I've grown up a lot in the past few months. From where I've started, how I've grown up, my growing up as a young adult, and to culmination of where I am now. I've always brought my baggage with me throughout my life. Even in stating my accomplishments it brings along that baggage. By stating I'm sober for years, it brings that baggage of how I was a druggy and boozer. Now I just say I don't drink or do drugs. A simple statement that brings volumes of what I can say my life is now. I've always brought my life as a bipolar person with me. Priding myself in the right medication, being manic, beating depression, that just brings baggage as well. The film noir saying "no past all future" is the best way to sum up my thoughts. I used to think going fast and hard and there's no reason to slow down was my only way of living. That thought has gone away. Life is much more slowed down and quieter. And that is a very good thing. I don't have many expectations anymore and just enjoy what I'm doing for simply having the opportunity to experience it. I've always had the pressure in my head to beat my issues, to make real honest friends, to get a girl who sees me for the gentleman, not viewing women as a piece of ass, being this guy who's been through hell, has all this hard earned wisdom, can't be phased by things, etc. That driving need to be unique and different has gone away.
I've been doing a lot of meditation and deep breathing visualization regarding energy. I haven't touched on that subject in awhile. It is because most people laugh and don't understand. I've been over my views of energy in people and they've only grown stronger as I've been growing so dramatically in the past few months. I've been doing deep breathing visualization where I think of a color and feel where my body feels weight associated with it. I've mapped out my body with colors and am finally happy with my own energy. That is something that has taken a long time to figure out. Now I don't have to feed off of giving my energy. I am always remembering my night with Melanie; how I explained energy and how we shared each other. Every kiss we had we transferee our energies and gave each other a sense if warmth and security. But I also shared my baggage and asked her to take negative energy.
But before I go off on my failed relationships I want to explain how I want to be known and felt as a person. I always thought I was made up of dark negative red and black energy. Now I know I am every color and can change and shape myself and my destiny of my identity. I want to give my energy not to feed but to grow with it. I want to show a girl that caring, sweet, and compassionate side. I've always thought by forcing emphasis on how I treat women it would change the way they would view themselves and their relationships. It was yet another expectation I had. I'm tired of forcing these friendships and changes in my head. I'm learning now not to forcefully show those sides but to get on the path that people will eventually see the side of me. And that includes my life of energy. It is very personal and how I acted before was to bring that part of me upfront first and it would shape the relationship based on that. I have moved away from that. I'm taking a much slower and calmer approach to relationships. I want people to know me for the real and honest me, but know now not to force it in the forefront.
I've learned a lot from my past failed relationships. I look back on it with regret(but in a much less serious and burdensome way) and also have a touch of laughter. I realized why those relationships failed, and I am not consumed by looking back(something i have struggled with in the past). I look back and laugh a little on how i was a weird kid back then. I also have hope and drive for my identity in the future not only in not saying the things I said, but how I dont need to say them anymore and let go of that baggage. I look back and think what would life be like if this worked out? and i get a touch of sadness. But it also gives me hope for the future on how to make it work next time.
I think ever since I changed my major to advertizing with 2 minors things have fallen into place much easier. I am actually motivated in school, pulling good grades, and am happy now. I live comfortably, have a great support team, and have hobbies that I can do alone without feeling lonely. I am comfortable with myself and my life and have high hopes for the future.
Im finally able to start exercising again after being inactive since September. My gallbladder surgery is all healed up and I am meeting with a physical therapist on how to properly get back into cardio and lifting. Im really excited and happy for that. exercise has always been a huge part of my life and being able to start again keeps me in high spirits. I have to go slow and have never had the type of situation where i need to be careful about how hard i work out.
the voice acting is a giant mess. The whole crux of making a profile on their set has fallen apart and now I have to look around town to find the appropriate resources. I emailed the music department in hopes that they can help, my agent can help me too(i hope).
All in all things are a lot quieter and steady. No news is good news and I have less to talk about and discuss. I have always struggled in life with physical, mental, or emotional anguish and angst. Now that is not the case and things are really starting to take shape. I write these blogs mostly to reflect on myself but also to share with the people I consider family. So thank you all for reading my blogs and even giving me a purpose to write these for myself.
Take care SG!
~Panda
I've been doing a lot of meditation and deep breathing visualization regarding energy. I haven't touched on that subject in awhile. It is because most people laugh and don't understand. I've been over my views of energy in people and they've only grown stronger as I've been growing so dramatically in the past few months. I've been doing deep breathing visualization where I think of a color and feel where my body feels weight associated with it. I've mapped out my body with colors and am finally happy with my own energy. That is something that has taken a long time to figure out. Now I don't have to feed off of giving my energy. I am always remembering my night with Melanie; how I explained energy and how we shared each other. Every kiss we had we transferee our energies and gave each other a sense if warmth and security. But I also shared my baggage and asked her to take negative energy.
But before I go off on my failed relationships I want to explain how I want to be known and felt as a person. I always thought I was made up of dark negative red and black energy. Now I know I am every color and can change and shape myself and my destiny of my identity. I want to give my energy not to feed but to grow with it. I want to show a girl that caring, sweet, and compassionate side. I've always thought by forcing emphasis on how I treat women it would change the way they would view themselves and their relationships. It was yet another expectation I had. I'm tired of forcing these friendships and changes in my head. I'm learning now not to forcefully show those sides but to get on the path that people will eventually see the side of me. And that includes my life of energy. It is very personal and how I acted before was to bring that part of me upfront first and it would shape the relationship based on that. I have moved away from that. I'm taking a much slower and calmer approach to relationships. I want people to know me for the real and honest me, but know now not to force it in the forefront.
I've learned a lot from my past failed relationships. I look back on it with regret(but in a much less serious and burdensome way) and also have a touch of laughter. I realized why those relationships failed, and I am not consumed by looking back(something i have struggled with in the past). I look back and laugh a little on how i was a weird kid back then. I also have hope and drive for my identity in the future not only in not saying the things I said, but how I dont need to say them anymore and let go of that baggage. I look back and think what would life be like if this worked out? and i get a touch of sadness. But it also gives me hope for the future on how to make it work next time.
I think ever since I changed my major to advertizing with 2 minors things have fallen into place much easier. I am actually motivated in school, pulling good grades, and am happy now. I live comfortably, have a great support team, and have hobbies that I can do alone without feeling lonely. I am comfortable with myself and my life and have high hopes for the future.
Im finally able to start exercising again after being inactive since September. My gallbladder surgery is all healed up and I am meeting with a physical therapist on how to properly get back into cardio and lifting. Im really excited and happy for that. exercise has always been a huge part of my life and being able to start again keeps me in high spirits. I have to go slow and have never had the type of situation where i need to be careful about how hard i work out.
the voice acting is a giant mess. The whole crux of making a profile on their set has fallen apart and now I have to look around town to find the appropriate resources. I emailed the music department in hopes that they can help, my agent can help me too(i hope).
All in all things are a lot quieter and steady. No news is good news and I have less to talk about and discuss. I have always struggled in life with physical, mental, or emotional anguish and angst. Now that is not the case and things are really starting to take shape. I write these blogs mostly to reflect on myself but also to share with the people I consider family. So thank you all for reading my blogs and even giving me a purpose to write these for myself.
Take care SG!
~Panda