I'd like to start this blog on a different note from my medical shit. I miss writing good blogs that help me get the jumbled cluster sorted out from my head. I don't know exactly where to start this but I"ll just start writing and it'll develop as I go.
The first thing I've been meaning to write for all of SG to see is my views of it and the girls. I came to SG because I've always admired the tattoo/alternative scene. I grew up in a place condemning that life style. It was full of bunch of materialistic selfish egotistical people. I hated it. A few years down the road I started getting tattoos. It was a new and amazing experience. I came to SG a few months after. First and foremost; I never came to the site to masturbate to the girls on here. I don't view them in a sexual way at all. I view them as lovely women who have cool tattoos and their sets tell a story. More often I message the girls calling them cute, adorable, elegant, sensual etc. I don't know their experience as a model posing nude for the internet but I explain to them my views and they are really appreciative of me. I haven't the slightest idea of the nasty pervy messages or people they read on comments or private messages. I came to SG for the lifestyle idea but had no idea of the community. It has been a very important one to me; it's a place where I can express myself and make some friends. I have met some amazing girls here(I'm much more comfortable with female friends but I'll get to that point in a bit) with hopes, dreams, ambitions, dedication, and resiliency. They are strong women with great stories and lives to tell. Through them, I have learned the troubled past and hardships women go through. I can fully realize their dream of becoming pink, and the value it brings to their lives. It makes me happy when they accomplish a goal they've worked hard for, but also saddens me deeply when troubles and road blocks are preventing them from achieving a happy life and future. I feel like I've created a bond with the people I've become friends with, and I hope I can give them support and wisdom from my end to make the long confusing journey through life more manageable. The girls on here(Suicidegirls, Hopefuls, and Members) are amazing people with great lives to tell. They are (to me) not eye-candy, "jerk off" material, skanks(or other female derogatory terms), or women to take abuse from internet comments on their bodies or how to live their lives. I appreciate them for their beauty and tattoos, but more importantly for the lives they live.
This transitions into another topic: my views of women and my relationships with them. I love having female friends. They have so much energy with their passions and drive to the future. They are one with troubles and insecurities. I've been on a hard long life for my age and a lot of people call me an "old soul." I care a lot for them, and I hope I can help them in their troubles and motivate them and be happy for their future. An extremely high view, value, and standard I hold is that a woman is a Lady. I seem to be the only one who keeps that old class chivalrous mindset. I don't like to be around women who are over sexualized. Now please don't take that as restricting freedom and sexual expression, but I feel there is a limit. I see a lot of girls in this college town(which I hate) who wear promiscuous outfits and make the outward non verbal claim "I'm sexy and hot and my sexy body has the power over anyone." I think that most girls here dress, act, and walk around are defaulting to a stance of objectification. They are a Lady, not a object. I call every girl I meet "dear" and respect her as a person first and foremost. I cannot even think of a girl romantically or sexually until I've gotten to know them. I never say "damn she's sexy", "I'd tap that" "*insert physical objectification garbage here*." I always say "You seem like a good girl to get to know."
Most girls I meet here are completely thrown off by my interaction(in acute instances speechless). The problem is that I go too deep too fast. We get to know eachother in a matter of only a few hours. Sure we have great talks and a good connection but that isn't how most people work. As a result it ends in what I call "an emotional one night stand." All I expect out of it is friendship. But too deep too fast freaks girls out. Sure I give them closure and empathy and advice for them, but the extremely short "all-in-one-night" method does not work. Over and over again it happens and the same result every time. I should have learned by now but I am in desperate need to give the energy I have to them.
Next topic: Energy. The short version is: everyone has a color and it shrinks, grows, dance, and transfers between everyone and it is beautiful to watch. The long version is more specific. I have a lot of energy in my own being. I am not comfortable with it. I don't assign it a color or give it shape or movement around me. The only way I can feel it is to give it to others. I watch my energy grow with theirs and feed that growth back in(not read as sucking/stealing it back). I just can't help giving that energy I have to people. I know I cannot survive with my base energy, and the need to give and feed puts weight on my heart and mind. This topic is one of the topics in my "emotional one night stands." Girls are bewildered by it and are amazed I pin down their color and personality in only a few short sentences within just hours of meeting them. That topic of conversation gives their energy conscious awareness(however limited) and I see that exchange and transfer of both our energies overwhelm my hunger for it. When I see a girl with amazing energy, I want to take her home with me. I had that once, (Melanie was her name) and we stayed awake for 14 hours not having sex talking about energy and sharing it between us. The best way I can describe an intimate way of sharing it is imagine the energy of each person is colored smoke. When we kiss, that energy dances together and transfers between us. It gives a sense of trust and protection to give each other our energies. Like I said before it all happens too fast and I need that dump of energy to survive. I'm slowly learning to live my life that after a long time of knowing the person then that is the right moment to share it. If only the craving were not so strong.
