Attracted to someone for their intellect. My friend said that to me. That made me think. There’s two ways I want to expand on this.
Attraction to intellect versus physical attraction. There are a few points about this. I don’t know which one to put first, but I think explaining my situation in the aftermath of physical attraction ends up. This doesn’t have to do with being self-conscious about my anatomical state. It’s about what comes out of having the condition I have. I last too long during sex. I go soft from head. The girl gets too sore and needs to stop. So sex is very weird for me. It honestly makes me worry that a girl will feel so worthless and inadequate that I go soft from head. I don’t enjoy it, and would much rather give the girl pleasure than getting it. Even during sex, not just oral, my entire goal is to make the girl feel good. I can pace in addition to my natural stamina, but bottom line is sex isn’t for my own pleasure. It’s for the girl.
But I just don’t get sex. I don’t understand why to express love and attraction is through sex. There’s so many other ways to express love and attraction. There’s love of companionship, loving the little quirks of a person, loving seeing them doing their passions, loving their motivations, loving them talk of their values, loving their intellect is a way to put it.
But it isn’t just about intellect and the connotation that comes from the word intellect. It’s about loving who they are as a person. Loving their passions, loving their drive, loving all the hardships they have overcome, loving their willingness to not succumb to weakness, loving improving their strengths, loving the ways they’ve touched people, loving everything about them. And there are different types of love: friendship, romantic, and family. I feel that love gets thought of mostly romantic. But it hurts the message I try to say. I love them for their soul. That inner being that shines bright when happy, and hides when hurt. I see people’s souls.
It has a lot of connection to my views of energy. But ultimately seeing energy is seeing the color and life of the soul. I see it in color, in waveform, in excitement, in interactions through people, and the way to grows and spreads with love. My goal is to make the existence of energy aware to that person. So they can feel what I see and own their energy. I want them to be as happy with their energy as I am watching it. Through talking and a deep breathing exercise they become momentarily aware of it. Also through it they lose all expectation of what they experience. They are seeing life pure. They freak out because it is so raw and unbridled.
Sharing energy with acknowledgement of its existence is very intimate. But I hope that intimacy does not make them feel like I am attracted to them for romance or sex. It is sharing the beautiful radiance of it all. The only thing I expect out of it is friendship.
But I can see past outer shields. I see past their defenses and mannerisms to who they are as a person. Seeing the mental thought processes of behavior makes them feel awkward. After the hours of talking and feeling energy, they feel naked. I tell them how I think their energy and soul can grow, and they always wanted acknowledgement. Yet when we return to the non-introspective world, they return to the behavior that makes them feel caged in. I see the part of them they want to show, but that part is intimate. Just as intimate as I am when we talk of energy and loving someone for their person and their soul.
I have two very different parts to who I am as a person. One is loud and high energy; the other is a quiet gentle soul longing for connection. Unfortunately I always show the loud side. But I can’t deny that part of me. But the other part is yearning so badly to be heard. But that part is very intimate. And that intimacy doesn’t mean I have to date a girl. It doesn’t mean I even want to kiss her. I just want to share my soul. There is a big part which goes unheard, and I feel so sad that the stigma of male-female relationships exist.
I don’t know you. I may find you physically attracting but that really means nothing. I don’t know you, how in the hell would I have thoughts of dating or sleeping with you?! But that’s what society has been brought up on. Any remote interest in a girl from a guy and you either want to date or sleep with her. That is so opposite and far away from who I am.
But I crave that intimacy of sharing energy and each other’s souls. So how do I go about interacting with a girl in that way if she thinks I want to sleep/date her? It’s hard. Because the introspective person I am when I write is far different than my daily loud self. And it turns people off. But focusing on being intimate with just anyone is so unnervingly intense and forward.
So what ultimate goal do I want for interacting with a girl? Ultimately companionship. Laughter and companionship. I always say if we never met again, the one thing I would want you to remember me by is that we laughed.
I see people date for a few days and then have sex. I can’t do that. Part of is what I mentioned above, part of it is just who I am. I had my fill of one-night-stands. Morally I can’t do it. You, as a woman, don’t deserve to have the ultimate goal considered having sex with you. You are a beautiful soul, and you are not just flesh made for pleasure.
