inara

So, am I the only person who thinks it's strange there's a Jam song in the new Cadillac commercial?

It's weird- having a blog again. It's been a long time since I've had a place to kind of just write down whatever I'm feeling or thinking. So here goes. Lately I've been thinking about stuff kind of in general. Nothing really specifically linked to anyone, but just stuff that we all deal with at some point in our lives. Like how much it hurts to believe so completely in someone or something and eventually have it all turn out broken, feel betrayed and stupid for believing in the first place when always in retrospect you know it was so completely against your better judgment. I've been thinking about how hard we force ourselves to make all the pegs fit when deep down we know good and well they won't. Like how it's just human nature to err and flounder until we're black and blue. The perfect example: I have a burn on my right hand. It's not super noticeable, but if you know what you're looking for, you can see it. It's the result of an incident when I was about 6 years old. My mom was cooking something and I saw the burner glowing red with heat. My mom had always told me not to touch the stove because it was hot, but still, I reached out for the burner because I wanted to find out for myself. Hence the burn. I look at it sometimes and I think about how much that burn represents so much of my life, and how I should have just learned my lesson when I was 6 and touched the stove. It could have saved a lot of embarrassment and heartache. Even though I have no regrets for the way my life has turned out, I still wonder about the "could've been" from time to time. I think that's also human nature.

Sometimes I think about the people I've hurt and who've hurt me, and I wonder if they have those moments too. I hope that the ones I've been awful to think of me and try to understand or forgive. There's been times I've tried to reach out to those people and apologize. Some of them have accepted and we've been able to build even stronger relationships with each other, but not all of them. It's been my experience, people can be measured many ways, but there is none more revealing of one's true nature than their ability to forgive. On the other hand, it makes me so sad to think about the times I've been hurt by someone I've loved or cared about and they just disappear out of my life never to be heard from again. Some people may think themselves better off being free of these people, but I don't entirely agree. While of course, a person is better off not having a horrible toxic relationship turning their lives upside down and making them miserable, it's still hard to move on from a broken relationship with someone you loved when there's nothing of them to take with you except a shitty ending. It makes me wonder if someday later on they'll think of things from my perspective and feel awful for the way things turned out. If they do, I'd hope they'd contact me so things could be made right again. Life is too short to go on hating people for fucking you over.

So that's what's been on my mind lately. I'm sure it doesn't matter too much around here, judging by how many comments I've received since I rejoined. I'm sure not too many people read my blog anyhow. I just hope the right people do. I really do just want to make friends again.

And on a much lighter note, here's the Bubs