Practically stripped my shirt off to show my tattoos to some girl. Haha I’m glad I’m back. Getting a half sleeve November 1. Thought of another tattoo idea.
I’m actually getting a lot more attention with my mohawk. Getting cat called by a girl in a car. Get asked about my tattoos more often. Girls are surprisingly more approachable to me in asking for help with school. I thought I’d scare them off with it but a lot of people are approaching me more even with this haircut. I’m glad I have it.
I’m torn between tattoos or motorcycles. I want both. But really the season for riding is almost over and I have no money. but I figured out I make 10/hour at my new job instead of minimum wage like I thought so I’m not bound to minimum wage pay but more than that I have recognition of my skills to not be a min wage worker. So I guess after these two tattoos I’ll start saving up for a bike.
I’m feeling oddly lonely. Friends don’t hang out with me or respond to texts. I’m eyeing girls more often for being a girlfriend. But I don’t even know the girl so I don’t even know what she’s like or if she’s dating material. I’m really only good at intimate talks and laughter, so if I took a girl out for coffee I don’t even think I’d have much to say.
Lately I’ve been thinking in steps needed to achieve things. Offer my help with computer course, get numbers maybe make a friend. I don’t know why every new term I think “this is it, I’m going to have a killer social life, find a girlfriend, really change myself”. It never really works out that way. And the stuff I’m interested in no one really is. If I had a bike I could make a bunch of new motorcycle friends, but it won’t be for a while. I feel stuck and alone.
I don’t know what I want with my remaining time here. I’ve always looked at it as a place to get a degree and that’s it. I guess it hasn’t been just that. I’ve grown up a lot, but not to the level I want. I think the best thing I’ve done here is I’ve become properly medicated (physical health and mental). I have good doctor’s here. I’m pretty medically fucked, and I feel super old with this broken body. I started a med today that makes me feel limber (I feel older just using that term).
I guess I’m used to chaos and recovering from it. Being somewhat stable has freed up my mind to other things. Unfortunately it’s leading to depressing thoughts. I just want a change. If anything I want someone to validate what I have to offer in friendship and romance. I know it sounds co-dependent but I’m feeling really alone.
I don’t really know what to do about being so lonely. I don’t know if I want to find academic groups or do bipolar support group. I don’t know who to go to, or even what I have to offer once all the chaos settles.
I don’t really know how to end this blog, but I’m glad I’m back with some familiar community with SG.
