I've been really examining myself and who I am; what i want to give and show people. Here are my 2 favorite writings. I wrote the first when i was 17 for the writing assignment "creed for life". Second one late last year. I've grown up a lot since both pieces and they really exemplify who I am now and my hopes for the future.
Why are the tears and memories that continue to return to us, always holding us back? When will we be able to not succumb to that weakness? How will we find, within ourselves, the confidence to exert all the potential that lies dormant in our hearts? To the people who are pressured, to live a life of lies, just to be accepted; Why? To the people who routinely live life in an emotionless passing; Why? To the people who assume they have the authority to judge others, when their sins are greater; Why? When will people accept others faults, as well as their own? When will everyone just act as they choose, and never have to worry of others impressions of them? When will we be free?
Why must we put barriers up? Barriers that shield us, from an unknown. Barriers that hurt us, and never heal us. They kill all emotion, and empathy, that may be the one thing that will heal us. Heal us of this pain, of this life, of this insanity, of ourselves. Let the barriers fall, with a force that will shake the world. A force that will liberate us from the constant fear, pain, and denial. A force that will show others, that we can live, with transcendence or damnation, and never have to leave ourselves alone.
Being alone, secluded, and tortured. Why do we not change? Why do we seek closure, but never have the courage to find it? When will we leave the safety of our own world, to experience a new one? What will we do, now that we see this new world? Will we reject it, and never leave our own world again? Or will we embrace it, and change our own world? Dont reject it, for some of our world shouldnt be rejected. It makes us remember, as to show how better we are now. How we have matured, and what we will become. Take the first step; it will get easier with time. Just remember the road to change is long and hard, but we will become better people from the journey. Let the experiences motivate us, and the thought of new ones push us faster to seek them out.
Why do we seek to repent, and try to explain the life we live? Why do we seek to re-assure the purity within ourselves? Why worry, as to hide the demons within ourselves? All of us have Angels, and Demons within. For what reason should we try to bury them, to never show the side which we are ashamed of? What does it mean, to fake a smile, or to fake our lives? What is the reason? Is it to save our own sanity? Is it a fear of insanity? A fear of an approaching regret? When will we see, that we must let these angels and demons out? For they will slowly take over us, if left locked deep within. Taking over the other until there is nothing left. They take control of us, as payment for our lies. They will show us, the coexistence that must be constant. When will we then learn, to show the Truth? The truth of ourselves, of others, and of life. We cannot hide it, because it will eventually suffocate us. But we need to feel decay, feel a sense of renewal. To change to coexist. To prove to ourselves the ongoing struggles shall not hinder us.
Why do we seek all of it? What in our minds makes us seek this sinless life? Why cant we live for ourselves? To live for the moment now, and for moments in the future. Why do we want to be gods and erase all of our faults and weaknesses? Why? Release the shackles that bind you to weakness, and live the life you want to. Shut out all the snickers and gossip that attempt to poison your uniqueness. In time, it will end. People will seek to be you, but there in lies the problem. The ongoing cycle of acceptance. Why cant we just end it? Why cant we be ourselves? Why?
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It seems there is a change growing inside me. It's a good change, something I've never felt before. It's a change that is rooted deep, in the base of my pelvis that is the Second Chakra in Hindu terms(which is better describing it) Although I don't want this feeling to be linked in meaning to the Second Chakra, it is rooted deep and growing. With ever breath I breathe, step i take, sound i hear, texture i feel(my tongue especially, taste is gone in replace of the texture on my tongue) and the Warmth of the Sun and cool gentle shallow Light of the Moon. By a chance, which I am truly reflecting on, I sleep in the moonlight. I wake up at night, only to see the encompassing light of the moon through my blinds. What is even more meaningful, is that when I am in the shadows of the moon(my temple specifically) I feel a pain of my mind and soul. It is as if I am trapped in a cave and see light and try with my whole being to be washed in its redeeming grace.
I am stimulated by school, but only in a passive sense. My mind must always be working at a personal level instead of following lectures, and when I code or write or stimulate my mind in any way, at the end of the lecture or midway through it is as if i had just awoken from a slumber away from the physical realm where I was happily dancing in the mental and spiritual realm of my whole being. After I wake from this slumber, I am fully engaged in the discussion, even though my mind was distracted in a place i can only describe as sacred and holy. But my mind needs immediate stimuli or else i feel that this awakening was in vain and there is less hope in the outside world to satisfy this hunger of knowledge and energy. The best way I can keep myself stimulated in the lecture when i am not currently doing it on my own is to watch the energy levels of the class. I can see this energy-with shades from violet to fuchsia-- stemming from people roots and out any possible entrance into their body.
