insomnia

Well...... I'm sitting here at work again. Oh ya good news I passed the Deputy Sheriff Trainee written examination! Now I have to go take the physical agility test on the 20th. I'll let you know how that goes.

I have been trying not to get into depth here. Mostly about what is going on in my life. I figure that noone really wants to read about stuff like that, but today I'm feeling very open. Even if it is not read, it felt better to just write it and get it out.

So here goes......................................

About a year ago I met the man of my dreams! I was so happy as was he. He was at my house constantly, even when I was at work! I loved going home and knowing he would be there when I drove up. I had been in a few previous relationships, the longest was two years. After the breakup from my last relatonship I took about a two year break. I only dated guys and got to know them without any commitments.

When I met this one I knew immediately that I could get serious with him, and that is just what we did! In the time that I was with him we had so much fun. We went rock climbing in big bear and camping all the time.

We also went fishing at the river. I was better at it though because I was a "pollish fisher" or at least that's what he said! We were in these little rafts that our feet stuck out the bottom with flippers on. and I would sneak up to the side of the lagoon and I could see the blue gill poking their heads out between the reeds so I would just drop my line down right in front of their faces and apparently they just couldn't resist because the little suckers took it every time even though I was only about two feet away from them. I felt kinda bad lookin the little guys in the eyes and them hooking em. I waited until i saw them grab the worm and then I jerked the line to hook them It worked everytime! Hence the name "polish fisherman" usually you don't watch the fish get hooked and all that good stuff. Well anyway sorry about that I got off the subject.

Anyways this is the guy that I want to be with for the rest of my life, the one that looks into my eyes and tells me that he loves me. The one that I thought about night and day, the one that told me he felt the same. He had been married previously and was divorced or so he thought! One day he looked into it because he had not gotten a final notice in the mail. He found out that his divorce was not final because she was trying to sue him for half of his house (even though he bought it before they were married and her name was not on it) or alimony. He was raised very religious and the fact that he was still married and with another girl was adultery to him.

He told me that he had to get this sorted out, he went to Florida to visit his brother who was having problems of his own, and assured me that he would be back. He said that if he was not back in two weeks then he would send me a plane ticket. He took a leave of absence from work ( he worked for running springs fire department) and he left for Florida. I waited and waited for a call from him. I waited for a call that to this day I never got! I got a letter in the mail two weeks after he left, it said stuff like "I don't know when or if I'm coming home" and "you were absolutely wonderful, my decision has nothing to do with you" and "I have no regrets" and "If you love something set it free and if it comes back it's yours forever".

So ya it said all kinds of bullshit like that you know general stuff. Nothing really in depth about reasons why he would not come back. I got this letter with no return address, no phone number, and no way to talk to him. I will never forget the way I felt the first time I read that letter, I couldn't breathe, I wanted to die, and I didn't know the reason for all of this. I feel deeply for any of you who have felt this way at some point and time in your life! Keep your head up and "hopefully" time will heal all. Anyway I went home and searched my phone bill for numbers he had called from my phone. I found his Aunts number and got his Mom's number through her. I called his Mom, (I was quite a mess if I might add) she was very helpfull. She helped me calm down a little bit, a very little bit, I would be upset for months to come! I told her please if you talk to (Adam) please ask him to call me! I waited still thinking he would call anyday now. I waited and waited and am still waiting.

I looked into trying to find him a couple months ago, I called 411 and got his number. I tried calling it several times without leaving a message. I thought that if I tried to talk nothing would come out but a cry. One day I finally got up the courage to leave a message and I gave him my cell number and asked him to please call me.......................no call. I just tried his number again the other day and a male voice answered the phone I said "hello" he said "hi" and then I said "do you know who this is" an he said "who is it" well it didn't really sound like him so I said "this is Kim, who is this?" and then I got hung up on!

It has been eight months since he left, and since I talked to him and for some reason I still hurt really bad. This has changed me in a lot of ways I am scared to let anyone close to me. I am scared of getting hurt again. And I'm also scared of hurting someone else the way that I have been hurt. I consider myself a strong independant person and I know I will get over it sooner or later! Perhaps the reason why it stays so fresh in my mind is because I never got any answers or any sort of closure.

I'm not sure I know who I am anymore, what I want, and how to get it and be happy. It's funny I was fine before I met him. I was single, I wasn't lonely and I was happy. It's funny how you feel after you get hurt, I now feel all the things I never was before him. I'm sorry that I am not exactly a whole person right now.

I'm also sorry that this reflects on people in my life at the moment, but that's the way it is! In time I will be ready to move on and hopefully I won't wonder anymore about the past. As of right now I just can't stop. I am not the kind of person that feels good taking comfort in someone elses arms. For me that only makes things worse! I can be physical but my emotions are just all fucked up right now.

There is a song That describes me well, it's called "Unlove Me" by Julie Roberts I have cried countless tears to this song and many others. Give it a listen if you get a spare moment. Sorry this entry was so long but like I said even if noone reads it it will feel better just to get it out! Hopefully for those of you who did read it it will help you understand me a little better!


Thanks so much!