I guess my next topic will be about my hard life and the adversity I have to go through. I've only been alive for 22 years but it's felt at least double that. Even at birth I shouldn't have survived. I was born 3 months early. I weighed one pound ten ounces then dropped to one pound two ounces. I fit in a palm and weighed less than four sticks of butter. I also had a blood sugar level of 1000(yes one thousand) normal is around 40-150. I should have died. My heart stopped, my lungs stopped, I had no fat on my body(translucent skin). Because I had such high blood sugar level them kept pricking me and testing me my blood and giving me insulin. Now I've said in the past to let go of old times and baggage. But I think this will finally purge it out. I'm just going to blast short and sweet this part because I don't like turning this blog sour. Cutting, alcoholism, drug addiction, depression and negative actions from it, and unstable bipolar. Hard recovery and many years of relapses. Now that's the end of this topic.
The next topic that stems from that is the advice I give to others. Life is hard, it is never fair, and we don't always win after doing our best. There are two big points I want to make from that. The first is the hardships of life and moving forward. Growing up, I never thought I'd get past my negative vices. I never thought I'd manage bipolar, be sober, or go to a great college. What this means is that the future is unknown. There are possibilities and experiences out there that we don't even know exist yet. We have an idea of the future but we strive towards goals. In my opinion we should not strive for one goal or destination. We should strive to be in a position where new experiences are possible. It's like looking down when you're walking. All you see is the ground until you get to where you are going. But when we look up, we see the leaves, grass, ocean, rain, and everything we were missing by being in such tunnel vision. Take the hardships of life and let that shape your future. Don't reject the uncomfortable past, but build from it and steer yourself into a new future taking the cautions of what you learned.
The second point is expectations. For many months I was in love with this girl named Devon--I shouldn't say in love with her; I was in love with the idea of her. When we were around each other, we had no expectations. We just enjoyed our company and were thankful for our limited time together. I made her motivational cards with gifts and we went and had a silly string fight in a field. I always wanted to make her laugh. I did and was happy for it. We weren't limited by our thoughts and feelings, and lived in a state of awareness with no expectations. We cherished the laughter, hugs, kisses, and our friendship. But that was all we had known, and we didn't know further from there or want to put a category or thought to it. Eventually we broke up, but I realized it was not Devon I was in love with, but the idea of her and I and our experiences around each other. I forget so often to live without expectation, but remembering that time brings me back to a simpler mindset and lifestyle. I never knew what fucked up that relationship, but I hold tight the feeling I had with the idea of her. I wish others could escape the worries and stimuli of life just to take a moment to view the immediacy of their life in that moment. Some of my friends have felt that through my help, but I always tell them, don't think, don't try to categorize it. It will feel weird and you will feel vulnerable, but that's you released from all the pressures and experiencing life purely. A simple analogy is this: You are trying to get to 0, putting effort into it brings it to 1. Just let go; breathe deep and just let go. It'll take awhile to realize it, but just let go and breathe.
Next topic: future romantic relationships. I don't want a girlfriend or hookups. I want a partner. Someone who we can help build our strengths and support our weaknesses. I want someone to laugh with, cook for, cuddle, support, kiss, hold, and talk to. One of my most important standards I hold to myself is to make people laugh. All my past relationships if I could boil down was that we were laughing. I love to laugh and make it a point to make my future girlfriend(and all my friends) laugh. Yeah we can have serious talks and bonding moments, but at the end of the day I hope she remembers that I made her laugh. I want to cook for her, take her out on nice dates, cuddle, go on exciting adventures, and just make her happy. Making my girl happy makes me happy.
