You may watch the Prestige and not entirely get it the first time so you can keep it as long as you wish for a repeat viewing. I think you will understand enough of it to enjoy it. One of the things I realised when I watched the film for a second time, and which probably led to my outburst the other night, was that Borden and I share similar qualities. I have not loved Lucy since the first six months of us being together, but it was long enough that she should fall in love with, or at least come to depend on me. Borden's life becomes an act that he must live twenty-four hours a day and seven days a week. It may be that the consequences I foresee if I was to leave Lucy would never happen, but the mere threat of them is enough to keep me with her. In the meantime, my mind is elsewhere, with someone else. It makes the deception even harder to accomplish day in day out and recently I haven't been able to maintain it. But then the threat of something terrible forces me to dust myself down and rearrange my disguise. In the film both men pay a price for their rivalry, though I think Borden pays the higher. I know that it seems strange that I don't come out with every one or do anything, but its for the best. To keep control and find some level of happiness, I have to dedicate everything to Lucy. It has to be total immersion. Its hard enough at the moment that my mind, and I can feel my heart going too, is with someone else. Its hard to be in two places at once (metaphorically). This person that has seeped inside is losing respect for me by the day, but the more it happens the more I want to be with them. I never will be, of course, and that makes it harder. I torture myself imagining that I could turn the clock back to some arbitrary point in my life. But, honestly, would I just make the same mistakes again? I think so. I believe with all my heart, and despite my experience, still do, that when you give yourself to someone, you give everything. There are side effects. There is no protection from pain, and it perhaps heightens the expectations of the person you give to. You can't give everything all the time, though I always strive to. I just don't want to be punished if I fail. Sometimes I would like the attempt to be enough. I want to be happy. I wish I could be happy. I wish someone could make me happy without asking for anything in return. This is my future -survival. I'm really, really scared.
