess that's it for now, I just wanted to check in and let you guys know that I'm back in the community, for real, and I'm staying, hoping to become an SG soon!
Thanks for the love guys!!!
Dafina.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
For as much strength and vulnerability you possess, you manage to keep them perfectly balanced...wondering which way you are looking to tip.