Next part: my uncomfortable relationship with sex. I'm not that experienced with sex. I have only had one night stands; all extremely intoxicated. I have an idea of making love(with regards to energy) but I have never experienced it. I have a certain medical condition that gives me a lot of sexual stamina. Part of that leads to this statement: I very much dislike blowjobs. It feels weird and perverted, and I just go soft; part from thought part from extreme stamina. That makes me think that the girl giving it will feel bad for "not being good at giving head." I love returning the favor, and sex makes me feel good only when my partner feel good. I can last a long time, and consequently the girl needs a break. But I feel like giving my partner pleasure is getting the job done. I'm also scared of sex, part insecurity, part inexperience, part I feel like there's something deep down that is dark and scary and may show up. I really try to avoid sex, and would much rather spend hours talking, kissing, and cuddling. Sex is foreign to me and that's all that seems to be on people's mind in college. Honestly, whenever I do get a girlfriend, I hope to wait until I really get to know her to have sex. The high standard I hold of women leads me to avoid sex, along with all the other reasons. I don't know if that makes me less of a man, but it's just a moral and standard I can't go easy on.
Next topic: My life as a sober college kid and the whole college scene. I'm sober for 5 years now(drugs) I had some relapses with alcohol but I've really found my sobriety strong over the past few months. I don't go to bars, drink at parties, or smoke weed. And that's all anyone asks me or on anyone's mind. The shit kids are doing now I did when I was 17 and even harder back in the day. I hate being around people under the influence, and I really feel it makes them immature. But that's the life around here. And all the people I've shared my views of energy with are drunk and high. I wish there were people untainted by this college shitshow of a town. I hate it so much. I've become rather secluded and lonely. I post on SG and play video games. It's better than dealing with the drunk, high, immature, and over sexualized zealotry that is this town. I wish people knew me how SG knows me, but they end up laughing and call me less of a man for a lot of the topics I've covered in my views of women and sex. I'm not a "bro" at all. I care for people and give them the treatment a person does because they are just that. They are people with goals, dreams, hardships, and intriguing lives. But most people here just care for a cheap thrill. Along with needing energy feeds and dumps, I feel so out of place. My bipolar makes me always high, to the point where the only reason I took Melanie home was she had as much energy as I did(turns out she was high on molly and booze). We ended up not being friends, she wanted the party life. I hate all of that scene. I hope I can find adult relationships where we go out to movies, concerts, cook big meals, and have great long talks. I'm old fashion in a lot of respects, and I'm really not lessening my stance. I know it's college and freedom and experiences and shit, but kids here need to grow up.
I think that's all I had to say. Damn it was a lot haha. I'm really glad I took the time to write this out. Two hours of writing all my thoughts, feelings, morals, values, and wisdom But whoever takes the time to read this, thank you for letting me write this and I hope you take something away from this.
~Panda
The first thing I've been meaning to write for all of SG to see is my views of it and the girls. I came to SG because I've always admired the tattoo/alternative scene. I grew up in a place condemning that life style. It was full of bunch of materialistic selfish egotistical people. I hated it. A few years down the road I started getting tattoos. It was a new and amazing experience. I came to SG a few months after. First and foremost; I never came to the site to masturbate to the girls on here. I don't view them in a sexual way at all. I view them as lovely women who have cool tattoos and their sets tell a story. More often I message the girls calling them cute, adorable, elegant, sensual etc. I don't know their experience as a model posing nude for the internet but I explain to them my views and they are really appreciative of me. I haven't the slightest idea of the nasty pervy messages or people they read on comments or private messages. I came to SG for the lifestyle idea but had no idea of the community. It has been a very important one to me; it's a place where I can express myself and make some friends. I have met some amazing girls here(I'm much more comfortable with female friends but I'll get to that point in a bit) with hopes, dreams, ambitions, dedication, and resiliency. They are strong women with great stories and lives to tell. Through them, I have learned the troubled past and hardships women go through. I can fully realize their dream of becoming pink, and the value it brings to their lives. It makes me happy when they accomplish a goal they've worked hard for, but also saddens me deeply when troubles and road blocks are preventing them from achieving a happy life and future. I feel like I've created a bond with the people I've become friends with, and I hope I can give them support and wisdom from my end to make the long confusing journey through life more manageable. The girls on here(Suicidegirls, Hopefuls, and Members) are amazing people with great lives to tell. They are (to me) not eye-candy, "jerk off" material, skanks(or other female derogatory terms), or women to take abuse from internet comments on their bodies or how to live their lives. I appreciate them for their beauty and tattoos, but more importantly for the lives they live.
