I'm in really rough shape. My memory is getting worse. I can't even remember the beginning of a conversation. I barely remember the beginning of the day. I remember like 1% of yesterday, but absolutely nothing of anything 2 days and before. I have no sense of time. I was on 1 med that caused it in VERY HIGH dose for a month and on the other med that caused it for almost a month. I stopped the first med a a month ago and the second supposedly a week ago according to my dad. And the pain in my head..sharp sharp stabs. I don't know if it's me trying to remember or what but good fuck it hurts.
I was at work yesterday and my boss was asking how long this part would take I kept telling him I need to rewatch it, but he needed a quote now. I said 7 hours and he was really displeased. It ended taking 20 mins. I told him as I left the day before I had amnesia. So yesterday we just spent the last stretch of work going everything. I didn't tell him it was a bipolar med, said a blood pressure med instead. His partner is a neuro doctor of some sort so he was really understanding. I told him I don't remember anything of these past however many months. I told him I don't remember the video he wants me to emulate. I literally remember nothing. So he was really understanding. We talked about the amnesia, the stress, the lack of sleep, we also talked about my pseudo-seizures(I used to get grand Mal seizures from stress) and we talked about my kidney disease which he knew about earlier. So he said that if I needed to take winter break off to rest that I should. I said I (direct quote) “didn't want to cop out of work by just resting”, and he said “listen, no way in hell that is a cop out, trust me it's okay”. So I'm really happy he gets it.
My other job as a tutor for web programming ended up being awful with all this medical stuff. I looked at code and couldn't even read it. I was literally utterly fucking useless. I just ended up taking 2 days off.
My memory is getting worse and the stress from it is worse and I'm crying a lot. I use the blanket term “medical issues” so much, and I figured out with my therapist why: If I really go deep into it explaining these past 2 years it makes it so real. A broken gallbladder for 7 months, shingles, c-diff(diarrhea after anything you eat for a month), bipolar meds, acid reflex having heart attack symptoms, inflamed cartilage in my sternum mimicking heart attack symptoms gout, high blood pressure(25 points higher than moderately high) kidney disease, this amnesia shit. I get really emotional listing it out because I need people to realize I'm not okay and I just keep getting worse. It'd be one thing if it was actual sickness like HIV immune system, but it's not. It's obscure physical issues that leave doctor's utterly stumped and baffled. And I don't really get depressed over it. I'm functioning at a high level and doing well at school and work. I'm not suicidal over it ever, but this latest issue is really affecting me. And I just keep moving along and staying strong until the next issue. I've been sick with bizarrely obscure medical issues for 2 ½ years. I'm not okay and it's finally hitting home.
On the kidney front the doctor said I have 10-20 years before things get insurmountably worse. I'll be barely middle aged and my kidneys will fail. So I try not thinking about it, just to really enjoy the non-failing-kidney-life for now. Like I switched into computer science and I'm really excited for it! But I hope this amnesia and cognitive impairment goes away before school starts because I'm taking high level computational thinking skills.
I've got a month off and I think that I'm self aware of all this means it's definitely wearing off instead of still being in a foggy amnesia auto-pilot. I don't know what to do to make this go away faster, but I'm just trying not to cry too much (really hard to try hard not to cry and you can't hold back tears)
I don't remember anything and can't describe people or places. It feels like it's getting worse because I don't even remember the beginning of a conversation. Therapy is hard to follow, and it's all super hard. I'm really worried this will still be here when school starts in a month. I'm losing a lot of strength and resiliency I once had, and I'm crying a lot. Friends don't really want to deal with me, which sucks. I mean it's always been like that. I tell them my kidneys are steadily failing in August and haven't seen them since that appointment. So yeah not much social support. Oh and my family support is non-existent other than my dad. My sisters don't even bother calling or texting through these two and a half years of medical hell. My step-siblings haven't talked to me literally ever. My step-mom barely talks to me. So things are really hard from a social support system. I have my therapist and other doctors and really that's it. Fuck that feels so depressing and awful to say but it really is true. It sucks, really sucks. But there's not much I can do to persuade them to come visit me to grab coffee or lunch.
I have SG kind of, I don't hear much from friends directly, no PMs at all. But it's good to feel like I'm part of people's lives by reading their blogs. I haven't given up on going forward but it's definitely harder than anything I've dealt with before compounded with realizing all the medical shit these past 2 ½ years have been.
Just try to relax is what everyone tells me. But when I'm quiet and unstructured all of this gets so real. I'm swallowed by all of it, and no one to help support me. Just try not to think and keep busy, ignoring distractions are what I need. Soon I'll just snap out of it like every other issue. Until that time I hope I won't cry as much. I never cry even through all of these issues I haven't cried. But losing you short term memory in the shortest of terms is so hard. If I see a person who changed their hair or facial hair I end up in pain and crying because I can't remember what the old them looked like even though it's only been a week since I've seen them. But I can't remember what anyone looks like anyway as in I can't describe them, so yeah it's a downward spiral.
I guess I'll end this here, wonder if anyone will respond or care knowing how it's been.