inkdpanda

I'm feeling lost. Lost in my head, mind, heart-deep down in my whole being. I've never gone through life thinking of the future. My life has been about survival. My issues, my mind, my identity. Nothing has driven me forward except just trying to survive the hell I've lived. I've been in a good place for some time. But it feels like there is a big part I am missing. I feel drained; my whole being is tired. I don't have energy to explore life, create worthwhile memories, or any general task. I think that being in a point in my life that is not about pure survival leads me in foreign territory. I've never been good at success. That success never lasts long either.

Everyone here seems so blissfully unaware. Unaware of events, people, love, and life. I guess I should be happy for them. The teacher asked what does love feel like. I've been thinking a lot about the feeling I felt around Devon. It felt so strong, so self assured. I didn't know what was ahead, but seeing Devon smile and laugh was all I needed. She had a hard life too. She was heavily judged for that life. I did everything I could to make her feel safe and accepted. I wanted her to know I truly believed in her and would support her through life's struggles. But I really think the best part of it was our friendship. We just felt so easy around each other-our laughter, trust, and acceptance. Everyone in class gave clich examples of love: butterflies, accepting faults, building on each other. It just didn't seem like they were really in love. It felt like they hadn't experienced enough in life. It felt if anything nave. I know that's a harsh judgment. Maybe I'm lonely, maybe I've been thinking too much of Devon. Maybe I just want that feeling again.

I think the feeling Devon and I had for each other was pure acceptance. Not just recognizing faults, but believing that when we were together those weaknesses went away. We felt safe, but I think most importantly happy for each other. We believed in each others lives in every way. We knew we had struggles, but for the few hours we were together each day we felt like the only two people in the whole world. We didn't have to face the world's hardships and realities, we felt like was just perfect when we were together. I haven't felt that wash away of reality since.

I've been alone for a long time, trying to show the happy side of life. I try to show and help others to the point of never being in a position of hell and hopelessness I was in. Maybe it's better not touching the subject. I just want them to feel safe and comfortable. But it seems so hollow. There doesn't seem anything to dig deeper on, just passing through life on auto pilot. I want friends to empower themselves. But most importantly I want them to laugh.
I don't know why that is so important for me. I just can't be that serious guy I once was. When I'm intimate with a girl I can't go full on into that mode. I have to make them laugh. When intimate kissing will lead to something more, I can't transition that way. The way I ease myself in is a serious kiss but instead of kissing blow hard into their mouth to fill their lungs. It's hilarious! It makes us both laugh and is even making me laugh right now. From that we never real get to anything further sexually. It breaks the moment, but from that we get to talk and learn about each other. I'm more appreciate of the calmness and silliness.

I'm very serious as a person. I feel like I have to be moving toward something. That directly affects my interaction with others. Every word, inflection, body language, any dynamic has a purpose. It's to get a desired and foreseen reaction. I don't think I've escaped from that mindset except with Devon. I try to remind myself to live without expectation, but I guess I'm afraid of the unplanned and unknown. The word I'm referring to is vulnerability. I've rarely experienced it, and to be in unknown territory just makes me feel beyond anxious and afraid. More importantly it makes me scared Ill say or do something to upset someone-more over to break the buffer I bring. The buffer I am talking about is that break from their reality. From their life, worries, obligations, fears, and overall awareness of reality. My buffer is other people receiving and affected by the buffer I bring them. I don't know why I have such co-dependence on others' responses from interacting with me.

I'm not comfortable with myself. I never have been. I need my actions to be noticed and validated. I've always asked other to describe me, but they never can. I guess I'm such a break from other men. My need for putting my energy into someone is really a heavy burden. I've overcome a lot of hardships, but I just can't be okay with myself.

I really don't mean to make this whole blog about Devon, but that was really the only time I can say I was truly happy with my entire being. I guess my other blog stirred up old memories. It made me look at everyone to see if they felt the same way I felt when around Devon. I don't know if I'll find another girl to make me feel that way again.
I really don't know how to end this blog, it was hard to write to begin with. I don't know what my future holds or even looks like. I don't know how to get there, or even steps to discover more of life. I just need to find some solid ground; it feels like Im walking on clouds about to fall through. I always have something to say about any topic, but I can honestly say nothing about my plan beyond these thoughts in my head. The best thing I can do is write it out and hopefully something will resonate. I really can't think of a closing statement, so I guess Ill just end it with a few panda pictures.




~panda