This transitions into another topic: my views of women and my relationships with them. I love having female friends. They have so much energy with their passions and drive to the future. They are one with troubles and insecurities. I've been on a hard long life for my age and a lot of people call me an "old soul." I care a lot for them, and I hope I can help them in their troubles and motivate them and be happy for their future. An extremely high view, value, and standard I hold is that a woman is a Lady. I seem to be the only one who keeps that old class chivalrous mindset. I don't like to be around women who are over sexualized. Now please don't take that as restricting freedom and sexual expression, but I feel there is a limit. I see a lot of girls in this college town(which I hate) who wear promiscuous outfits and make the outward non verbal claim "I'm sexy and hot and my sexy body has the power over anyone." I think that most girls here dress, act, and walk around are defaulting to a stance of objectification. They are a Lady, not a object. I call every girl I meet "dear" and respect her as a person first and foremost. I cannot even think of a girl romantically or sexually until I've gotten to know them. I never say "damn she's sexy", "I'd tap that" "*insert physical objectification garbage here*." I always say "You seem like a good girl to get to know."
Most girls I meet here are completely thrown off by my interaction(in acute instances speechless). The problem is that I go too deep too fast. We get to know eachother in a matter of only a few hours. Sure we have great talks and a good connection but that isn't how most people work. As a result it ends in what I call "an emotional one night stand." All I expect out of it is friendship. But too deep too fast freaks girls out. Sure I give them closure and empathy and advice for them, but the extremely short "all-in-one-night" method does not work. Over and over again it happens and the same result every time. I should have learned by now but I am in desperate need to give the energy I have to them.
Next topic: Energy. The short version is: everyone has a color and it shrinks, grows, dance, and transfers between everyone and it is beautiful to watch. The long version is more specific. I have a lot of energy in my own being. I am not comfortable with it. I don't assign it a color or give it shape or movement around me. The only way I can feel it is to give it to others. I watch my energy grow with theirs and feed that growth back in(not read as sucking/stealing it back). I just can't help giving that energy I have to people. I know I cannot survive with my base energy, and the need to give and feed puts weight on my heart and mind. This topic is one of the topics in my "emotional one night stands." Girls are bewildered by it and are amazed I pin down their color and personality in only a few short sentences within just hours of meeting them. That topic of conversation gives their energy conscious awareness(however limited) and I see that exchange and transfer of both our energies overwhelm my hunger for it. When I see a girl with amazing energy, I want to take her home with me. I had that once, (Melanie was her name) and we stayed awake for 14 hours not having sex talking about energy and sharing it between us. The best way I can describe an intimate way of sharing it is imagine the energy of each person is colored smoke. When we kiss, that energy dances together and transfers between us. It gives a sense of trust and protection to give each other our energies. Like I said before it all happens too fast and I need that dump of energy to survive. I'm slowly learning to live my life that after a long time of knowing the person then that is the right moment to share it. If only the craving were not so strong.
I guess my next topic will be about my hard life and the adversity I have to go through. I've only been alive for 22 years but it's felt at least double that. Even at birth I shouldn't have survived. I was born 3 months early. I weighed one pound ten ounces then dropped to one pound two ounces. I fit in a palm and weighed less than four sticks of butter. I also had a blood sugar level of 1000(yes one thousand) normal is around 40-150. I should have died. My heart stopped, my lungs stopped, I had no fat on my body(translucent skin). Because I had such high blood sugar level them kept pricking me and testing me my blood and giving me insulin. Now I've said in the past to let go of old times and baggage. But I think this will finally purge it out. I'm just going to blast short and sweet this part because I don't like turning this blog sour. Cutting, alcoholism, drug addiction, depression and negative actions from it, and unstable bipolar. Hard recovery and many years of relapses. Now that's the end of this topic.
The next topic that stems from that is the advice I give to others. Life is hard, it is never fair, and we don't always win after doing our best. There are two big points I want to make from that. The first is the hardships of life and moving forward. Growing up, I never thought I'd get past my negative vices. I never thought I'd manage bipolar, be sober, or go to a great college. What this means is that the future is unknown. There are possibilities and experiences out there that we don't even know exist yet. We have an idea of the future but we strive towards goals. In my opinion we should not strive for one goal or destination. We should strive to be in a position where new experiences are possible. It's like looking down when you're walking. All you see is the ground until you get to where you are going. But when we look up, we see the leaves, grass, ocean, rain, and everything we were missing by being in such tunnel vision. Take the hardships of life and let that shape your future. Don't reject the uncomfortable past, but build from it and steer yourself into a new future taking the cautions of what you learned.
