inlikeflynn

"character is what you are in the dark"

I don't write enough in this journal. And when I say "enough," I don't mean "often," because I certainly do that. What I mean is that I used to have thoughts, sit down at the keyboard, and hash them through to their grisly end, regardless of where they ended up or what muddy, horrifying shit they disturbed.

I don't do that anymore.

I blame some of it on my crappy short-term memory. By way of illustration: I woke up yesterday morning with the lights all on, the tv looping the episode menu on a West Wing dvd, the radio blasting NPR, and my shoes on backwards. I still don't remember what happened the night before, except to say that I didn't have anything to drink. The last thing I remember is telling Heather I was going out to find something to do. I don't think I ever made it past my pants...

anyway, I also lay some blame on my desire for attention, and what I think is a projected fear that people won't want to read anything I write unless it's short and to the point. Like sound bites are the only things that I think anyone would be interested in. I watch for comments. I use them like a chalkmark on the wall to guage my worth. I want to be popular. I want to be quoted. I can't help it and I don't want to deny it. I want to end up in a coffee table book, dashed and italicized under the heading "witticism for everyday life." My thoughts are one-liners, which is why I'm uncomfortable writing crunch-time papers during class, and why I may never succeed at writing anything professionally if it's longer than short story or non-fiction essay.

so, I'll probably be phasing some of that in in the near future. random stuff, I mean. musings. I need to exercise the journaling skizzles. that's all.