What’s sad is that I have an idea of what making love is but have never experienced it. I think of it as making a physical action to connect our souls. It is a commitment. There is a big difference between getting naked together and being truly naked. I found a quote by Rob Bell that is exactly that:
“It’s easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, dreams… that is being naked.”
I love deep emotional talks. I prefer it over sex. It’s when I feel truly connected. Part of it is explaining energy, part of it is being so raw that you are scared how you will be taken. Back in the day I said stuff about my past that isn’t who I am anymore. That turned a lot of people away, and it is my fault. Old things that don’t apply don’t need to be said. You are the person you behave as now. Stuff from my teens don’t apply, and haven’t been there for almost a decade. I just don’t know what to share but that. Well now I do.
I had a long emotional one night stand, and the phrasing has always come up, “I never expected this to happen. This feels so surreal.” I guess I’m different for not treating a girl like a piece of ass. People often say to me, “why are you treating me like this?” “You’re so different than other people.” This is the intimate part of me is the total opposite from my loud self. It mostly stems from words I heard a few years back. “Be the person you needed when you were younger.”
But I’ve diverged from that saying a bit. Before I was playing junior therapist with everyone. Now I just want to get to know someone. They are a person and a beautiful soul who need to be acknowledged at that first versus something sex related. They have accomplishments, goals, dreams, weaknesses and insecurities. I always say “when I see a girl, I don’t say “wow what a great body I want to tap that/*insert physical objectifying garbage here*. I say I want to get to know you.”
Most of these deep conversations that happen in a night don’t involve anything physical. No hugs, kisses, not even an expectation of “we should date after this.” I just want people to grow and accept who they are. More so not who they ae on the outside, but what their soul wants them to be outwardly. The thoughts, feelings and actions that they are insecure of showing. They don’t want to be rejected because of it. I accept all facets of people. God knows if I can be looked past my past that I of all people can be unphased by someone else’s.
So how do I go about presenting myself now? Be my loud energetic self, or quiet and introspective how I want people to truly see me? I don’t know honestly. I love being loud, but I really want to show people it’s easy to be happy and excited. Truth is it’s artificially made for me. My bipolar makes me hypomanic all the time. My medical shit is plaguing me, but I’m too hypomanic to be affected. I’m so bursting with energy I want people to get to my level. Hell even are bipolar people don’t reach it and are scared when they get close.
I seem to be saying the same things over and over again. Energy, deep conversations, seeing and loving the soul. But I have no one to show and experience it with. I have people read my writing, but they still know me as this loud and crazy kid. I wish I could just leave this town, reinvent myself in a new location. That’s not possible for another year and a half.
I have a lot of ideas for my image. Gamer, introspective guy, riding a motorcycle. None of those have really been achieved. I wish I could be in a position (mostly financial) to just start doing what I think will make me happy. But I’m some broke college kid making 350 a month.
All I really have to define me outwardly are my tattoos. I was in a community devoted to tattoos and alternative life. That community died and when I try to talk to other people about tattoos in person they just feel like I’m bothering them. It is way different than what I grew up in the first 2 years I got my tattoos. I tried looking into getting back into that community but all my friends left and it’s still the same way the reason I left. I just feel alone and misunderstood.
Part of it is my fault in terms of consciously choosing how I want to be presented. Part of is that I’m so hypomanic I just love letting loose all that energy. I feel like I’ve ruined my reputation even though now it’s one of the best it’s ever been. Three highly successful jobs and a good reputation when I’m working. Yet I still feel unfulfilled. I really like the professional reputation I have, it really gives me a good feeling about my image.
This blog has been all over the place from when I first thought about writing being attracted to intellect. I still don’t feel like this is resolved, which is strange because that’s why I write in the first place.
I guess I’m just looking to be seen differently than what I’ve been doing, but I can’t deny me being hypomanic and all that it entails. I don’t even know if I want a girlfriend, friends, or just companionship and a different look of who I am than what I’ve presented so far. I don’t mean to write this blog for anyone in particular, and it hasn’t really honestly ben a blog for myself. It’s been made to show how I want to be and how I feel.
I think I’ll end it here since it’s not really coming to fruition on what to do next.