The second point is expectations. For many months I was in love with this girl named Devon--I shouldn't say in love with her; I was in love with the idea of her. When we were around each other, we had no expectations. We just enjoyed our company and were thankful for our limited time together. I made her motivational cards with gifts and we went and had a silly string fight in a field. I always wanted to make her laugh. I did and was happy for it. We weren't limited by our thoughts and feelings, and lived in a state of awareness with no expectations. We cherished the laughter, hugs, kisses, and our friendship. But that was all we had known, and we didn't know further from there or want to put a category or thought to it. Eventually we broke up, but I realized it was not Devon I was in love with, but the idea of her and I and our experiences around each other. I forget so often to live without expectation, but remembering that time brings me back to a simpler mindset and lifestyle. I never knew what fucked up that relationship, but I hold tight the feeling I had with the idea of her. I wish others could escape the worries and stimuli of life just to take a moment to view the immediacy of their life in that moment. Some of my friends have felt that through my help, but I always tell them, don't think, don't try to categorize it. It will feel weird and you will feel vulnerable, but that's you released from all the pressures and experiencing life purely. A simple analogy is this: You are trying to get to 0, putting effort into it brings it to 1. Just let go; breathe deep and just let go. It'll take awhile to realize it, but just let go and breathe.
Next topic: future romantic relationships. I don't want a girlfriend or hookups. I want a partner. Someone who we can help build our strengths and support our weaknesses. I want someone to laugh with, cook for, cuddle, support, kiss, hold, and talk to. One of my most important standards I hold to myself is to make people laugh. All my past relationships if I could boil down was that we were laughing. I love to laugh and make it a point to make my future girlfriend(and all my friends) laugh. Yeah we can have serious talks and bonding moments, but at the end of the day I hope she remembers that I made her laugh. I want to cook for her, take her out on nice dates, cuddle, go on exciting adventures, and just make her happy. Making my girl happy makes me happy.
Next part: my uncomfortable relationship with sex. I'm not that experienced with sex. I have only had one night stands; all extremely intoxicated. I have an idea of making love(with regards to energy) but I have never experienced it. I have a certain medical condition that gives me a lot of sexual stamina. Part of that leads to this statement: I very much dislike blowjobs. It feels weird and perverted, and I just go soft; part from thought part from extreme stamina. That makes me think that the girl giving it will feel bad for "not being good at giving head." I love returning the favor, and sex makes me feel good only when my partner feel good. I can last a long time, and consequently the girl needs a break. But I feel like giving my partner pleasure is getting the job done. I'm also scared of sex, part insecurity, part inexperience, part I feel like there's something deep down that is dark and scary and may show up. I really try to avoid sex, and would much rather spend hours talking, kissing, and cuddling. Sex is foreign to me and that's all that seems to be on people's mind in college. Honestly, whenever I do get a girlfriend, I hope to wait until I really get to know her to have sex. The high standard I hold of women leads me to avoid sex, along with all the other reasons. I don't know if that makes me less of a man, but it's just a moral and standard I can't go easy on.
Next topic: My life as a sober college kid and the whole college scene. I'm sober for 5 years now(drugs) I had some relapses with alcohol but I've really found my sobriety strong over the past few months. I don't go to bars, drink at parties, or smoke weed. And that's all anyone asks me or on anyone's mind. The shit kids are doing now I did when I was 17 and even harder back in the day. I hate being around people under the influence, and I really feel it makes them immature. But that's the life around here. And all the people I've shared my views of energy with are drunk and high. I wish there were people untainted by this college shitshow of a town. I hate it so much. I've become rather secluded and lonely. I post on SG and play video games. It's better than dealing with the drunk, high, immature, and over sexualized zealotry that is this town. I wish people knew me how SG knows me, but they end up laughing and call me less of a man for a lot of the topics I've covered in my views of women and sex. I'm not a "bro" at all. I care for people and give them the treatment a person does because they are just that. They are people with goals, dreams, hardships, and intriguing lives. But most people here just care for a cheap thrill. Along with needing energy feeds and dumps, I feel so out of place. My bipolar makes me always high, to the point where the only reason I took Melanie home was she had as much energy as I did(turns out she was high on molly and booze). We ended up not being friends, she wanted the party life. I hate all of that scene. I hope I can find adult relationships where we go out to movies, concerts, cook big meals, and have great long talks. I'm old fashion in a lot of respects, and I'm really not lessening my stance. I know it's college and freedom and experiences and shit, but kids here need to grow up.
I think that's all I had to say. Damn it was a lot haha. I'm really glad I took the time to write this out. Two hours of writing all my thoughts, feelings, morals, values, and wisdom But whoever takes the time to read this, thank you for letting me write this and I hope you take something away from this.
~Panda
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
prisca:
Very lovely <3
arminda:
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 ^^