http://nipa1980.blogspot.com.au/2012/04/angry-buddhist.html
i don't feel very buddhist right now.. i feel i write this blog.. often talking about buddhism.. or ways to make a positive difference to people.... yet i'm not being a good buddhist in myself.. i've made some very non-buddhist choices which i won't allude to again.. and as i've stated a few times.. have more than felt the karmic effects of those decisions...
and this is where it really starts to fall apart...
because as much as i fight it.. i feel incredibly angry at the above.. angry.. let down and most of all very very hurt...
i can accept karma.. i'd even go as far as saying i embrace karma.. for its the consequences of our actions that give us our greatest lessons in life.. but i struggle to accept the behaviour of others when they deliberately sacrifice people.. only to protect themselves.. and the lies they've spun to do so...
i've seen this happen to a few people in my life.. some of whom i'm close to.. others from the sidelines.. and i wonder if those pulling the strings.. hurting others to meet their own agenda.. really fully understand the destruction they are causing.. in every area of that persons life...
i've seen someone near destroyed by a once 'loved ones' accusations.. and for so long felt so much hatred for the person behind it.. and while i gave up that hatred many years ago.. i fear i'm again being spoilt by the anger that people continue to do this to each other.. and that i'm stupid enough to let someone capable of that in...
so thats the problem.. i'm angry.. and while i'm not doubting my buddhist beliefs.. i am doubting just how buddhist i am right now.. so this weekend.. i'm going to the temple.. for the first time in many months.. and i'm going to remind myself of the solace.. strength.. and goodness i find in buddhism...
because there is absolutely no way that the anger.. and hurt.. i feel right now.. is ever going to consume me.. or cause me to become the very person i've been accused of being.. and more importantly.. the person i'm not.. and never have been...
and maybe thats what makes me buddhist after all...
i don't feel very buddhist right now.. i feel i write this blog.. often talking about buddhism.. or ways to make a positive difference to people.... yet i'm not being a good buddhist in myself.. i've made some very non-buddhist choices which i won't allude to again.. and as i've stated a few times.. have more than felt the karmic effects of those decisions...
and this is where it really starts to fall apart...
because as much as i fight it.. i feel incredibly angry at the above.. angry.. let down and most of all very very hurt...
i can accept karma.. i'd even go as far as saying i embrace karma.. for its the consequences of our actions that give us our greatest lessons in life.. but i struggle to accept the behaviour of others when they deliberately sacrifice people.. only to protect themselves.. and the lies they've spun to do so...
i've seen this happen to a few people in my life.. some of whom i'm close to.. others from the sidelines.. and i wonder if those pulling the strings.. hurting others to meet their own agenda.. really fully understand the destruction they are causing.. in every area of that persons life...
i've seen someone near destroyed by a once 'loved ones' accusations.. and for so long felt so much hatred for the person behind it.. and while i gave up that hatred many years ago.. i fear i'm again being spoilt by the anger that people continue to do this to each other.. and that i'm stupid enough to let someone capable of that in...
so thats the problem.. i'm angry.. and while i'm not doubting my buddhist beliefs.. i am doubting just how buddhist i am right now.. so this weekend.. i'm going to the temple.. for the first time in many months.. and i'm going to remind myself of the solace.. strength.. and goodness i find in buddhism...
because there is absolutely no way that the anger.. and hurt.. i feel right now.. is ever going to consume me.. or cause me to become the very person i've been accused of being.. and more importantly.. the person i'm not.. and never have been...
and maybe thats what makes me buddhist after all...