I see their energy go in, with a eager waiting of how that energy may grow. The energy will hover, like a gentle fog and when it is engaged, rains in a beautiful mist that empowers the vessels that seek that energy's pure essence. It saddens me though, because I have an understanding of the energy and of the human interaction construct my energy levels serve only a select few. I lose my energy and only wish to return deeper into my slumber where i dance and dream with the energy in my soul and throughout the veins of my body. I then really on the Gift of my mentality to lower my energy thirst to simpler stimuli-a base root if you will-, from the above mentioned senses. It is then only for the fact that mass amounts of individual energiesall with unique colors and dancing waves-- brings a profound harmony within me. Yet if I am in the shadows, I see the energy halt and slowly die as if a grim harvester seeks to claim the neutral unbridled source to never interact with this plane again.
The plane that I am on, a higher plane, felt like solitude for the longest time. But when I meet someone else on this plane, the mass amounts of root energies cease to enter, and a negating field where energy is kept within(though not forced, it is purely the fact that encountering another on this plane that we never want to waste a single puresource on a wasted inferior stimuli.) From these two plane-walkers comes a mutual energy flow, one so heightened and hyper-aware that the energies dance around us, creating harmony and respect. The energies dance in a way with no impression, no expectation and wholly immersing themselves the simple interaction of the two. Now I feel truly connected, a puresource of energy being neither taken, given, reaped, sowed. For it is a stream, continuous mist waves and light embracing and encompassing the very entity that is a plane-walker.
Because of this constant walking of the Plane, the human body is desensitized to me. Flesh means nothing, and the only reaction I have to nudity or sexual sense is a pure inquiring of what energy made that person behave in such a way. Even with people who i would never view in a sexual way(and i use that term only for you to relate) I want to hold them, touch them, kiss them in a one-on-one setting purely to feel that energy flow between us in a rarity only loved one have(though i doubt they are as hyper-aware of the energy as i am.) Sex, flesh, words, any manifestation of energy into the physical plane and realm means very little to me. It is only when i see one's whole being given forth to another soul so stimulating i want to cry tears or belonging, joy, bliss, and love. And this true feeling of intimacy and love is not something that can be controlled or diversified between two people. For the people are just the physical vessels of the energy of the planes. It is the puresource of energy interacting in a way that can only be described as phasing into the individual puresource to create a single source. A source indescribable, that needs no words; for those words would ruin the raw entity of unity. That is what I crave, the phasing into unity of energies. I find that with intellect energies, but I wish to find only that encompasses all the energy the vessel has to give in the purest of forms.
Why are the tears and memories that continue to return to us, always holding us back? When will we be able to not succumb to that weakness? How will we find, within ourselves, the confidence to exert all the potential that lies dormant in our hearts? To the people who are pressured, to live a life of lies, just to be accepted; Why? To the people who routinely live life in an emotionless passing; Why? To the people who assume they have the authority to judge others, when their sins are greater; Why? When will people accept others faults, as well as their own? When will everyone just act as they choose, and never have to worry of others impressions of them? When will we be free?
Why must we put barriers up? Barriers that shield us, from an unknown. Barriers that hurt us, and never heal us. They kill all emotion, and empathy, that may be the one thing that will heal us. Heal us of this pain, of this life, of this insanity, of ourselves. Let the barriers fall, with a force that will shake the world. A force that will liberate us from the constant fear, pain, and denial. A force that will show others, that we can live, with transcendence or damnation, and never have to leave ourselves alone.
Being alone, secluded, and tortured. Why do we not change? Why do we seek closure, but never have the courage to find it? When will we leave the safety of our own world, to experience a new one? What will we do, now that we see this new world? Will we reject it, and never leave our own world again? Or will we embrace it, and change our own world? Dont reject it, for some of our world shouldnt be rejected. It makes us remember, as to show how better we are now. How we have matured, and what we will become. Take the first step; it will get easier with time. Just remember the road to change is long and hard, but we will become better people from the journey. Let the experiences motivate us, and the thought of new ones push us faster to seek them out.
Why do we seek to repent, and try to explain the life we live? Why do we seek to re-assure the purity within ourselves? Why worry, as to hide the demons within ourselves? All of us have Angels, and Demons within. For what reason should we try to bury them, to never show the side which we are ashamed of? What does it mean, to fake a smile, or to fake our lives? What is the reason? Is it to save our own sanity? Is it a fear of insanity? A fear of an approaching regret? When will we see, that we must let these angels and demons out? For they will slowly take over us, if left locked deep within. Taking over the other until there is nothing left. They take control of us, as payment for our lies. They will show us, the coexistence that must be constant. When will we then learn, to show the Truth? The truth of ourselves, of others, and of life. We cannot hide it, because it will eventually suffocate us. But we need to feel decay, feel a sense of renewal. To change to coexist. To prove to ourselves the ongoing struggles shall not hinder us.
Why do we seek all of it? What in our minds makes us seek this sinless life? Why cant we live for ourselves? To live for the moment now, and for moments in the future. Why do we want to be gods and erase all of our faults and weaknesses? Why? Release the shackles that bind you to weakness, and live the life you want to. Shut out all the snickers and gossip that attempt to poison your uniqueness. In time, it will end. People will seek to be you, but there in lies the problem. The ongoing cycle of acceptance. Why cant we just end it? Why cant we be ourselves? Why?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It seems there is a change growing inside me. It's a good change, something I've never felt before. It's a change that is rooted deep, in the base of my pelvis that is the Second Chakra in Hindu terms(which is better describing it) Although I don't want this feeling to be linked in meaning to the Second Chakra, it is rooted deep and growing. With ever breath I breathe, step i take, sound i hear, texture i feel(my tongue especially, taste is gone in replace of the texture on my tongue) and the Warmth of the Sun and cool gentle shallow Light of the Moon. By a chance, which I am truly reflecting on, I sleep in the moonlight. I wake up at night, only to see the encompassing light of the moon through my blinds. What is even more meaningful, is that when I am in the shadows of the moon(my temple specifically) I feel a pain of my mind and soul. It is as if I am trapped in a cave and see light and try with my whole being to be washed in its redeeming grace.
I am stimulated by school, but only in a passive sense. My mind must always be working at a personal level instead of following lectures, and when I code or write or stimulate my mind in any way, at the end of the lecture or midway through it is as if i had just awoken from a slumber away from the physical realm where I was happily dancing in the mental and spiritual realm of my whole being. After I wake from this slumber, I am fully engaged in the discussion, even though my mind was distracted in a place i can only describe as sacred and holy. But my mind needs immediate stimuli or else i feel that this awakening was in vain and there is less hope in the outside world to satisfy this hunger of knowledge and energy. The best way I can keep myself stimulated in the lecture when i am not currently doing it on my own is to watch the energy levels of the class. I can see this energy-with shades from violet to fuchsia-- stemming from people roots and out any possible entrance into their body.
I see their energy go in, with a eager waiting of how that energy may grow. The energy will hover, like a gentle fog and when it is engaged, rains in a beautiful mist that empowers the vessels that seek that energy's pure essence. It saddens me though, because I have an understanding of the energy and of the human interaction construct my energy levels serve only a select few. I lose my energy and only wish to return deeper into my slumber where i dance and dream with the energy in my soul and throughout the veins of my body. I then really on the Gift of my mentality to lower my energy thirst to simpler stimuli-a base root if you will-, from the above mentioned senses. It is then only for the fact that mass amounts of individual energiesall with unique colors and dancing waves-- brings a profound harmony within me. Yet if I am in the shadows, I see the energy halt and slowly die as if a grim harvester seeks to claim the neutral unbridled source to never interact with this plane again.
The plane that I am on, a higher plane, felt like solitude for the longest time. But when I meet someone else on this plane, the mass amounts of root energies cease to enter, and a negating field where energy is kept within(though not forced, it is purely the fact that encountering another on this plane that we never want to waste a single puresource on a wasted inferior stimuli.) From these two plane-walkers comes a mutual energy flow, one so heightened and hyper-aware that the energies dance around us, creating harmony and respect. The energies dance in a way with no impression, no expectation and wholly immersing themselves the simple interaction of the two. Now I feel truly connected, a puresource of energy being neither taken, given, reaped, sowed. For it is a stream, continuous mist waves and light embracing and encompassing the very entity that is a plane-walker.
Because of this constant walking of the Plane, the human body is desensitized to me. Flesh means nothing, and the only reaction I have to nudity or sexual sense is a pure inquiring of what energy made that person behave in such a way. Even with people who i would never view in a sexual way(and i use that term only for you to relate) I want to hold them, touch them, kiss them in a one-on-one setting purely to feel that energy flow between us in a rarity only loved one have(though i doubt they are as hyper-aware of the energy as i am.) Sex, flesh, words, any manifestation of energy into the physical plane and realm means very little to me. It is only when i see one's whole being given forth to another soul so stimulating i want to cry tears or belonging, joy, bliss, and love. And this true feeling of intimacy and love is not something that can be controlled or diversified between two people. For the people are just the physical vessels of the energy of the planes. It is the puresource of energy interacting in a way that can only be described as phasing into the individual puresource to create a single source. A source indescribable, that needs no words; for those words would ruin the raw entity of unity. That is what I crave, the phasing into unity of energies. I find that with intellect energies, but I wish to find only that encompasses all the energy the vessel has to give in the purest of forms.